More of the same

It is dull to be me, especially when I keep treading over the same ground. If this post that I'm about to write sounds familiar, it is because you've already read it. See here. If you are glutton for punishment, feel free to continue.

Since Wednesday I have had a cold. Now one would think I've had pneumonia or a collapsed lung based on my inability to function, but it has just been a cold. But pregnancy makes everything, even a hangnail, worse than what it otherwise would be.

And since Wednesday my sleep has been sketchy at best. Every night I take half a Unisom to help me sleep; been doing it for years. But when I have a cold, it doesn't work as a sleep aid and only works as a drying up my sinuses agent. Plus, I think illness interferes with my antidepressant's ability to work properly. Or maybe I'm overloaded?

So after finishing my book and laying in bed trying to fall asleep and being unsuccessful, I went to the basement to have therapy hour with my dear hubby. On the one hand I feel like such a complete wuss for feeling overwhelmed, but then I think about everything I have hanging over my head:

1. pregnant

2. cold

3. my class

4. how the fuck am I gonna handle a 2-year-old and a new baby?

5. N starting kindergarten and all the changes that will bring for her schedule, my schedule, G's schedule, life in general.

6. having to see new psychiatrist in August because former one left practice without notifying me. See new shrink on 19th. Meds run out on 20th. Cutting it pretty fucking close for my taste.

Number 1, in and of itself, is stressful, so 2-6 is just gravy stress.

And when my sleep starts suffering, I think back to my nervous breakdown of 2004 when I went without sleep for weeks. I nearly went crazy, thinking I would never sleep again. It was horrible, and anyone who has suffered anxiety, depression or a combination of the two knows you have twinges where you think you're going right back to that bad place. And no matter how much I tell myself, "You slept fine before Wednesday when you started feeling sick. You will sleep better soon," my worry just mounts. What if my higher blood volume is interfering with my meds? What if all the stress is making my meds less effective? What if? What if? What if?

Fortunately, I had taken a Tylenol PM, and dear hubby rubbed my back and legs with a massage ball, relaxing me enough to get me into a deep sleep that lasted most of the night. Plus, N stayed the night with Mamaw, so we weren't awoken with comments like, "I'm bored," at 4 a.m.

I am feeling more human today. Not any less stressed but more human. And so hopefully my Unisom will begin working better. And soon enough those things hanging over my head won't be. They will pass, and there will be new things.

But if I can get a couple more nights of pretty ok sleep, I think I can trudge along.