March madness

No, this post is not about basketball.
This post is a self-pitying whine, so stop here if you don't feel like wallowing with me.

March has been a month of madness for me in 2 respects: I've been mad as in angry, and I may well go officially mad as in crazy if things don't shape up soon.

I've lost track of how many weeks I have had all day pregnancy sickness; it's just as well as I'm now certain it will last the entire gestational duration. But then on March 6th, I came down with some nasty stomach bug which involved losing fluid from virtually every orifice. I was in bed for 2 days and was prescribed an anti-nausea med given to chemo patients. That was my fun the first full week of March.

The second full week of March, last week, on Thursday night, I came down with what has been a 6 day (and counting) viral thing. It is getting better as evidenced by the fact that I am typing this, but now N has it. We have all been on the pullout sofa in the living room since Friday. Today she and I fell asleep watching Muppet Theater, and I didn't rouse until the phone rang at 6:30 p.m.

Right now I am unsure if my tiredness is pregnancy-related or residual viral sickness-related. My nausea is back, and now I seem to be on a carb kick. I had been only able to eat protein...lots of burgers and Arby's beef & cheddars. Now the idea of protein makes my stomach curl. I want Raisin Bran cereal (my supper this evening) and Eggo whole grain waffles. The only beverage that tastes decent is orange juice. I have run my course with lemon-lime Gatorade.

So back to the madness. When I've had 2 ounces of extra energy, I've felt pissed because I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF FEELING SICK!!!! I just want to feel good....hell, I'd be thrilled to feel mediocre for a couple days in a row. It simply has started to wear me down. The pregnancy sick is bad enough but throw in 2 consecutive weeks of 2 different and equally aggravating bugs on top of it and you've got an unhappy camper.

Which brings me to the crazy mad part. Despite my meds and all I've learned in therapy, it takes a considerable amount of psychological energy to fight my anxiety demons at times, and at no time are they as strong as when I'm faced with the unknowns of pregnancy and sickness. When I am hormonally sick, and then virally sick on top of that, I don't have the reserves to fight the little monsters so my worries tend to build.

I go to the doctor in a week to hear the heartbeat, a visit which causes me considerable stress. It did when I was pregnant with N. Once I get through that visit, the others don't bother me, but it's that finding the heartbeat, that doppler running over my belly as the doctor hunts for the sound, that makes my breathing shallow. When I am feeling semi-ok, like right this second, I think it will be fine, but when I am feeling poorly, I fear the worst and I don't have the energy to keep myself from catastrophizing.

And I have been feeling out of sorts, out of touch....downright lonely.

I had been hopeful that before too long I would see my mom friends, but now I am not so sure. I am keeping my calendar totally open and unplanned and maybe, just maybe, I might be surprised to find myself feeling good before too long. Or not. March madness may last forever. There is still a sliver of hope, but resignation is growing stronger every day.