Maybe everyone hates poop, I don't know.
But I really, really hate poop.
I always attribute it to my OCD--it is definitely one of my triggers.
I'm an equal opportunity poop-hater.
I hate my poop, and I hate your poop.
When the kids were in diapers, I could handle changing them and cleaning up poop UNLESS it was poop in the bath.
Oh my god--call hazmat.
Nothing set me off like that.
My hands would bleed from the bleach and the cleaning I did of the bathroom after that.
If I have to plunge the toilet and a sprinkle of toilet water gets on my sock, I have to change the sock because I will be able to feel that place on the sock for the entire day, even when it is dry.
My dislike of poop has a long history.
My dad had ulcerative colitis for over 20 years.
He started with it in his forties and eventually had his colon removed in his sixties.
(He has been much happier since then. I wouldn't have waited nearly as long to take that step.)
The house we lived in when I was a kid had one bathroom, which means that whether we liked it or not, we all were very much aware of my dad's condition.
You couldn't take a bath or a shower without him needing to use the toilet.
I spent years of my young adult life worrying that I would develop ulcerative colitis.
What I did have was irritable bowel syndrome, which was its own kind of literal pain in the butt.
Once I went on Lexapro, the IBS went away.
Fast forward to now.
I'm soon to have my first colonoscopy, and I am pissed about it.
You would think that someone would have discovered a better, less invasive, less time-consuming way to check the colon.
I'm pissed because I hate medical procedures in general.
I'm pissed because I hate not being able to eat for an entire day and a half.
I'm pissed because it is bad enough having to poop as part of life, but taking concoctions to make yourself poop is disgusting.
But I'm doing this because the American Cancer Society has now changed its recommendation that instead of age 50, people should have their first colonoscopies at age 45.
I'll be 45 in September, and I'd rather get this shit (literal and figurative) done now before school begins.
Plus, I think age-related hormones are making my bowel habits change, and I just want to ensure it is hormones and not anything more serious.
Like I need more reasons to hate perimenopause.
Plus, plus, the gal I subbed for regularly buried her 49-year-old husband in May. His cancer started in his colon and spread to his lungs and liver.
Another friend of mine is dating a guy who is 50 and has been diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer.
Because I'll be hangry and moody, I've told D to just drop me off and come back for me.
I'm liable to say embarrassing things to nurses and doctors because, although I'm generally an easy-going individual, when you make me fast AND make me poop AND then want to jam a tube in my rear-end, I'm not a nice person.
All things related to poop are a dignity-suck, as far as I'm concerned.
I'm making them put a note in my chart that I will go ballistic if the doctor even thinks about sending me home with photos of my colon (which is what he handed me a year ago when D had his colonoscopy).
Who the f*ck wants a picture of their colon?
But I really, really hate poop.
I always attribute it to my OCD--it is definitely one of my triggers.
I'm an equal opportunity poop-hater.
I hate my poop, and I hate your poop.
When the kids were in diapers, I could handle changing them and cleaning up poop UNLESS it was poop in the bath.
Oh my god--call hazmat.
Nothing set me off like that.
My hands would bleed from the bleach and the cleaning I did of the bathroom after that.
If I have to plunge the toilet and a sprinkle of toilet water gets on my sock, I have to change the sock because I will be able to feel that place on the sock for the entire day, even when it is dry.
My dislike of poop has a long history.
My dad had ulcerative colitis for over 20 years.
He started with it in his forties and eventually had his colon removed in his sixties.
(He has been much happier since then. I wouldn't have waited nearly as long to take that step.)
The house we lived in when I was a kid had one bathroom, which means that whether we liked it or not, we all were very much aware of my dad's condition.
You couldn't take a bath or a shower without him needing to use the toilet.
I spent years of my young adult life worrying that I would develop ulcerative colitis.
What I did have was irritable bowel syndrome, which was its own kind of literal pain in the butt.
Once I went on Lexapro, the IBS went away.
Fast forward to now.
I'm soon to have my first colonoscopy, and I am pissed about it.
You would think that someone would have discovered a better, less invasive, less time-consuming way to check the colon.
I'm pissed because I hate medical procedures in general.
I'm pissed because I hate not being able to eat for an entire day and a half.
I'm pissed because it is bad enough having to poop as part of life, but taking concoctions to make yourself poop is disgusting.
But I'm doing this because the American Cancer Society has now changed its recommendation that instead of age 50, people should have their first colonoscopies at age 45.
I'll be 45 in September, and I'd rather get this shit (literal and figurative) done now before school begins.
Plus, I think age-related hormones are making my bowel habits change, and I just want to ensure it is hormones and not anything more serious.
Like I need more reasons to hate perimenopause.
Plus, plus, the gal I subbed for regularly buried her 49-year-old husband in May. His cancer started in his colon and spread to his lungs and liver.
Another friend of mine is dating a guy who is 50 and has been diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer.
Because I'll be hangry and moody, I've told D to just drop me off and come back for me.
I'm liable to say embarrassing things to nurses and doctors because, although I'm generally an easy-going individual, when you make me fast AND make me poop AND then want to jam a tube in my rear-end, I'm not a nice person.
All things related to poop are a dignity-suck, as far as I'm concerned.
I'm making them put a note in my chart that I will go ballistic if the doctor even thinks about sending me home with photos of my colon (which is what he handed me a year ago when D had his colonoscopy).
Who the f*ck wants a picture of their colon?
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