Pat on the Back

The other day I received a letter in the mail from the school at which I worked. On the return address label it said something like, "A celebration of service." I wondered if this was some event to honor those who had taught at the school....like me, perhaps. The prospect got me a little excited, which freaked me out a bit.

I had just been talking to a friend about how I have never once, in 4 years time, had the thought that I want to go back to teaching. I have had the thought, "I wish N wasn't in such a foul mood today," and "I wish we weren't staying in the house today," and "I wish I could go shopping by myself today," but never have I had the urge to be back in the classroom with 30 middle schoolers.

When I think about working full-time, I think about the hassles: being to school by 7:00 a.m., staying after school for faculty meetings, feeling pressure to coach Quick Recall or moderate a club of some kind; having to stand for a hour in the copy room to make a bazillion copies and plan lessons; all of this and then STILL having to come home and do what I do everyday now---clean, cook and take care of the kids---and then grade Language Arts papers until the wee hours. Uh, no thanks.

But when I got this letter and felt a little surge of excitement, it made me doubt myself. Do I really want to teach and I'm just feeding myself a bunch of bullcrap about liking being a SAHM? Oh, god, what if I've been in denial for 4 years!!!!

And then I got a grip and realized that I don't want to go back to teaching or work anywhere outside the home---I merely want former colleagues to tell me what a great teacher I was and that they wish I would come back. My ego appears to need a little stroking.

Cause being a SAHM, while the most important job in the world (says me), does not come with the benefit of getting one's props as often as one would like. Being a SAHM is mostly about serving others---being sucked on by my littlest one, retrieving food and dressing Barbies and getting attitude from my older one, and listening to the one to whom I am married complain about what I fix for dinner. (The other night I fixed round steak for supper, and it was a little tough, which is just the way the meat is, but D asked, "So who's shoe is this...mine or yours?") So I need a little ego-strokin'.

Yeah, N does tell me sometimes that I am the best mommy in the world but I hear than much, much less often than I hear, "I want whatever RIGHT NOW!" D usually tells me things like, "I'm kinda over hominy" or "I'm a little tired of that tortellini casserole." (I think we are both in a food rut right now).

True, I don't thank him for going to work everyday, but he gets his bonuses and pay raises and evaluations and thank yous from his co-workers. (I do listen when he's having a problem and encourage him). And I guess I don't say things like "You've got the biggest penis in the world" or whatever it is guys would like their women to say to make them feel masculine and sexy. I guess I can't expect much when I don't give much out in the way of kudos.

Ah well, I'll get over it.

As it turned out, the school is honoring some people who have worked there for like 20 years straight, not people like me who barely got in 4 years before sauntering off into the idyllic life of motherhood.