How the pandemic has changed me

Prior to September 11, 2001, D and I didn't want children. 

We had said when we married that we wouldn't even think about kids until we'd been married five years. When September 11 happened we'd been married almost four. 

The events of that day made us reconsider a lot of things, including what we hadn't done and what we wanted to have done prior to dying (if we had a choice). And we decided that maybe having a child was something we wanted. 

A big historic event that didn't directly impact me in any way changed the course of my life in a big way. 

The COVID-19 pandemic appears in some ways to have changed things for me as well. 

I think most of this is internal. My mindset has changed.

Some things were already changing. The brainwashing of people I know as a result of the presidency of Donald Trump had opened my eyes to the ways in which others aren't really what I thought they were. Or maybe they were always really what I thought they were but I just couldn't tolerate their behavior anymore. 

I am not a worshipper. My motto is that everyone, and I mean everyone, has had poop stains in their underpants. This is the great equalizer and the reason I don't get intimidated or overwhelmed by people who have money or fame or great talent. Even Jeff Bezos has had poop stains in his underwear, and some of those might have been added this week when his penis rocket went sky-high.

For a long time, I have not been a people-y person, but the pandemic made me really reflect on my view of friendship and acquaintances and who I want and need in my life. 

There was a contraction, and there continues to be a contraction. 

I have even reconsidered who I need to speak to.

Of course, I have no desire to be uncivil, but I don't need to pretend to like or care about fitting in. I don't need to be social media connected to everyone I've ever known. My unfriend game on the social media tabs continues. And this doesn't mean I hate people nor does it mean I wish them ill; I just don't care. I don't need their view or opinion or anything from them. 

I doubt they even like me. Perhaps by unfriending them I will remove me as an annoyance for them (and they were too kind or lazy to do it)?

A couple days ago I finished a book called Subtract by Leidy Klotz, and it was about how we don't often see the benefit of subtracting things from our lives. We seem to have an evolutionary need to add and build, but subtracting can be just as if not more beneficial. 

The pandemic has really made me think even more about subtracting from my life, distilling its essence down to what is essential and really meaningful for me. To borrow a phrase from Marie Kondo: "What does spark joy?" 

And right now, haphazard, random, not based in anything meaningful connections does not spark joy.