Letting traditions go

Last year, when my dad was going through his cancer and chemotherapy/radiation, I reached out to a former boyfriend who is now a chaplain and asked him to recommend some books to help me deal with my feelings. 

My medication keeps me on an even emotional keel, for the most part, but intense stress gums up the works. With the pandemic, my keel was wonky anyway; dad's diagnosis and treatment left me feeling way unmoored.

I read several books he suggested, including No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat Hanh and When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron. 

Between my own therapy and going through therapy with G, I've learned a lot about how anxiety and OCD work, and so I've tried to get better and more mindful about my acts of "letting go." I've tried to remind myself to feel whatever unpleasant feeling I'm having, hold it and sit with it until it doesn't hurt anymore (or not as much), and then let the desire to control the situation dissipate. 

I've also tried, in these past 20 months since COVID appeared here, to really not force myself to do things I don't want to do. 

Now, this doesn't mean I'm not working or doing the mom thing because those are things I need to do. Those are the tending to the tree work so that in the future of 10 or 20 years, I have shade in my garden.

But what I'm letting go of, and I've always been pretty good at this, is letting go of the stuff that really hasn't ever been necessary except that everyone else does it, and so we feel that it is required. 

I compare this to cutting back all the dead stalks in my garden each fall and throwing away all the dead leaves that fall on my grass. Someone, somewhere, decided this is what you do, and so everyone with a yard followed suit (in the same way that we all bought into the yard to begin with). In truth, cutting back stalks and removing every shred of leaves is detrimental to the health of the landscape. Birds and insects use those dead stalks and dead leaves to overwinter. The dead leaves decompose and provide nutrients to my flower beds. 

Essentially, going along with whatever every other homeowner does is extra work for me that harms my yard. 

We are going about our normal Thanksgiving which has always been okay with me because I've only ever had to make two dishes. When the day/time come when my MIL doesn't want to or can't do Thanksgiving, I do not necessarily think I will adopt the practice of bringing everyone together. I cannot say for certain. That could be next year or 15 years from now. 

But I hate entertaining. I really don't like to cook. And so I would have to find a way to do it that would not make me miserable. I know too many people, friends of mine and family, who do Thanksgiving (and Christmas and Easter) and stress about it. 

And yet, it is a holiday that we all do because someone, somewhere told us we had to. Did any of us ever formally decide, "Yes, I want to celebrate this holiday in this particular way?" Or have we all just done it because we've always done it. 

I have decided this year that our Christmas is changing. I am doing a long-term sub job until the district's winter break, and I am going to be tired. Subbing wears me the heck out. Plus, at the best of times, I hate shopping. So I have decided that I am not buying gifts for anyone. My children have everything they could ever want (and would rather have money anyway, I think). 

Our family is supposed to leave on a short trip soon after school ends, and this complicates the Christmas planning too, so I'm not planning. With airlines and delays being what they are, I have no guarantee that we will even get back when we are supposed to, so I'm not doing our "normal" at all. I'm not even going to try. While we are gone, if I feel inclined to buy someone something on our travels, I will get it. But I'm not buying everyone stuff just to have them a gift at Christmas. 

(I should say that this non-traditional Christmas is bringing its own OCD stress with it. The irrational part of my brain is pretty well convinced one of my parents is going to get COVID today at Thanksgiving and will be on a ventilator at Christmas, making our trip not happen.)

I am not putting up all the Christmas trees because the kids only help because I fuss at them, so I am putting up one tree that I will do myself and not ask them for help. I don't even care about Christmas, and I am sick and tired of trying to make my family a holiday that they don't seem to care about (although I suspect they will complain this year because it "isn't the same.") 

I feel like screaming from the rafters to every woman I know: STOP DOING THIS SHIT FOR YOUR FAMILIES UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY DOING THIS SHIT FOR YOUR FAMILIES. IF YOU FUCKING HATE IT, then STOP. 

This year, I am listening to the crazy screeching lady in the rafters. 

So how do I "plan" these trips?

I am certainly no guru of vacation planning, but I have collected some websites that I regularly use to help me when I travel plan. 

We try to avoid hotels as much as possible because we are a family of 5, and my mother-in-law often accompanies us on long trips, which makes us a family of 6. 

Finding one hotel room that can handle 5 people is difficult, but when we need a hotel, I try to use this site to help me locate one. 

I have had great success using VRBO to find houses and condos--in South Carolina, in Alabama, in Florida, in Michigan.  I have not used Airbnb only because I've had good luck with VRBO.

I have used Roadtrippers to help find unusual things along the route that we plan to take. On one drive to Sanibel Island, FL (a 14-hour drive), we stopped at Foster Falls, TN because I found it on Roadtrippers.  It was a lovely hike that broke up the drive. 

To be perfectly honest, most of my travel "finds" have been pure dumb luck.  

We used a Canadian travel agency for our Quebec trip that I just happened upon one day while searching---Fresh Tracks Canada.   The company completely rocked it out with super personalized service. I could not recommend them more highly. 

In thinking about a trip to Utah, I have been using this site a lot. One of the things I like about it is that it lists trails that are good to do with kids. I just googled "Mighty 5 Utah with kids" and found it. It has been very good at taking me down a travel rabbit hole from which I reluctantly return to real life. 

