Sunday, March 27, 2011

My notes to myself

I finally bought a small notepad to keep in the car so that I can write down all the junk that runs through my head as I'm driving or waiting at stoplights.  I have some of my best blog ideas while driving.  And things I need to do also tend to pop into my brain while I'm on the road.  Of course once I've got a couple of pages filled in my notepad, I tear them out and bring them into the house where they then linger on my desk.

So in bold are the words I jotted down in my notepad and everything else is what I wanted to say about them.

One day after picking N up from school I saw a bumper sticker that read, "You don't have to believe everything you think," which reminded me of how my brain operated during the worst of my nervous breakdown in 2004.  I go for many months most of the time without thinking about my anxiety, my OCD, my mood issues, my breakdown.  But then something will remind me.  My brain used to be far more critical of my mothering than it is now.  Perhaps I'm just too busy taking care of the kids that I don't have the time or energy to give it much notice.  I have learned that my brain sometimes thinks what it wants, but that doesn't mean it is right or true.  Or that I have to go along with it.

My brain was critical if I wasn't spending 99.9% of my time fawning over N.  Now with both the boys and trying to keep up with them and stay on top of the house and N's activities and school work, it is simply an impossible task to spend oodles of time directly in G and M's faces, or in N's on the weekends.  I have finally accepted that there are some things I kinda suck at and dislike about SAH mothering and some things I am really exceptionally good at.  I like to think my enthusiasm for learning, for reading, is something I transmit to the kids.  And that my desire to experience life, to get out and do and see, is something they will take with them.  It is a good thing to get excited by watching animals, squealing maybe a little bit when a bunny runs out from behind the bushes.  And I'm talking about reaction.

I have eaten a tremendous amount of crow since having my children.  All the things I used to see parents do and "poo poo" in my head are things I now do on a regular pick up a box of crackers, open it in the middle of the aisle, and stuff my kids with them, sometimes paying for an empty package by the time we reach checkout.  But I will not have tvs in bedrooms.  D and I don't have one in our bedroom (because, honestly, like I need something besides the 3-foot tall stack of books on my bedside table to distract me from having sex).  Our kids will not get tvs in their bedrooms.  I have told D that the kids will not have computers in their bedrooms. The chances of them getting cell phones is pretty slim.  I, of course, reserve the right to change my mind, but I just have serious qualms about kids having a vast array of technology at their fingertips to use in private.  Of course, I live in the stone age and have never texted before.  I have been accused of being a Luddite.

And yet, here I am blogging.

I heard a show on NPR and learned that I may or may not be a Gen Xer, as I always thought I was.  Apparently I need to read the book Boom, Bust and Echo.

G has been a good source of material in my notepad.  He about blew my mind when he asked, "Mommy, turn it on "Ih Ovatakes Me."  At first I had no clue what he was talking about, but then I realized he was requesting a Flaming Lips song.  Is my son totally AWESOME or what???

And then a couple days later, on 3-23, he said, "That cloud looks like a dolphin."  And it did.

Ok, I can now commence with throwing these small snippets of paper in the garbage.
My thoughts are saved for posterity.

1 comment:

Kelsey said...

The notebook is a great idea Carrie! I need a way to record my thoughts in the shower - which is where my best blogging ideas come to me. :-)

Matt and I do have a TV in our bedroom but I am 100% opposed to TVs in children's rooms. When I taught I was appalled at the number of FIRST GRADERS with TV in their rooms. No TV and no computer in the bedroom - not for my kids!