For some reason, I have been thinking about how I will one day handle "sex" issues with my kids. Maybe it is because I see N growing up so quickly, starting kindergarten in the fall. Hopefully she is many, many years away from sexual activity, but I figure I need to kinda have some idea how I might present the whole sex topic to her and G and this other one.
I sorta have some issues with sex, stemming from a few childhood experiences. One is being brought up Catholic, whereby the whole sex before marriage is frowned upon. Secondly is being brought up by my mother, who allegedly was a virgin when she married (at age 33) and was terrified of me becoming pregnant prior to marriage after seeing numerous nieces get into "trouble." Thirdly was being the daughter of a very good man who despite many wonderful qualities wasn't terribly affectionate (verbally or physically).
So where did this leave me?
At around age 8 or 9 I started a lifelong habit of journaling. When I look back at these childhood journals, virtually everyone said something like, "Please God, let me start my period" or "Please God, let me develop breasts." And so God answered my prayers: I started menstruating at age 10. And it was also around that time that I became what is known in impolite company as a horndog. Totally boy-crazy. Totally.
My own take on this boy-craziness and later dating relationships is that I was looking for affection that I wanted from my dad but didn't get. It took me until I was in my early 30s to understand that my dad really does love me but just isn't good at showing it. So I think I spent a long time yearning for male love....in whatever form that took. And with most boys, that means physical stuff.
As I've mentioned on this blog, I've also got a proclivity for subversion. Therefore if the Catholic Church and my mother said things on the order of "Sex is dangerous. Don't have sex before marriage. Having sex is bad," well then, mother-fuck, I was all about exploring sex and sexuality.
Unfortunately, this also meant that once sex was "sanctioned" as being ok, that is married sex, I kinda didn't give a hoot. I've clearly moved beyond this a bit, since I've had enough sex to get knocked up three times, but I experienced a whole world of thrills doing things considered "illicit" by the Pope and my momma. Since Catholics are all about boozing and gambling, these didn't have much appeal to me.
Of course, this doesn't mean I was loosey-goosey. My Catholic upbringing also instilled in me a tremendous amount of guilt so my sexual experiences are paltry compared to a lot of people, I'm sure.
So where am I now as a parent?
I think sex is natural, normal and can be a hell of a lot of fun. I want my kids to be safe, above all else. Pregnancy is the least of my worries, compared to HIV and other STDs. I want my children to do what feels right for them, to know themselves well enough to make smart decisions. But I don't want them to feel ashamed of sex or ashamed of their desires. I don't want them fucking anything that moves, of course, but I think there is a happy medium.
When I was a teen, the idea of talking to my mother about sex was tantamount to having my fingernails ripped out by rabid Gila monsters. It was a lecture that would last foreva. Hell, part of the reason I wasn't game to have children for the first 6 years of my marriage is because I'd have obvious evidence that I had had sex. Whenever I would say this people would laugh, "Of course your parents know you have sex." I would counter that my parents didn't have proof, and a burgeoning belly was proof of intercourse. I mean, come on, how much more sexually fucked up can a grown person be? (Probably a lot more, but still....that is a pretty stupid line of thought.)
So I am determined to not be shrill, to not make sexuality out to be scary or undesirable. Partly because I don't want to terrify my kids and partly because, if they are anything like me, acting like I don't want them doing it will only make them want to do it more.
My hope is that in the next 5+ years, I will continue to formulate a "sexuality strategy" so that I am ready when issues starts to pop up. It will be so easy if the kids are like their daddy---totally antisocial until their 20s. God help me if they turn out like their momma.
4 comments:
Ah...the sex talk. I've already had a drug talk, a smoking talk, and a tattoo talk with Andrew. So I guess I should be getting ready for the sex talk soon. ;) I'm not sure where I'll stand on it. I don't think waiting until marriage is realistic or even necessary...but I do think I'll instill that waiting for someone who you love...really love...is the best thing. No regrets, and all that. And definitely not to use it as a way to get someone to fall in love with you. That's just desperate and pathetic. But I'm not so worried about my kids...if you look at pictures of Jeff and I in junior high and high school...there's no way anyone would have had sex with us. And my kids are getting a double dose of those awkward, nerdy genes.
Funny...I had this same conversation 2 weeks ago with a friend. I'm screwed with all talks (sex, drugs, tattoos) on multiple levels. Sex? Well, Melissa's already figured out that Mommy and Daddy were married AFTER she was born. And, I don't have good examples from my upbringing to use...my mom gave me the descriptive, no-holds-bard talk when I was 7 (out of fear of my learning it from a friend who learned it from his older cousin). After that talk, she never mentioned anything sexual until my mid-20s. And, my dad's advice when he found out I was having sex my senior year of h.s..."Asking you not to have sex is like asking you not to breathe." Thanks, Dad. Drugs? Well, Jeff has experimented with every drug under the sun. And, with me, if marijuana were legalized, I would replace my nightly wine cooler with a nightly joint. And tattoos? The girls play with mine every time we take a shower together, and would take a temporary tat over a sticker any day of the week. *sigh* I just pray that with whatever talks I give and whatever experiences they have, my girls will be able to approach each of these issues with common sense.
I just went through all of this with A.C. I struggled with what and how to tell her. I didn't want to overwhelm her, but wanted to give her good information. I researched many, many books and talked to many, many moms. In the end, the conversation has begun, and will continue. I was amazed by her maturity and the questions she asked. At this point, she is so comfortable talking to me about anything. I hope this continues.
I like the idea of developing a strategy - I think there are lots of people out there who think they just need to have the one talk, literally.
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