Iterations of angry (and seriously, WWJD?)

I am beyond angry at this point in the pandemic, especially as I see the rates of hospitalizations climb with Delta.

I know people who refuse the medical science of COVID vaccines but willingly take the medical science of cancer treatments. They refuse to put a vaccine in their bodies but will put chemo in their bodies. 

I know people who lack all empathy and imagination to put themselves in the shoes of other people until something directly impacts them and then suddenly, they experience a change of heart and "get it." 

While I don't call myself a Christian (because people who blast their Christianity all over the place have been, in my experience, sort of assholes; the bad apples have more than spoiled the bunch, I'm afraid), I want to live by the Golden Rule. 

I have tried to be sympathetic to people who are scared of the vaccine. I have tried to understand where people are coming from who think it is a ploy or a government scare tactic. 

But there are so many who spout off about Jesus all day long and yet will not in any way live by the Golden Rule to do unto others as they would want others to do unto them. They march themselves to church every Sunday but will do little to care for the least of these. 

And Lord knows, I do a shitty job of caring for the least of these, but I don't blather Jesus and Christianity all over people and then still do a shitty job of caring for the least of these. 

Irony is the opposite of what you expect, and I would expect people who claim to live under one master (Jesus) who made the ultimate sacrifice for them to be willing to sacrifice for others in some capacity. 

I have been spending a lot of time asking myself "What would Jesus think of all this?" 

Would Jesus feel proud of his Christians who reject a vaccine made with the intention of saving the lives of the sick and the poor and the chronically ill? Or even the young and healthy? Wouldn't Jesus want us to help our brothers? 

Would Jesus be proud of people who shout and yell about wearing masks if it means it keeps others from suffering? 

I am done hoping and wishing and praying for these people to act in a Christian way; I'm now praying for myself to work through this deep anger I feel for humankind. 

This is why you're crazy

They said COVID is a hoax. 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections. 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long).

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work.

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?).

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax. 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us. 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us and the vaccine wouldn't work. 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us and the vaccine wouldn't work and the vaccine would make people sterile. 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us and the vaccine wouldn't work and the vaccine would make people sterile and the vaccine makes people magnetic.

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us and the vaccine wouldn't work and the vaccine would make people sterile and the vaccine makes people magnetic and the vaccines cause autism (still wrong). 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us and the vaccine wouldn't work and the vaccine would make people sterile and the vaccine makes people magnetic and the vaccines cause autism (still wrong) and vaccinated people shed virus or vaccine (which one?). 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us and the vaccine wouldn't work and the vaccine would make people sterile and the vaccine makes people magnetic and the vaccines cause autism (still wrong) and vaccinated people shed virus or vaccine (which one?) and the vaccine alters DNA. 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us and the vaccine wouldn't work and the vaccine would make people sterile and the vaccine makes people magnetic and the vaccines cause autism (still wrong) and vaccinated people shed virus or vaccine (which one?) and the vaccine alters DNA and the vaccine would implant computer chips in us. 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us and the vaccine wouldn't work and the vaccine would make people sterile and the vaccine makes people magnetic and the vaccines cause autism (still wrong) and vaccinated people shed virus or vaccine (which one?) and the vaccine alters DNA and the vaccine would implant computer chips in us and the vaccine didn't keep people from getting sick when Delta came along. 

They said COVID is a hoax and it would go away after the 2020 elections and it is just like the flu (but the flu doesn't sicken people all year long) and masks don't work and masks violate our God-given rights (to our faces?) and they were making a vaccine for a disease that they also said is a hoax and the vaccine was a guise for the government to control us and the vaccine wouldn't work and the vaccine would make people sterile and the vaccine makes people magnetic and the vaccines cause autism (still wrong) and vaccinated people shed virus or vaccine (which one?) and the vaccine alters DNA and the vaccine would implant computer chips in us and the vaccine didn't keep people from getting sick when Delta came along and the vaccine was really a placebo. 

They said all this stuff, adding more weirdness and implausibility. 

Layering strange upon nonsensical until I had to ask "Are they crazy?

And then I said "This is why you're crazy."

I said it to them, and I said it to myself when I thought about them.

How the pandemic has changed me

Prior to September 11, 2001, D and I didn't want children. 

We had said when we married that we wouldn't even think about kids until we'd been married five years. When September 11 happened we'd been married almost four. 

The events of that day made us reconsider a lot of things, including what we hadn't done and what we wanted to have done prior to dying (if we had a choice). And we decided that maybe having a child was something we wanted. 

A big historic event that didn't directly impact me in any way changed the course of my life in a big way. 

The COVID-19 pandemic appears in some ways to have changed things for me as well. 

I think most of this is internal. My mindset has changed.

Some things were already changing. The brainwashing of people I know as a result of the presidency of Donald Trump had opened my eyes to the ways in which others aren't really what I thought they were. Or maybe they were always really what I thought they were but I just couldn't tolerate their behavior anymore. 

I am not a worshipper. My motto is that everyone, and I mean everyone, has had poop stains in their underpants. This is the great equalizer and the reason I don't get intimidated or overwhelmed by people who have money or fame or great talent. Even Jeff Bezos has had poop stains in his underwear, and some of those might have been added this week when his penis rocket went sky-high.

For a long time, I have not been a people-y person, but the pandemic made me really reflect on my view of friendship and acquaintances and who I want and need in my life. 