When we've gone to Disney, we never stay on property but have always used Florida Sun Vacation Homes to book a house within a mile or two of Disney property. A friend of mine from back in Mom Club days turned me onto this site. A three-bedroom, 3-bath condo during peak season is around $150 a night. We'll drive ourselves 1-mile to Disney for $150 a night, thank you very much. 

A big part of planning is knowing what you and your family like and don't like. We do not like busy, touristy places with lots of people and traffic. Anything with a "strip" is to be avoided, which means my searches do not involve those types of things. 

G always likes to play miniature golf, so that is one of the things I look for whenever we do a beach trip. We aren't big on eating out, so I don't spend a lot of time looking up restaurants. One of my rules is that if there is a lighthouse where we go, we have to see it. I just like 'em, so when I research places that are near water, I always check for this. 

In the past, I've tried to do one day trip to a nearby city when we go to the beach. When we went to Edisto Island, we were an hour from Charleston, so we drove over and spent the day. On our upcoming trip, we'll be near Savannah, but I've decided we will not go there. D and I visited Savannah prior to kids and have nice memories of it which we would like to keep intact. 

Also, I think since D and I did Quebec, I kinda got the "do something more than sitting on the beach" thing out of my system. 

When I see essays in magazines on travel, I make a point to cut them out and save them. I did this eons ago with an article about the UP.  It took us a long time to get there, but that article planted a seed that eventually grew into a trip. Call it an "inspiration board" if you like. 

These are two articles I found---one from Better Homes & Gardens on national parks, and the other from a travel magazine that came with the newspaper. I have them hanging from a magnet board in my kitchen so I can see them and reference them if needed. 

I also keep a manilla folder on my desk for brochures that I pick up. I think Chattanooga, TN would be a great little trip at some point. 

I take a lot of notes and look at a lot of maps to figure out where we want to go, and then I draw my route so I can get a better handle on it. I also plot time distance between spots. 

When I was talking to my parents yesterday about Utah, my dad was like, "Oh, it doesn't take long to drive between Zion and Bryce," but I had to remind him that travel time with two adults in the car is different from travel time with 2 adults, 1 teenager and 2 very loud little boys in the car. Two hours with two adults is a nice drive. Two hours with the aforementioned combination whose Kindles have run out of juice is the premise of a horror film. 

Anyway, I'm always game to talk about travel with people, share my dumb luck finds, and utilize their knowledge. I think people who enjoy travel tend to find each other. One of my girlfriends has been a great source of inspiration for trips. I've also used Facebook a lot to get in touch with people. A friend of mine from book club grew up in Michigan---she got me in contact with a couple of her friends who could provide me info on the UP, which was super helpful. 

This is SO MUCH BETTER than reality television, right?

Yes, we're running out of time

I annoy my husband, my mother, and my sister-in-law with my exuberant vacation planning.
I likely annoy other people, too, but these are the confirmed cases.

It drives them bonkers that I haven't even gone on the current year's family vacation before I'm off and planning next year's......or 2024's.

How do I have time for this?
I do not watch television.  Ever.
This gives me loads of time to 1. read books and 2. research places to see and things to do.

I immensely enjoy learning about other places and dreaming of what seeing these places with my own two eyes might be like.

Just because I talk about a place doesn't mean that this is where we will land.

Before D and I finally decided on Quebec, I had researched Paris, Bavaria, The Greenbriar Inn in West Virginia, Hawaii, and Key West. I had also suggested that we just drive one mile to the Hilton Garden Inn because I couldn't decide.

G asked to go to Atlantis in the Bahamas, and I researched it. He also asked to go to Moon Palace in Cancun, and I researched that, too.

Given our "international airport" that isn't AT ALL international, it would be insanely expensive to go to either of those places, and I don't have a burning desire to visit either. I mean, if someone handed me $10,000 and said, "This money HAS TO BE SPENT ON A TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS OR CANCUN!" I would oblige them. But if I am spending our money, I want to go someplace that D or I really want to go (and by D and I, I mostly mean "I" because D just goes along 98% of the time with whatever I want to do).

My sister-in-law, when I commented that G just wants to go to a cool pool, said, "Why don't you just take him to Great Wolf Lodge?"

We have never been to a Great Wolf Lodge, mostly because D and I don't relish being around people very much. This is why we like hiking in the woods and seeing outdoors stuff---less people, more rock, tree, animals that don't speak.

But her idea was GENIUS!!

So I showed G the website and asked, "If we went here, could we forget about Atlantis and Cancun?" and he said yes.

Now that I feel like his desire will be happily met, I can carry on with my desire to visit out west.

Now, two days ago, D and I took the kids an hour away from our house to a state park, where we made them hike a bit and then hung out at the park pool.  They complained, of course, but overall, they did what we wanted to do without complete meltdowns for 4 hours.

We spent $9 to enter the state park, $15 for all 5 of us to swim, and $13 at the concession stand. A day trip to the woods for well under $50 is less than what we'd spend if we stayed in town and went to the trampoline place for an hour.

I am going to whine like hell about hiking in the woods

 and walking up a trail, but you bet your sweet bippy, I will climb

 this thing 37,000 times to go down the water slide 

and love every second of it.

Someone call CPS. My mother made me 

look at this amazing wonder of creation. 

