Sunday, September 8, 2013

The quickening of time (the night before I send my youngest off to preschool)

This isn't what I expected.
I didn't think that the night before I send M off to preschool I would be in bed, weepy tears welling in my eyes, feeling everything except relieved to have some time all to myself.

I didn't expect to feel the harshness of time being sucked out from under my feet, pulling me away from this moment, all of these moments.

I didn't expect to hold all three of my children in my lap tonight and know that I have forgotten the babies they were. Know that I will forget much of the children they are at this moment.

I don't like the pull of my life toward the unknown and old age and my children slipping away from me.

Fleeting time is making me unsteady.

I have done a poor job of savoring, of holding tight to the sweet moments.
I am telling myself this is simply because I am human.
It is impossible to hold it all in the cup of my hand and appreciate it fully.
But I'm so sorry for not trying harder.

This is the natural progression.
This is as it should be.
This hurts tremendously.

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