Whether my children are alright or massive f**k-ups really just depends on the day of the week.
There has been a slow-build to a situation involving G that came to a head yesterday morning. Technically, it came to a head on Friday afternoon when I was conveniently at the grocery store, so I wasn't aware of it until yesterday morning.
It doesn't take much for G to become confused in relationships with others. In his mind, he thinks if you like someone, you like them forever with the same amount of enthusiasm and gusto.
(This kid is not meant to have a long-term marriage, I think).
In third grade, he had a falling-out with a boy with whom he had been friends since kindergarten. The friend stopped talking to him and didn't explain what was going on. He felt uncomfortable with G's hugging but wouldn't ever tell him, and G just didn't get it. He wrote the friend a note and said, "Why didn't you just tell me?"
Now, I know that there have been many, many times when I have told G something, and he just doesn't listen. It's not what he wants to hear so he doesn't hear it. However he thinks something should be is the way it should be, regardless of reality. So it is entirely possible that his friend DID tell him.
Whenever I worry that I am siding too much with my own child, I usually respond to myself with, "Bitch, PUHLEASE. You know your kids and every downfall they have."
A similar situation has occurred again with a different child.
Last week, he wrote a sweet note and gave the child a flower. I read that note, and it said something like, "I want to be friends. Why did you say I was rude and mean?"
(My response to his was, "Because you are rude and mean.")
Helpful, I know.
This time, G drew a picture of the child stabbing him in the heart and calling him a loser. He then wrote something on the order of, "This is me in the future. I thought you would like it because you f**king hate me."
The person he wrote it to is a 6-year-old girl.
G has been playing with her older brother. It bothers G that she avoids him now, so he questions the brother who gives his spin on the situation.
Sigh.
My feelings are all over the map on this one.
On the one hand, I'm glad G is drawing/writing his feelings, but I feel angry at him for writing it and leaving it for the girl to read.
(And when I say leaving it, I mean taping it to her front door. Way to be a stalker, son.)
On the one hand, I feel sympathetic to G because it is maddening to have someone like you and then decide they don't like you without explanation.
(Hello, my dating life from ages 13-22.)
And he internalizes it. He is a loser rather than the other person just doesn't realize how good of a friend he can be. (It takes a whole lot of time and wisdom to get to a point where you realize that if someone doesn't like you, it is their problem. Not yours.)
On the one hand, I feel Mama Bear because my kid has been hurt and is confused, but I feel like murdering my own kid because YOU DON'T WRITE SHIT LIKE THIS AND GIVE IT TO PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE 6.
So, we had a talk in which I told him it is a good idea to draw and express his feelings, but when he does it he needs to share it with me or D so we can help him. Giving it to the person who upset you does not help the relationship.
And we talked about how you should be friendly to everyone, but that doesn't mean you are friends with everyone.
And we talked about how even if one person doesn't like him, think about all the people he knows who DO like him and think he is special.
And I saved the drawing/note, and we'll be discussing it with his psychiatrist and possibly increasing his medication dose if his obsessing continues.
I saw a college friend yesterday who commended me on "living out loud," which I took to mean sharing my life....good and especially bad....in this blog and on Facebook. Sharing my mental health demons, and now my son's mental health demons.
Sometimes I am really proud of this because I do think it helps people, and I know talking about it helps me.
But sometimes, especially for G, I worry that he gets labeled as "troubled" because of his medication and OCD.
All kids, in their own ways, are troubled.
I have tried to deal with G's issues head-on and proactively, just as I do my own issues because time often doesn't make them less problematic. You try to cope as best you can and sometimes develop some rather unhealthy coping mechanisms because you don't know what the f*ck you're doing.
G's issues are made public by me, but I know that the other kids whom he has had relationship problems with have their own issues. Divorced parents, living in grandparents' basements for a time due to financial issues, new siblings, deaths of grandparents.....
G is not the only kid who is struggling with growing up, and I try to remember that.
Unfortunately, as a parent, you not only get through your own childhood crap but then you have to wade through the muck and stink of your children's childhood crap.