Geezus, this woman loves me and wants me to walk

 and enjoy nature and quiet and family time.

When I blathered on yesterday about going to Utah next summer, D mentioned how well N did in comparison to the boys on our Monday hiking excursion and said that maybe we had better wait until the boys are N's age.

He has a point.
At 13, N can carry her own stuff and doesn't complain, but a large part of that is that N just isn't a complainer.
G will complain whether he is 13 or 23 or 103. That is part of his personality. He has never been a go-with-the-flow kid, and I doubt he ever will be. He takes bribery and cajoling and (much desiring of beer on my part).

But my point is that when G is 13, N will be almost 17.
When M is 13, N will be almost 19.

She will be gone, busy with her own life, although I suspect an all-expense paid trip to wherever is a good inducement to go with her parents and younger brothers.
However, I know that for me, I did not go on a vacation with my parents and brother when I was newly graduated from high school because I had gotten a summer job at a grocery store that went belly-up two months later.
I have wished for a long, long time that I had told the grocery store I was going on vacation with my parents, and I'd see them in a week.
I know that I rarely regret what I DID, but I always regret what I DIDN'T DO.

My argument is that the time is now (and given how stiff D's back was yesterday after hiking on Monday, I say we better get out to Utah before he is too old and decrepit to go himself).

My experience is that when your youngest child is 7 and your oldest is 13, you realize that 1. this is an awesome sweet spot of parenting and 2. HOLY CRAP it is going to end very soon so I better carpe diem the heck out of the next decade.

If Utah looks to be too intense, my back-up is the Rocky Mountains in Colorado.
But barring a catastrophe, our butts will be heading west next summer. 

I will probably be fired

I have been tasked with an advertising project for the family of magazines I have written for since 2010.

It would not be hyperbole to say I am hating it a little bit.

It isn't the writing---that is fine. I can roll the writing out like a machine.

What is maddening beyond belief is the scheduling or, more specifically, the lack of scheduling on the part of the individuals I am supposed to be getting on the schedule for their interviews.

I, unfortunately, take deadlines pretty seriously, an affliction that no one but me seems to have.

My editor has linked me to a spreadsheet where I am supposed to note my progress--contact made, when the interview is done, when the article is submitted, etc.

My tolerance for scheduling frustration is quite low, so I am now posting these kinds of commentary in the spreadsheet:

--STILL playing phone tag with this lady
--I'm getting tired of calling this chick
--(sound of Carrie whistling)......no....really..that deadline is totally optional, people. Just ignore me.

I KNOW that a big part of my problem is me.

My deadline is a rolling one beginning June 20. I've got the intro and one of the articles written but not submitted because I had a question to which I am waiting for an answer.

I've got time.

But we've got camp in two weeks which will make me pretty much unavailable for five working days.  When I return home each day at 4 pm, I will be smelly and dead.

And I just hatehatehatehatehatehatehate the waiting for people to respond.  I always have....from the time I was a preteen.

I'm telling myself this is the continuation of character building in my 40-something self, but it just sucks, and I just suck at character building.

I worry that they may fire me (or stop hiring me) for articles due to my spreadsheet commentary.

Unless, of course, they give it to me because no one else wants to deal with this shit.

Maybe paying off the house early isn't a financially smart goal

After my last post on personal finance, I got $20 in cash every time I had a big grocery run, set it aside, and when I had $100, I put it on the mortgage principal.  I did this from August through November.  

Good for me.

But then, a week or so ago, I sat down and actually used a mortgage calculator to figure out how much this $100 a month would mean in months taken off our mortgage loan.  

And it was nothing.....not even a year.

So then I figured out how much we'd have to pay off on the principal every month to see a sizable difference in loan reduction (like 2 years).  

It was something on the order of an extra $800 A MONTH!

Um, we don't really have $800 a month floating around doing absolutely nothing.  We don't live paycheck to paycheck, but we also save money in various accounts to help pay for car repairs and house repairs and Christmas expenses and medical expenses and travel.  It would be irresponsible for us to move our cash savings into the house, where it is stuck, and we can't get to it.  

I apparently forgot that in getting a 15-year-mortgage, we had already shaved off 15 YEARS of a mortgage, which is great.  I just wanted to shave off more.  

It was N's orthodontic visit, during which we got the go-ahead to have full braces put on (and the bill that went along with that that), that induced me to really run the numbers.  And I sorta realized that the $500 I had put on the principal might have been better funneled into our medical savings account...

because that is 4 months of braces paid off or over a month of weekly occupational therapy appointments for G.  

It is years of monthly viola rental payments paid off.

It is a little over what I just spent on tires and a coolant flush for my minivan, which really needs to last us another 5 years.  

Security has always been one of our primary financial goals.....having some wiggle room for the unexpected things that come down the pike.  As it happens, when I took the time to look rationally at the numbers (instead of emotionally at the numbers....which is what paying off the mortgage is for me...an emotional desire), it seems that at this stage in our lives, that is not the smartest, most secure financial decision.  

Things I did that I enjoyed even though I don't normally enjoy them

Sometimes I wonder if I spent the early years of motherhood in an invasion of the body snatcher-type scenario since I volunteered to coordinate class parties and be a room mom, and I enjoyed it.

