Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I hosed the hose

I lose it fairly often with the kids, especially when N starts something with G but then wants to get all scaredy-cat-like when he decides to come at her with something an empty plastic bin.  She's all about whacking him with pillows until he brings out the big guns.

But then there are times when I lose it about household minutiae, and I am borderline Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

While the boys napped today, I emptied both the baby pools which have been sitting on our snowman crop circles in the backyard (from last year's pool setups) and end up pretty muddy once the kids start kicking around in the water.  I decided I was going to put black cloth liner over the circles and edge them with mulch, so they won't become quite as muddy.

After doing this and laying the extra mulch around the yard in the 90 degree heat, I went to fill the pools up with water.  I pulled the hose from the Hose King (looks something like this) a stand-alone contraption that holds the hose as well as takes up a tremendous amount of space in the garage during winter and falls over repeatedly whenever the wind blows hard or I try to pull the hose from the reel.  I began spraying water into the pool when the Hose King fell over and the water stopped spraying.

Awhile back the Hose King was blown off the patio during a storm, putting an odd crimp in the connector leading to the house, so I started fiddling with that, trying to get it detached.    Water started spraying at crazy angles which I assumed was due to another "injury" from falling over and making the crimp even worse.  I eventually got it detached but decided to take the hose off the Hose King so that this crimped part wouldn't screw up the water pressure.

Due to rust and general oldness, I had to get the screwdriver out to take the Hose King apart to get the hose off.  I twisted the hose onto the faucet and still no water spraying.

Commence fiddling with the sprayer, which I have not been able to get off the hose for years.

At this point I am tired and hot and not in the mood to deal with shit from the hose, Hose King or any other piece of outdoor equipment.

So I get a clamp and try twisting it off.  No dice.
I get a hammer and try breaking the stupid plastic sprayer off.  It's not budging.
I use the backside of the hammer to tear at the plastic.  Mother F*CK!!!!  It is not moving.

And then I lose my mind completely, grab a pair of scissors from the house and cut the effing hose so that I can fill the goddamn pools up with water.

Tomorrow I will be purchasing a new hose reel that looks like this, that I can set deep in the ground by the house and take the whole fucking hose off of it.

Why is it that things that are supposed to make one's life easy make it more complicated?

1 comment:

Keri said...

Thanks for allowing me to laugh at your expense. I loved the visuals I was getting as I read this...

I do feel your pain, though. Dealing with something like that in 90 degrees would have probably made me say things that I'd have to apologize for to the neighbors later.

I love the free standing hose holder, though. Might have to consider something like that...