There has been a slow-build to a situation involving G that came to a head yesterday morning. Technically, it came to a head on Friday afternoon when I was conveniently at the grocery store, so I wasn't aware of it until yesterday morning.
It doesn't take much for G to become confused in relationships with others. In his mind, he thinks if you like someone, you like them forever with the same amount of enthusiasm and gusto.
(This kid is not meant to have a long-term marriage, I think).
In third grade, he had a falling-out with a boy with whom he had been friends since kindergarten. The friend stopped talking to him and didn't explain what was going on. He felt uncomfortable with G's hugging but wouldn't ever tell him, and G just didn't get it. He wrote the friend a note and said, "Why didn't you just tell me?"
Now, I know that there have been many, many times when I have told G something, and he just doesn't listen. It's not what he wants to hear so he doesn't hear it. However he thinks something should be is the way it should be, regardless of reality. So it is entirely possible that his friend DID tell him.
Whenever I worry that I am siding too much with my own child, I usually respond to myself with, "Bitch, PUHLEASE. You know your kids and every downfall they have."
A similar situation has occurred again with a different child.
Last week, he wrote a sweet note and gave the child a flower. I read that note, and it said something like, "I want to be friends. Why did you say I was rude and mean?"
(My response to his was, "Because you are rude and mean.")
Helpful, I know.
This time, G drew a picture of the child stabbing him in the heart and calling him a loser. He then wrote something on the order of, "This is me in the future. I thought you would like it because you f**king hate me."
The person he wrote it to is a 6-year-old girl.
G has been playing with her older brother. It bothers G that she avoids him now, so he questions the brother who gives his spin on the situation.
Sigh.
My feelings are all over the map on this one.
On the one hand, I'm glad G is drawing/writing his feelings, but I feel angry at him for writing it and leaving it for the girl to read.
(And when I say leaving it, I mean taping it to her front door. Way to be a stalker, son.)
On the one hand, I feel sympathetic to G because it is maddening to have someone like you and then decide they don't like you without explanation.
(Hello, my dating life from ages 13-22.)
And he internalizes it. He is a loser rather than the other person just doesn't realize how good of a friend he can be. (It takes a whole lot of time and wisdom to get to a point where you realize that if someone doesn't like you, it is their problem. Not yours.)
On the one hand, I feel Mama Bear because my kid has been hurt and is confused, but I feel like murdering my own kid because YOU DON'T WRITE SHIT LIKE THIS AND GIVE IT TO PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE 6.
So, we had a talk in which I told him it is a good idea to draw and express his feelings, but when he does it he needs to share it with me or D so we can help him. Giving it to the person who upset you does not help the relationship.
And we talked about how you should be friendly to everyone, but that doesn't mean you are friends with everyone.
And we talked about how even if one person doesn't like him, think about all the people he knows who DO like him and think he is special.
And I saved the drawing/note, and we'll be discussing it with his psychiatrist and possibly increasing his medication dose if his obsessing continues.
I saw a college friend yesterday who commended me on "living out loud," which I took to mean sharing my life....good and especially bad....in this blog and on Facebook. Sharing my mental health demons, and now my son's mental health demons.
Sometimes I am really proud of this because I do think it helps people, and I know talking about it helps me.
But sometimes, especially for G, I worry that he gets labeled as "troubled" because of his medication and OCD.
All kids, in their own ways, are troubled.
I have tried to deal with G's issues head-on and proactively, just as I do my own issues because time often doesn't make them less problematic. You try to cope as best you can and sometimes develop some rather unhealthy coping mechanisms because you don't know what the f*ck you're doing.
G's issues are made public by me, but I know that the other kids whom he has had relationship problems with have their own issues. Divorced parents, living in grandparents' basements for a time due to financial issues, new siblings, deaths of grandparents.....
G is not the only kid who is struggling with growing up, and I try to remember that.
Unfortunately, as a parent, you not only get through your own childhood crap but then you have to wade through the muck and stink of your children's childhood crap.
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