Sigh.
The highs and the lows. I sometimes (thankfully) forget just how subject to them I am.
Wednesday of last week was high. I spoke to two composition classes at my college alma mater about my experience as a blogger and how it has impacted my professional life freelancing. In addition to seeing and helping out one of my friends from undergrad (who is now the professor of these classes), one student came up to me after my presentation and told me how much better my talk made her feel about her own generalized anxiety disorder and being on medication.
Yippee!
Huzzah!
Woohoo!
As the tide rolls in.....so it rolls out.
Thursday was horrible.
I should have felt high, especially since a sweet friend texted me her son's poem about my class at the cottage school, which was delightful.
But on Thursday I felt completely ill-equipped as a professional.
I felt like I don't know what I'm doing.
I felt plagued by doubt as to whether I'm an effective teacher according to the people in the "know."
Taking this graduate class, even though I was told on Wednesday that I've actually "technically" taken this class before but need to do it again since the first go-round was like 20 years ago, is bringing forth all sorts of doubt in me. Even though my directors at the cottage school are thrilled with what I bring and how I teach. Even though my students actively and vocally enjoy my class and feel they are rigorously learning.
Graduate classes set the bar super high, and I understand why. Who doesn't want only the best, most organized, most committed people in classrooms? I'm a person who is highly susceptible to trying to meet unattainable and unsustainable goals, even if it makes me half crazy to try to do it.
Added to this was my experience subbing at a middle school on Tuesday and feeling like a failure since I called the student response team twice (which I strive to never have to do, even though this may be a completely stupid and unreasonable goal I set for myself). The kids were on like day 3 or 4 of nonconsecutive subs doing busy work, and that is a shit situation for a sub to have to attempt to mop up. Three or four days of busy work for a middle schooler might as well be a freaking lifetime.
By last night I was feeling better. It helped when I got a text from the mom of two girls I taught at the cottage school. I taught the younger daughter English all four years of high school; she is now at the local university. The text said:
Today, I have completed my grad class homework and had a first day back at the cottage school, and I feel like I don't suck. For today, I don't suck. Tomorrow I might feel differently.....
The highs and the lows. I sometimes (thankfully) forget just how subject to them I am.
Wednesday of last week was high. I spoke to two composition classes at my college alma mater about my experience as a blogger and how it has impacted my professional life freelancing. In addition to seeing and helping out one of my friends from undergrad (who is now the professor of these classes), one student came up to me after my presentation and told me how much better my talk made her feel about her own generalized anxiety disorder and being on medication.
Yippee!
Huzzah!
Woohoo!
As the tide rolls in.....so it rolls out.
Thursday was horrible.
I should have felt high, especially since a sweet friend texted me her son's poem about my class at the cottage school, which was delightful.
But on Thursday I felt completely ill-equipped as a professional.
I felt like I don't know what I'm doing.
I felt plagued by doubt as to whether I'm an effective teacher according to the people in the "know."
Taking this graduate class, even though I was told on Wednesday that I've actually "technically" taken this class before but need to do it again since the first go-round was like 20 years ago, is bringing forth all sorts of doubt in me. Even though my directors at the cottage school are thrilled with what I bring and how I teach. Even though my students actively and vocally enjoy my class and feel they are rigorously learning.
Graduate classes set the bar super high, and I understand why. Who doesn't want only the best, most organized, most committed people in classrooms? I'm a person who is highly susceptible to trying to meet unattainable and unsustainable goals, even if it makes me half crazy to try to do it.
Added to this was my experience subbing at a middle school on Tuesday and feeling like a failure since I called the student response team twice (which I strive to never have to do, even though this may be a completely stupid and unreasonable goal I set for myself). The kids were on like day 3 or 4 of nonconsecutive subs doing busy work, and that is a shit situation for a sub to have to attempt to mop up. Three or four days of busy work for a middle schooler might as well be a freaking lifetime.
By last night I was feeling better. It helped when I got a text from the mom of two girls I taught at the cottage school. I taught the younger daughter English all four years of high school; she is now at the local university. The text said:
We are discussing college English class.
Ms. V's class is more challenging!
We love you! Thank you!
Today, I have completed my grad class homework and had a first day back at the cottage school, and I feel like I don't suck. For today, I don't suck. Tomorrow I might feel differently.....
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