When N began preschool, I eagerly went to planning meetings and parties.  I took photos at every party.  I even dressed up for parties to be festive.  Same for G, although with decreased enthusiasm.  By the time M was in his second year of preschool, when parties were on Fridays, I was working at the cottage school and wasn't able to attend them except for the one in December.  And I didn't entirely mind.

For awhile, I hesitantly told teachers that if they were absolutely desperate I would be room mom (or preferably, share room-mom duty), but if someone else wanted to do it, I was happy, thrilled, ecstatic to let them have at it.  I am not, nor have I ever been, a room mom who aspires to Pinterest-greatness.  I have far too much party-related crap in my house to want to be the person who gives kids party-related crap to take to their own homes.  I think this is one of the reasons I'm more suited to middle school---give 'em pizza and let them listen to music or watch a movie.  End.of.party.planning.

This school year, for the first time, I didn't even put my name on the lists as even possibly being interested in helping with parties or being room mom.  I'm happy to buy icing and stickers and send them in, as well as attend the party if I'm able, but I don't want the responsibility for the party or the room decorating or the door decorating or the anything entertaining/festivity-related.

I am not a person who enjoys entertaining.  I never rarely invite people to my home.  I invite my brother, my parents, my MIL, and my SIL to the kids' birthday parties, and I host bookclub one time a year.

I don't just invite friends over for brunch or a party.  D and I don't invite couples over for dinner.  Maybe once every other year we meet another couple for dinner at a restaurant.  That's it.  I cannot imagine ever traveling with another couple on a trip.

I enjoy visiting with one friend at a time.  I enjoy going to bookclub but especially when there are only about 5 people in attendance, when we can have one single conversation that stays on track and doesn't end up being 2-3 separate conversations around the room.

For someone who likes to discuss things with other people, I really hate socializing.  If you are one of the five people on the planet (my mom included) whom I meet with for coffee or to take a walk or something....well, you are pretty damned special.

Anyway, the point of this whole thread is how I enjoyed doing things that I don't, when other opportunities abound (like teaching or writing), enjoy doing.  I'm not sure what to think about this....I ask myself, "Was I faking?"  I don't think so....I did really enjoy doing these things, and I wanted to do these things.  But my preference, especially after I've done them for years and years, is to do something else that I naturally enjoy (and it helps if I'm getting paid to do those other things).  

I'm looking forward to summer break (but reserve the right to change my mind 2 days into summer break)

Anyone who has known me for 5+ years would think that, perhaps, an X-File type incident had happened to me.  Maybe in a cornfield, with a glowing disc hovering over my head, and tiny green men prodding me with scientific instruments?

How in the world is Carrie even suggesting that she is looking forward to summer break?  With her three children?

It defies reality.

And yet, that is how I feel.

I am tired of waking at 6 am every day for the middle school routine, and I am especially tired of driving N to school every other week.  I am tired of afternoon pick-up.

I am tired of homework for both boys.

I am tired of projects and costumes.  G had to make a small float for a horse race parade, and when I saw the info sheet on it, I handed it to D immediately.  "Here, you're doing this," I said.  No questions, no complaints.  I'm queen of costumes; he can be in charge of engineering.

I am tired of trying to figure out G's OT schedule and how I'm going to get the boys to the clinic for allergy shots in the midst of their school schedules.

And we're not even a busy family with loads of activities.  N had two weeks in a row of orchestra concerts that exhausted me.  I can't imagine our lives when all three kids will have stuff going on.  I don't especially want to imagine it.

It feels like my life became infinitely more complicated when M began kindergarten this year, but I think this is more to do with N being on the middle/high schedule and G/M being on the elementary schedule.  Plus, we had the bus situation mid-year that complicated things.  And me starting to sub has meant changes, too.

In the midst of all this, I think I finally, FINALLY got to the point where I'm just not worried about every second of my children's existence being educational or worthwhile or productive or whatever.  I think the busyness of their days at school has made me appreciate that they just sorta need down time to play games or vegetate or do what they want without me feeling guilty for not molding their brains into whatever perfect things I thought their brains should be.

Our summer will end up being busier than I expect.  The four of us will all be at Girl Scout camp in June for a week.  And I'm co-leading vacation bible school at the church for five nights.  And I'm going to do some grant-writing for a local museum.

But, we're also going to do a lot of nothing, and I think I'm glad of that.

The never-ending birthday saga....

I recently wrote an article about planning a reunion and neighborhood block party, which is definitely not my skill set (the topic....not the actual writing, I mean).

This is actually the second article I've written about party-planning.  One published in Nov/Dec 2015 and made me realize that I am a terrible hostess.  When I interviewed two party planning experts, I learned that I basically do everything wrong, which is why I don't entertain often.  (If you are looking for event planning/management resources, Eventbrite might be something to check out.)

Today was N's final, final, absolute last or I'm gonna scream turning 12-years-old birthday commemoration.  She had one with just the five of us, one with my side of the family, one with D's side, and now this one with friends.

She was allowed to invite 5 friends (since only 5 other people besides me and her can fit in the minivan) and take them to a trampoline place.  They ate unfrozen pizza, cake and ice cream prior to the trampoline place.  This is as much as I can stand given it is celebration #4.

I am definitely a "simplicity" party person.  I'm not going to spend tons of time on Pinterest....or any time on Pinterest, really.  I suspect there are a lot of moms out there like me.....who don't have $300 to spend on a big birthday party for each kid every year (or don't want to spend that) and who don't have the time or desire to make parties into "events."

