Most people would say I'm not a half-ass person, as in, I give things my 110% effort. I have generally agreed with this assessment, but lately I'm discovering that I have a secret half-assed life that I keep hidden from everyone, including myself.
It occurred to me today that the reason my half-assed efforts aren't well-known is because I simply give up if I don't succeed immediately. I become easily bored and frustrated with actually having to work at something, and so I quit. Sewing is one good example of this. I would never be a great seamstress; probably not even middling, and so due to lack of greatness, I don't sew.
It's just another wrestling match between me and life for control. If I can't be outstanding at sewing or playing guitar, well then piss on it. If it takes the least bit of practice or challenge....forget it.
Because I didn't rock out like Kim Gordon after completing a 6-week guitar class, I have dropped it. I haven't practiced in weeks. The guitar and tuner are sitting in my basement, waiting patiently, but I bypass them on my way to doing other things that come easily, like scrapbooking or blathering on about my psychological gymnastics on this blog.
Because D and I haven't conceived yet, I am starting to think I'll just go back on the pill. Well damn...it's not coming easily. This is requiring effort. Chuck the whole idea, then.
I think what brought about this self-revelation was my efforts just an hour or so ago to bake cookies. I rarely bake cookies, and I know why. You see, I am a wing it kind of cook. If I don't have an ingredient, I wing it with something else (perhaps similar to what was called for, perhaps not). A friend gave me a salad recipe and we've had it a million times, but only recently have I actually made it with all the ingredients called for on the recipe card.
But cookies, you see, are something with which a person really can't or shouldn't wing it. So I was making Jello cookies, where you add 2 packets of Jello to the flour, butter, egg, sugar, etc. I added lime and strawberry....thinking "How pretty they will be...Christmas colors." It didn't dawn on me until after I had tasted them how lime and strawberry FLAVORS might blend. So these cookies have a weird wang about them (and the color doesn't look Christmas-y; it looks like vomit). And so, because they are not a smashing culinary success, I shall not bake anymore until next year when I want to attend a cookie exchange and am too embarrassed to purchase cookies at Kroger.
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