I feel like I have a harder time "raising" my boys than I do my daughter, and maybe a lot of moms feel this way since as women we don't have an intuitive sense or understanding of what our sons are all about. I don't "get" the taking apart of everything to see how it operates. I don't "get" the inherent need to push, shove, crush, or generally take down whatever is in the way. I don't "get" the inability to sit.still.for.even.30.seconds. It is all foreign to me.
And as much as the boys baffle me, their father baffles me even more. I don't "get" how he can remember all sorts of minutiae related to programming and work, but he forgets to buy his mother a gift card at the hair salon while he's there. I don't "get" the appeal of playing violent Xbox games for hours and hours on end (if left on his own, which he rarely is these days). And because he is a grown man, and I tend to have higher expectations of him than I do the boys (since they are young children), I become frustrated by these things that make him a "typical male."
And so I do what a lot of women do and think, "Men is dumb."
My friend REW shared this post on Facebook, and it really bothered me because I would be a big fat liar if I said I didn't think at least a couple of these things fairly often (specifically: "Men are scatter-brained," "Men don't help enough around the house," and "Men don't spend enough time with their children.")
And as a mother of sons, I feel like I need to be their champion. And I can't very well be this if I tend to think "men is dumb."
Maybe I'm stupid, but I feel like I don't know where to begin with this challenge. Read Raising Cain again? Is it enough to love them and guide them and simply accept that I'll never "get" them and I might often think what they do is actually dumb? Does that qualify me as a bad mom?
I'm still chewing on the answer to this one.
1 comment:
Wow, what a powerful article that is that you linked to! It almost made me cry, and I'm not being facetious.
I know that Dion and I have had talks about how he feels when I belittle him from time to time, so it's something I've tried to gradually get better at throughout our marriage. I have a long way to go, but I think being aware of it and desiring to change it has made a huge difference in how often I'm able to bite my tongue and force myself to change my thinking.
As for raising sons, I remember reading that a mom's most important job in raising sons is to teach them how to treat women, especially how to cherish and love a wife. (Likewise, a dad should teach his daughter about being a respectful and loving wife, since he comes from the perspective of knowing what he himself wants from his wife.)
Maybe this kind of thinking could shape the way you raise your sons - you know, not trying to change their inherent nature, but while they're young, doing things like helping them to "tone it down" around girls (the loudness, rowdiness, bodily functions, etc.) and at the same time, "raise it up a notch" in the areas in which they're not naturally strong (whatever you deem those areas to be as they relate to being a good husband one day).
No, I don't think you're a bad mom (but I think that question was rhetorical anyway, wasn' it?). I think it's great that you're thinking about this right now, while they're young and you still have time to figure this out as best you can before you screw them up for life. ;-)
Post a Comment