Here are simple things to make parties fun and meaningful.....

I. Commemorative "gift" items

As a general rule, I abhor gift bags.  Kids need to learn how to give a gift without expecting a gift bag for attending the party.  Plus, most of the stuff that parents put in gift bags are cheap toys and candy.  My kid has just been fed a slice of cake, ice cream and juice.  The last thing he needs is candy.  The last thing my house needs is more removable tattoos, stickers or cheap plastic thingies that I have to surreptitiously toss in the garbage.

What I CAN get behind in the way of "attendee gifts" is something special that commemorates the day.  And by this I mean, a photograph of my child and your child together.  I will be thrilled because it is something to put in their scrapbooks, and my kid will be super thrilled because kids love to have photos of themselves with their friends.

II. Something to house the commemorative "gift" item

Something as simple as card stock could be decorated by kids at the party (Hello!  Easy activity for keeping kiddos occupied) and used as a mat for their commemorative photograph.  This card stock mat could also serve as a thank you note:  "Thanks for being my friend and coming to my party."

People who want to be more fancy than card stock can buy inexpensive wooden frames at Michaels or clear plastic frames at dollar stores.

N has made these are birthday parties she has attended, as well as Girl Scout camp.  Even I can handle something like this.

N will be sending 4x6 copies of a photo I took with her and her friends today in her thank you cards.

III.  Make them learn something

Every moment of every day is an opportunity to learn, and I don't mean boring, stodgy learning that sucks the life out of everything.  If your 8-year-old son is having a "medieval knights" themed party, and you are of the persuasion to plan for the party more than 5 minutes in advance, have them play medieval bingo, where they can land on and learn about being drawn/quartered or other horrible things from that time.  This is a book any 8-year-old boy will love.

IV. Have a start time AND end time

One of the moms told me today that she liked how specific our invitation was.  Drop off at our house noon; pick up at trampoline place at 2:45.  Boom!  Now go plan your day.  None of this nebulous, "It ends whenever you feel like picking your child up."

V.  You don't have to pay the party place for the cupcake bit

I understand the convenience of just doing everything at the party place.....but really, like $300 just so a teenager can hand out cupcakes to my kid?  I like the idea of minimizing the guest list....6 kids including mine...by how many can fit in my car.  They come here, eat, open gifts and bug around. I drive them to the roller-rink or trampoline place or wherever.  Today I spent $118 (including for the boys and me to jump).  N had a good time with her friends.  Mission accomplished.  

News of the weird

I cannot believe I am writing this, but I am starting to have feelings of......ahem......looking forward to summer break.

No, I haven't forgotten to take my medication, and I have been getting enough sleep, and I am not having a break with reality of the Beautiful Mind variety.

As much as I love routine, I am also tired of the school routine at present, both my teaching routine and my kids' homework and projects and paperwork and activities.  I am ready for the routine of summer....visiting the pool and playing outside and picking berries/fruit and going to the beach.

For those who would comment on my public dissatisfaction with snow days, summer break differs tremendously. It is not a random event for which one can't prepare.  It is not being trapped inside the house with kids who thought they were supposed to go to school and are now losing IQ points on the Xbox and who WILL COMPLAIN MIGHTILY when they are forced to go back to school, especially if there is still a flake of snow on the ground.

I am already making my mental list of things I can do with the kids and ways to organize the day.  The weather rarely makes it impossible to go outside in summer.  Even in the most stifling of heat, we can head to the pool for a few hours.

Of course, I won't get my beloved 6 hours of Carrie time a week for awhile, but the kids feel a little easier than they used to.  We're not trapped by nap-schedules, and at some point I finally, finally relaxed around the kids.  It was so gradual and subtle I didn't even notice that it happened.  I only noticed the lack of worrying.

I used to feel, every second of every day, so tense when my children were left to their own devices.  I felt like at those moments I should be engaging them, working with them, enhancing their experiences, building their knowledge.  Call it "Third Child Disengagement" or whatever, but not only do I need to leave them to their own devices, they find each other far more funny and entertaining than I ever am.

So having the summer months.....the routine of summer with me planning some fun activities for us.....is a welcome break from the rigor of the school routine.

The good, the stupid, the things worth remembering

I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and I will always be glad that I have been there for every "big" thing in all 3 of my kids' young lives.  Being a control-freak who doubts that anyone could do even 1/10th as good of job raising my kids as I have (warts & all) I am very thankful that I have been able to do it for.......gasp.....a decade.

Dang.

I know that moms who work outside the home have a different kind of hard from me, but one of the biggest things that I think many stay-at-home moms miss from working outside the home is the professional respect they get for a job well done, which comes in the form of a paycheck or a bonus or a "You did great on that project!"

I know my children love me, but they can be complete dickheads towards me, which might be tolerable if I got a paycheck or professional credits or something that would balance out the "I feel like shit about myself" scale.

THE GOOD
Which was part of the reason I am part-time teaching.  My students don't demand things of me.  They bring me Valentines and write me notes or send emails that say things like....
 I am amazed at how by taking your English class, how I have had more of a desire to start working on my novel(s) again. And by looking at books and talking about them and connections and all that wonderfulness, I've begun to notice it in my own work, and made more of an effort to create connections, even if i never expose it or give it more than a single mention. Your class has made writing more fun and exciting! thanks!