There was a contraction, and there continues to be a contraction. 

I have even reconsidered who I need to speak to.

Of course, I have no desire to be uncivil, but I don't need to pretend to like or care about fitting in. I don't need to be social media connected to everyone I've ever known. My unfriend game on the social media tabs continues. And this doesn't mean I hate people nor does it mean I wish them ill; I just don't care. I don't need their view or opinion or anything from them. 

I doubt they even like me. Perhaps by unfriending them I will remove me as an annoyance for them (and they were too kind or lazy to do it)?

A couple days ago I finished a book called Subtract by Leidy Klotz, and it was about how we don't often see the benefit of subtracting things from our lives. We seem to have an evolutionary need to add and build, but subtracting can be just as if not more beneficial. 

The pandemic has really made me think even more about subtracting from my life, distilling its essence down to what is essential and really meaningful for me. To borrow a phrase from Marie Kondo: "What does spark joy?" 

And right now, haphazard, random, not based in anything meaningful connections does not spark joy. 

My thoughts on donuts (so much extra)

I am a minimalist at heart and could become fairly ascetic if my family would allow it. (They like stuff more than I do and have a harder time getting rid of stuff than I do; just ask D about his CD collection in the basement closet.) I just don't require a whole lot of stuff nor do I like a whole lot of stuff. Rather than bringing me joy (however temporary), it brings me discomfort and this has intensified the older I've gotten.

I owned a Fitbit for a short time (bought secondhand) and decided I hated it. 

I have never owned an Apple watch nor will I ever. 

We don't have an Alexa nor will we ever.

We don't have a Ring doorbell.

I wouldn't replace the outside lights to get automatic sensor ones so D managed to find a switch that will make the lights come on at dusk and go off at dawn (and not as wasteful as replacing lights that are old but still totally working). 

I have and still wear a pair of sandals that I bought right before we went to Disney....in 2011. I own and wear one pair of tennis shoes, 2 pair of sandals, and one pair of flip flops. My winter boots are the same winter boots I have worn since before D and I married.

I am not in any way an "extra" person, but it hit home recently when I realized that I DESPISE what has happened to donuts which makes me sound like a very grumpy old person but I do not care.

Donuts are so freaking MUCH anymore. I can't even tolerate to take a bite because there is so much frou-frou now. Candy and cookies and doodads sprinkled on top to kingdom come.

Photo by Kobby Mendez on Unsplash

Of course, this is in no way surprising. I realized during the cupcake explosion of several years back that even though 7 inches of icing and whatnots on top of a cupcake look amazing, they taste like an overwhelming blob of diabetic coma. 

The same thing has happened to cookies, too.

And cars.

When we bought our new-to-us minivan almost two years ago, I was like...

I don't want leather seats. 

I don't need the trunk door to lift automatically.

I don't need to be able to start the car remotely. 

I don't need GPS.

I don't need heated seats (which always make me feel like I've peed myself whenever they come on without me knowing it when I'm in someone else's car). 

I don't need/want a sunroof/moonroof.

I don't need a television in the car for people to watch. 

I don't need all the buttons and widgets that I might also find on the freaking Space Station. 

I'm not saying that all this stuff isn't cool. Sometimes I find it very cool. It is all definitely visually stunning, as are the donuts with all the shit on top of them. 

But the substance is remarkably cloying. 

My reality is not THE reality

Since my OCD diagnosis some 15 years ago, I have spent a lot of time trying to clean up the mess of my mind, trying to determine what is real and true, like some kind of objective reality, and what is my brain's perception of what is real and true.

I spent the better part of 30 years thinking that catastrophizing was normal and logical and made perfect sense. If someone didn't answer the phone and my brain told me they had DIED or were in the process of dying, I accepted this without question. If I thought it, it had to be right. 

It is a hard pill to swallow when you realize you've never actually been the captain of your ship but only played one on tv. 

The more I think, the more I come to the conclusion that there is no definitive real and true. I am limited by my brain and my sensory perceptions. I'm listening to an audiobook now that talks in part about how our memories can't even be trusted. What we remember may only be a tiny sliver of what actually happened. 

Somewhere along the line, my brain told me that adults knew what they were doing, and I accepted this belief as reality. 

Pretty soon after becoming a mom, I think I realized that adults are winging it. We don't know what we're doing but we're just better at pretending or not caring or simply being used to the status quo than teens or young adults. 

Because I'm diligent about replying to emails and getting things submitted on time or not showing up late for work, I have assumed that the reality is that other people do this. As time marches on, it is evident that I have been wrong. 

When people have lauded me with praise about things, I don't know if what I did was actually good work or if it is because I show up and have a pulse (which is beyond the scope of some others). 

Sure, there are some folks who have this same "be dependable, follow-up with people" approach as me, but the world is big...bigger than I can usually wrap my head around most days. 

It is a borderline miracle that any business or organization functions with anything resembling efficiency at all, ever. That anything gets accomplished is a win. 

Over the years, I've definitely chilled out and not expected as much from myself or others. Recognizing that my reality isn't everyone's is both disorienting and freeing. The longer I live and the more I think (which is a lot since we're still lying low due to M's lack of a vaccine), the more I recognize that I will continue to go through these periods where I reconsider things that my brain told me, things that I believed for a long time.