Preschooler for Sale

I love my daughter so much it hurts, especially now that G has arrived and I see her trying to cope with not being the center of our family. She has been sassy as all get out with me, pushing the limits of what she knows is acceptable behavior.

Today she had a playdate at a neighborhood friends. When I came to pick her up, she refused to leave and ran away from me through my neighbor's house when I tried to get at her. When I finally did manage to catch her, she fought me on putting on her shoes, so I grabbed her, her shoes, jacket and doll and stuck all of them on my neighbor's front porch and shut the door. I grabbed G off my neighbor's couch and left.

N was sitting on the front porch, sans shoes and jacket, crying. She wouldn't put on her shoes, so I grabbed her arm and started walking her home through the cold grass and on the cold pavement. She cried, "My feet are cold," so I told her to put on her shoes. She boo-hooed loud enough to wake the dead all the way home saying, "I don't want to leave."

I know I did what had to be done. She does not get to make the rules and dictate to me what she will and will not do. But because I am spending so much time either impatient due to lack of sleep or busy tending to G, I feel horribly guilty....moreso than I usually would because I am spending most of my time being the heavy...not enjoying time with her like we used to do just 5 short weeks ago. When life is in survival mode, pleasurable activities take a backseat first.

So now my insides are all bungled up with love for her and compassion because her world has been rocked more than mine and D's with G's arrival. We knew what to expect but she didn't. And at the same time, I cannot stand her alot of the time because while what she is doing is normal and healthy, it is also highly annoying and aggravating.

This will get better. This will get better. This will get better. I know we will adapt, G will sleep eventually, N will settle in to life with a little brother, I won't be nursing 5,000 times a day forever. But on days like today, these things seem like a fairytale dream.