And I get emails from parents that say things like....
Thanks for all you do.  B is really enjoying this new book.  He doesn't want to put the book down, which is a huge joy for me to see.

This is also part of the reason I do the Girl Scout troop and the GEMS Club.  Ninety percent of it is for N, but that last 10% is because I get emails from teachers to tell me that a kid who attended the club said this in class:
"I have prior knowledge of this from GEMS club!" :)

And I had to wipe none of these kids' butts or get them a snack or listen to why I am such a jerk because I won't let them do whatever it is they want to do.

THE STUPID
I blame most of my recent bouts of stupidity on these damned snow days, which have completely smashed any semblance of normalcy in my weeks.  When you are out of a routine, you tend to forget or overlook things.  In my case, the thing I overlooked was pretty darn important.

M's preschool Valentine Party was last Tuesday.  I coordinated the party and had emailed the other parents to remind them of what they said they would do or bring.  When I arrived at the party, I realized I had forgotten M's Valentines at home so I ran back to get them.

Later, after the party had started, I didn't see the food and I couldn't remember who was supposed to bring it.  I asked one of the moms if she remembered or if she knew where whomever was supposed to have brought it put it.  She checked her phone, laughed and then pointed at me.

ME!  I WAS THE IDIOT WHO FORGOT THE FOOD!

I know some people might say this is a classic case of "doing too much," but I really do think it is that I had all 3 kids at home the day before the party.  When I would have normally cleaned up my desk, gone over all my "to dos" for the week and run to the store, I was instead trying to wrap my head around yet another snow day and all the noise and chaos that would instead be my Monday.

THE THINGS WORTH REMEMBERING

In the car the other day, G said, "Mommy, look at the snow sparkling!"  In all my years, I have never noticed snow sparkling in the sunshine.  It made me happy to see this, but more importantly it made me happy that my G helped me notice it.  It reminded me of all his good qualities, which have been sometimes difficult to see in the past few months.  

The Ps

PIANO
It has been about 15 months since I started taking piano lessons with N.  Apparently, she and I seem to have a little talent (or our piano teacher is a big ole liar).  One of the best things about taking piano with N has been that I have a really good reason to keep practicing and attending lesson each week:  the example I am setting for her.  When I took guitar lessons/classes in years past, it didn't take me too long to give up.  Perhaps guitar just wasn't my thing.

I think I'm sticking with piano because doing anything---working out or playing an instrument or figuring out a problem---is better when you have someone doing it with you, to spur you on, to give you encouragement.

Over these months, I have learned how to read music and am able to "get" music jokes that I see on FB periodically.  I was struggling for a while with moving my hands around rather than sticking with certain positions (like C or G position). Right now I am working on "Caisson Song."

I am hopeful that the boys seeing and hearing me and N play piano will increase their enthusiasm to play when they are older.

PIDDLING
Piddling is one of the biggest problems I have with being a stay-at-home mom and is the reason I check FB over and over.

Having children underfoot makes it nearly impossible to get anything done if it requires considerable thought or time.  If you can't get it done in 12 minutes, you are going to get seriously disgusted with the interruptions or have to stop so many times to retrieve toys, wipe butts or get snacks ready that you just give up in tears and start drinking LONG before 5 o'clock .

I am NOT a good piddler, but certain activities are perfect for piddling:
1. Sewing patches onto Girl Scout vests
2. Gluing boxtops onto collection sheets

That's it.  Everything else takes more involvement and is pointless to try when you have kids.

PREPARATION:
Summer break is coming fast.  While I will be glad to have a break from homework and projects and various extracurricular activities, I am not looking forward to the difficulty of keeping 3 children of 3 different ages and abilities happy and entertained for 10 weeks.

With N needing to work on math this summer in preparation for AP classes next year and G starting kindergarten in the fall, I am thinking I will institute an actual, written out "Plan of Action."  As usual, there will be field trips to local places of interest.

I think this summer is going to be "fantasy" summer with me and N reading the first Harry Potter book, The Lightning Thief (her pick) and The Hobbit (my pick).  I am hoping that the promise of allowing her to watch the movies once she has completed the books will keep her happily immersed this summer.

Birthday plans

Next week G turns the big 5, a milestone that saddens me a bit.  I remember so much from N's first 5 years.  As my one and only for most of that time, I was able to focus all of my attention on her growth and development, to notice every single change.  

With G becoming the middle child 11 days after he turned 2, I have to queue up the home videos to remember much of his toddler time.  N started elementary school around the same time so distractions abounded.

We are doing it up big this year---a My Gym party with playgroup and preschool friends.  I've purchased the Avenger plates and napkins.  His presents are awaiting wrapping.  And I am thinking about the treats for the occasion that I have brewing in my imagination.  

I am making Avenger-inspired cake pops for his My Gym party, but I want to have a little something on his actual birthday which falls a few days earlier.  So I think I'm going to make a small Hulk cake topped with cake pops that may or may not end up looking like Iron Man, Thor and Captain America.  I'm sure it will be ugly......but made with love.  

