Owner's manual needed

Yes, I need a manual for dealing with N and all her 3-year-old glory. We've had two recent episodes that have left me wondering just how many years of therapy she will need to address her issues with her mother (and how many I will need to address my issues with my daughter and how I parented her).

Yesterday's issue involved her lack of desire to poop on the potty. She pees on the pot no problem, but she will not EVER poop on it. I have tried giving her M&Ms after a successful poop, but she doesn't bite. I tried offering Polly Pocket dolls for every 3 times she poops; again, no bite. She will poop in her underpants and then sit in it, squooshing it everywhere making a gigantic mess for me, and she doesn't care. I don't even know she's pooped until I smell her or see the big bulge in her trunk. Most of the time she refuses to come to the bathroom to get cleaned up, leaving me to drag her there stinking all the way.

So drag her is what I had to do yesterday. Once in the bathroom, she wouldn't cooperate by standing on the stool, so I basically flopped a big mound of poop onto the floor and said, "Ok, we'll just leave it there and you can keep the poop stuck to your butt and legs." N didn't like the idea of the poop being on the floor, so I cleaned that up. When I tried to get her clean, she kept putzing around, not standing still. Suffice it to say, she ended up hitting me so I grabbed her by the arm and drug her out of the bathroom. She lost her footing and fell, with me still dragging.

I felt awful because when I put her in her room she said,"Mommy, you hurt me." I intended to give both of us a time-out but I felt so horrible I just went back into her room and hugged her. She said, "Mommy, I'll be a good girl and cooperate." GUILT. I told her she is always a good girl, but it really frustrates mommy when I have to clean up her poopy messes and she doesn't stand still and cooperate to make it easier. I told her I don't get mad at her pooping in her underpants, just when she won't let me clean her up. GUILT.

And then today we visited my aunt, who gave N a My Little Pony candy. I told N she could have it after dinner (this was nearly 5 when she was given the candy). When we got home, N got her pink scissors and tried opening her candy. I told her she couldn't eat it until after supper, but she proceeded to keep cutting, so I took them and put them on a high kitchen shelf. N dragged a dining room chair into the kitchen with the intent of getting her scissors, so before she could, I hid them on a high shelf in the living room. Undaunted, N grabbed my scissors. I got her off the chair, put my scissors up and told her if she tried to open the candy again, I'd throw it in the outside garbage can (since I figured she'd go kitchen can fishing for them).

G started fussing so I started nursing him. N took this as her opportunity to push the envelope. She kept asking me where her pink scissors were and saying she wanted to eat her candy. At one point, she was poking me on the arm and smacking me with the little bag of candy. I tried to ignore her, but she figured she had a captive audience since I was nursing. I unlatched G and set him on the sofa, grabbed the candy from her hand, and headed for the garage with her sobbing on my heels. The candy landed in the outside can, and N was again taken upstairs to her room. I went back to nursing.

When I got back upstairs to her, she again said, "I'll be a good girl." And again, I told her she is always a good girl and I always love her but she is making bad choices and that frustrates mommy to see her making bad choices.

So I don't know if what I do is good or bad or harsh or firm or anything. All I know is that I feel like I have to set boundaries for her. I simply can't allow her to walk all over me and not have consequences. It is unsanitary to let her sit in poop for hours, even if she is totally ok with it. And she cannot hit me or anyone else.

I know I would earn an "A" for effort on this whole parenting gig because I try hard to be consistent and firm but still let her know that I love her to death. The learning curve is really fucking steep.