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Sunday, December 16, 2012

The fine line between conscientious and obsessed

Way back in 2004, I developed a ductal yeast infection (and then mastitis) while nursing N, which led me on a path to panic attacks, insomnia, loss of appetite, crying jags, and general depression.  It was the proverbial straw since I was probably well on my way to experiencing those things anyway.  With the infections, I began battling an invisible enemy, and no amount of cleaning and bleaching and re-cleaning made me feel any better.

Fast forward eight plus years, and I feel like I'm in 2004 all over again.

In the span of 6 weeks I've had an infected cuticle that required multiple Epsom-salt soaks per day for weeks and a round of Augmentin, as well as an abscess in my armpit that is MRSA-positive.

I am looking at every little blemish on my children and worrying that it is MRSA.  I've bleached every door handle, every faucet knob, every countertop.  I've washed towels and pillowcases.  I've developed a new, highly sanitary razor routine in the bathroom to (hopefully) keep this from ever happening again.

My meds are a life-saver, but I am still having to talk myself down on an almost constant basis, telling myself that I can only do so much when it comes to being clean and cautious, that I will never eradicate every bug, that given my general good health and doing what my doctor said I'm probably not going to die because of this.

Being conscientious, taking care to disinfect and keep one's house and self clean, is a positive thing.  But in a mind like mine, it can (could and has) become something much more sinister.

Kinda like those germs.  

1 comment:

Bethany Haid said...

Sounds painful! Tell more about razor routine- I am probably slacking.