Once again I'm swallowing that uncomfortable feeling I get when people RSVP and ask what G would like as a gift.  A part of me wants to say, "Oh don't get him anything," but I know people won't do that, and I know that as a 5-year-old, G wants toys.  I'm always amazed by the kids who forego presents to make a donation to a charity.  I think it is great and kinda freakish (but then I'm a selfish prig so what do I know).  

So I just say something vague like, "Anything your boys would like," or "He likes typical boy things." A non-answer answer to their kind question.  

I am a big book giver, a gift-giving habit I find many people do not share with me.  My kids rarely, if ever, get books as gifts....unless I specifically tell one of the grandmas that the kids want certain books.  Santa, the Easter Bunny and Mommy/Daddy always give books.  A child can have too many toys and clothes, but never, ever too many books.    

G pulled a typical "mind-changing trick" on me.  He asked for a large Captain America doll action figure, but then earlier this week when we saw it at Target  he decided he wanted Iron Man or the Hulk.  I'm hoping his elation over his big party will ease the pain of getting Captain America.  (M is getting the Hulk....because I just cannot buy 2 identical gifts for the boys....it pains me to even think about having 2 identical toys in my house.  I can't explain this phobia.)

So next week will be chock full of homemade cake and buttercream icing making, as well as wrangling with fondant and sugar sheets, substances I have never used before.  

My hopes are high, as they always are.  Reality never, ever matches my dreams, but that is the beauty of children's birthdays. 

In the end, if it has sugar and icing, they so don't care. 

Goals, not resolutions

I don't like the word "resolutions" because it sounds too serious, to committal.  Goals, I think, is a much more, "Well, I'll give it a whirl" word.  This is my semantics discussion for the day.

Some people are very goal-oriented, and some people are not.  I am in the former category.  I think this is why I like saving money because it takes awhile and gives me something to constantly work towards.

Although my anxiety is certainly better managed than its ever been before, setting goals gives me something to focus on besides worry, besides all the things I cannot control in life.  Setting goals makes me feel like I gave a grasp on something.

Some of my goals for 2012 are--

1. to exercise 1 extra day a week (on the treadmill) for 30-45 minutes.

2. to learn to play Happy Birthday on the piano (although with D's help I figured it out last night so I shall say I want to become really excellent at playing it).

3. to read Charles' Dickens A Tale of Two Cities.

4. to paint the basement.

5. to switch the kids' bedrooms so that G and M will share a bedroom and N will have a room all to herself.

6. to make 2 extra house payments (in an attempt to pay this sucker off in 10 years).

I am always glad to see Christmas vamoose so that I can enjoy the days between it and New Year's Day.  There is something about the promise of what is to come that I relish.  It feels exciting and wonderful.

Oh, geesh, I'm talking like an optimist or something.  

The October surprise

In October my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary.

The day before their actual anniversary, my brother and I held a surprise wedding blessing and party for them at their church.  We started planning it in August, making it the longest 2 months of my life since I couldn't talk about it with my mother, whom I talk to about virtually everything.

Much skulking around was needed to pull this thing off.  I had to scan through all the joke emails they send me to pull email addresses for their friends whom I don't personally know.  I had to do some B&E at their home in September and early October when they were out of town to check their address book, borrow some CDs to burn songs onto my iPod, and "steal" the champagne glasses they used at their wedding (that D and I used at our wedding 14 years ago and my brother and SIL used at their wedding 10 years ago).

On the invitations, I put my home phone number as the RSVP contact info, meaning I had to unplug my answering machine whenever my mom was here and I ran errands so she wouldn't hear someone leave a message about the event.

A few days before the event I called the welcoming committee chairperson at Mom and Dad's church to ask if she would call my parents to get them to "usher" at Saturday's 5:00 mass.  It took mom awhile to finally understand that she didn't actually have to usher....that it was our ploy to ensure they showed up to mass.

We ordered a beautiful wedding cake, made a Shutterfly photo album of pictures of them from the past 40 years, and purchased a commemorative plate on which guests could sign their names.

The day after the party I felt like I'd been hit by a truck----exhausted like never before.  I've planned events in the past and never had this kind of visceral feeling after all was said and done.  I think it was the secret-keeping that did me in, the anxiety that someone could let the cat out of the bag.

But it was wonderful.  My dad's two Air Force buddies and their wives (from Ohio and New Jersey) came down, as did many of dad's former co-workers at General Electric.  Mom's quilting group friends attended, as did neighbors and family members.  Mom and Dad were shocked to see so many unexpected faces.

The groom kissing the bride.  

My family.

The refinance dance

D and I bought our home in June 2001.  Our interest rate was 7.16% on a 30-year mortgage.

In 2002, we refinanced at 6.50% on a 30-year and shaved $119 off our monthly payment.

In 2003, we refinanced at 5.50% on a 30-year and dropped $137 off our monthly payment.

In 2009, we refinanced at 4.971% on a 20-year mortgage.  Our monthly payment went up by $17.

Today we refinanced again at 3.75% on a 15-year mortgage.  Our monthly payment will be going up a whopping $3 a month.

Over the years we have made extra payments on the principal.  I believe we have about 45% equity in our home now.

Our first payment will be Jan 1, 2012, but we will make an extra payment at that time with the goal of putting any extra dollars towards the mortgage and paying this baby off in 11 years or less.

Fingers crossed.  

