Monday, January 11, 2016

My loves.....(blecccchhhhhhh)...and my theory of unintentional adoration

Despite reports to the contrary, I love my children.

I tell my children I love them every day, sometimes multiple times a day.

But I also tell my children that they are being turds, jerks, annoying, aggravating, uncooperative and pains in the butt.  Depending on how they are behaving, they might hear these statements multiple times a day, too.

On Friday, when I picked G up from school for his occupational therapy, his teacher walked him to the office, and he had his homework journal in his hands.  My first thought was, "Did he not do his homework, and she is walking him to the office to speak to me?"  My second thought was, "I'm gonna kill him."

In fact, he was simply bringing his journal home but hadn't put it in his book bag and, due to the heightened security, his teacher had walked him to the office.

My first instinct with my children is, "What have they done wrong?"

They have never given me any reason to think I should meet situations in this way, but it reminds me a lot of how my parents behaved with me.  I didn't give my parents any reason to meet situations this way either (at least until high school, and even then, it wasn't in terms of authority figures or school work....I just liked boys too much).

I sometimes post things about my kids on Facebook, and it is generally of the "weird-ass stuff my kids said" variety.  I often post things about being a mother to my children, which is of the "this is hard and definitely not what I signed up for" variety.  Sometimes I think the general perception might be that I don't like my children or this motherhood gig.  Sometimes that perception is correct.

It is not in my personality to refer to my children as "my loves" or say that "I love my kids to the moon and back."  Such statements sound far too adoring to me and to use them, even if I say them in my own head, like I just did, kinda makes me gag a bit.

Sometimes I wonder how the language one uses on social media is picked up by kids.  I suspect it is.....because the language one uses on Facebook is how a person thinks, even if they only put up the "good and/or fake" parts of their lives.

I sometimes feel rather guilty because I am sarcastic, because I don't lavish praise on my kids.  I worry that my kids might feel like they can't be good enough in my eyes or that I have such high expectations they will never live up to them.

But as I consider on it more,  I think I would rather err on this side than on the side of my kids thinking I adore them.   Being under the influence of unintentional adoration would have to be just as heavy as whatever sarcastic weight I throw my kids under as a result of my own personality quirks.  

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