My inner dog

I used to like dogs until D and I, early in our marriage, "catsat" my SIL's 2 boys, Jasper & Sunny. I was surprised by how much I totally enjoyed the cats. God, they were easy. They didn't require any effort....clean the litterbox, food once a day, stroke their heads if they decided to deign me with their presence.

And that began a years-in-the-making realization that I am a psychological dog. As much as I have tried to change my inner puppy, my instinctive drive is toward canine behavior.

Dogs are needy creatures. They bark and yip and yap and growl. They require taking outside or walkings around the neighborhood. They enjoy meeting other dogs and the requisite butt-sniffing that ensues. And when they want your attention, they paw, scratch, jump up, chase their tails, run around like mad. And while this certainly doesn't sound like anything Carrie does on the outside (particularly the butt-sniffing), it is so me on the inside. And that is where all of reality is anyway, right?

I never had a cat as a child, so my automatic assumption was that I preferred dogs. But strangely enough, the people I chose to spend time with as I got into college and beyond were cats. Quiet, reserved, preferred to keep to themselves. My dearest friend K is a "cat." So is D. I love the cat in them, and am a little envious too.

I envy the satisfaction of their being content alone. The easiness of them. The seeming easiness of just being themselves. Not like me....not spastically arffing over every little event. Not needing someone to walk me or talk to me (there's a good widdle Carrie-girl) or petting my head and providing me my day's comfort and love.

So for years, I've been trying to find my inner cat. Or perform transgender reassignment of the canine soul of me. I have spent a large chunk of my adult life trying to not be something I instinctively am (and no, this isn't some roundabout way of saying I'm gay. I think I would have an easier time accepting myself as gay.) Being a psychological dog is being weak and needy and obnoxious, while psychological cats are cool, sheik and strong.

Is there any logic behind this? Of course not! When has logic or reason or rationality ever informed any of my views about myself or the world?

So now I am somewhere between a cat and a dog. Isn't there some freakish cartoon with that premise? And I am having to try to accept what I am inherently and what I am due to changes I have brought about.

The truth is both sides have their merits and disadvantages. Dogs aren't all bad. Despite all the slobbering and licking they do, they are damn loyal. And dogs are very sensitive to the moods of others. And they are certainly more enthusiastic about anything than cats.

So there it is. I am really a cog or a dat or a fenine or a caline. Or I'm just me.