The early stages--Christmas shopping

D thinks I'm half-baked to be doing online Christmas browsing in mid-October, but the truth is I bought my first Christmas presents in June in Orlando FL.  I purchased each of the kids a Disney ornament to continue my tradition of giving them a special ornament every Christmas.

The second leg of my Christmas shopping occurred in mid-September at a huge local children's consignment sale where I picked up $1 books and dinosaurs and $2 puzzles for the kids.  These items are from Mom & Dad since they are sometimes obviously second-hand, and as far as I know, elves make everything from scratch and by hand in their North Pole workshop.

The busyness of my life with the kids makes me not want to wait until after Thanksgiving to shop.

If I did put shopping off until after Thanksgiving, inevitably someone would get sick, which would mean I'd be more or less housebound for at least 2 weeks while the yuckies make the rounds through 3 kids and 2 parents.  Plus, there is the issue of "I don't want to shop with my children in tow" because that makes every shopping excursion last at least 4 and a half hours longer than necessary.  Furthermore, I can only really shop now with M since he is the only one who can't talk and isn't with the whole Santa program anyway.

Then there is all the regular stuff that is filling my mornings.....flu shot clinics and holiday party planning meetings (not to mention the actual parties at N and G's schools) and regular playgroup playdates and volunteering in N's classroom and the 2-year-old's annual photos at JCPenney.  

Finally, there are all the dang grocery store runs I have to make which cut into Christmas shopping time.

So even though retailers might say, "74 shopping days until Christmas 2011," for most parents this REALLY means like 3 shopping days until Christmas what with all the actual stuff that keeps us from doing the Christmas shopping we need to do.

I really try not to go overboard because in addition to a couple gifts from Mom & Dad and a couple gifts from Santa, the kids also get from Mamaw, Nana & Pa, Aunt D and family, Uncle K and family, Uncle J and Aunt K, plus the extended family party that falls in mid-December.  My goal is to spend around $100 per kid, although usually I go a bit over that.  (Although I tell the kids when they ask for toys throughout the year, "Put it on your birthday list" or "Put it on your Christmas life," now that I've been using Mint.com for awhile I am seeing just how often they get toys---like from the Target Dollar Spot or in their Easter baskets or when we're at the Dollar Tree.)

There is a lot of planning and thinking and budgeting that goes into making Christmas morning happen for the kids.  D isn't called upon until Christmas Eve to set already wrapped gifts up around the tree, so it seems like far less work to him than what it actually is.

Hence the reason I start browsing the week of October 10.  

Vacation is stressful....as is everything else

My mental to-do list is making my head hurt because of everything going on in the next month.  

First, I still have my reunion stuff on my mind's back-burner.  Making sure the caterer is contacted and the contract changed.  Making contact with the photographer to reconfirm.  Making contact with the school alumni coordinator to ensure last minute details are ok.  Depositing checks.  Reimbursing myself for postage.  Calling back alums who can come at the last minute.

Second, there is end-of-year school stuff.  Purchasing and making teacher gifts.  Taking teacher gifts to school.  Sending in forms and checks for school-related summer camps for N.  Trying to get done all shopping I might want to do in the summer months since I will have all 3 kids with me and WILL NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WANT TO ATTEMPT SHOPPING WITH THEM IN TOW.  My budget is blown for May, but it is gonna look outstanding in June/July/August because I will not be buying anything or stepping anywhere near Target.  

Third, packing and prepping for vacation.  The actual arrangement-making is nothing compared to the endless insanity of doing laundry, counting out outfits for each day of the trip plus extra shirts since the boys will spill stuff on themselves, purchasing clothing items so D and I don't look like complete ragamuffins down there (the kids look great because we actually buy them clothing on a regular basis), packing all the miscellany we will need or might possibly need and won't want to purchase down there since we have them up here (ear plugs, sound machines, life vest for M, sippy cups for M, ibuprofen and measuring spoons, etc).  

My spending this month has been off-the-chain partly as a result of my goal of immersing my kids in Disney prior to and while we are on vacation.  G has always had 10,000 Lightning McQueen shirts, but I wanted to get N and M some for our days at the Disney parks.  I bought some gently used ones at a local consignment store.  I bought any number of gently used DVDs for the car ride down, to keep N and G happily transfixed and quiet (I hope):  Peter Pan, Tangled, The Princess and the Frog, Ratatouille, and Monsters Inc.  I have created a Disney Songs Travel playlist for my iPod, so I've spent a little change downloading songs.  G has been listening to "The Ballad of Davy Crockett," "I Thought I Lost You," and "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" nonstop.  

Because of G's love of the Davy Crockett song and his and N's talk of riding Splash Mountain, I checked out some books about Mr. Crockett and Breh Rabbit (since Splash Mountain "tells" the story of Tar Baby.)  

I tend to be of the "Inch Wide, Mile Deep" philosophy, I guess.  

Plus, I have bought each of the kids some fun but cheap Disney-themed items to enjoy while they are down there.  For example, I got some Mickey-Mouse flip-flop type shoes to wear to-and-from the pool.  And for N I bought some Tinkerbell lip gloss.  M will get a 101 Dalmations board book.  There are some other goodies stashed away as well.  

Even though I am mentally spent and lord knows my money has been spent and spent and spent, I think this will be one helluva vacation!