Sometimes when I think I am doing so well with my anxiety and my OCD something happens that makes me recognize my brain has duped me. I am a sucka! Not only have I not taken 3 steps forward as I had imagined or hallucinated, I have actually fallen backwards by at least 4 steps and possibly landed in a pile of dog crap.
I exaggerate (a little).
Tonight N and I were playing with her dolls, and I noticed that Pinky Lee wasn't in the living room. Pinky Lee is her first baby doll and her favorite. Pinky Lee goes with us just about everywhere...music class, shopping, playdates. Not much happens around our house that Pinky Lee doesn't experience firsthand herself.
So I started looking for her in all the obvious places. I looked in N's room. No Pinky. I looked in the basement. No Pinky. A little panic started to set in. I kept asking N, "Do you remember where we put Pinky Lee?" N was totally into her Strawberry Shortcake dolls so was completely ignoring me.
My OCD started kicking in high gear. Although N was oblivious to my search at the moment, I knew that sometime, maybe tonight before bed, maybe tomorrow before leaving the house, but sometime and probably soon, N would ask for Pinky Lee. I have got to find this doll. I checked the car. I checked the laundry room. I checked N's bathtub.
I was checking places where not only could Pinky Lee not fit, but there was no way N could have moved the 40 foot ladder off the garage wall to put her there.
I kept telling myself to LET IT GO. It's just a doll. She is a Little Mommy doll, so we can get a new one at Toys R Us. No big deal. But to my head it was a HUGE deal, and I kept searching, searching, searching. Being obsessive.
And worse than being obsessive about finding Pinky Lee was fretting over whether I've regressed psychologically because I can't just let it go. My brain was stuck in a cycle of I can't find Pinky Lee. Are my meds starting to not work? I can't find Pinky Lee! Why am I obsessing so much? I can't find Pinky Lee!! I can't make myself stop thinking of Pinky Lee!
A few phone calls later, and I discovered that unbeknownst to us, Pinky Lee had spent the weekend at NaNa and Pa's house. I nearly fell off my chair with joy. N, on the other hand, didn't care in the least. She was obsessing about getting hold of my pen for some scribbling time.
Sheeeesh. That wore me out. I know other people have got to do crap like that, but I guess given my history and experiences I'm afraid it means I haven't come as far as I like to think I have. Pinky Lee is wearing a fucking leash from now on.
2 comments:
You are going to be a BEAR when you get old. This type of obsessiveness is just like my grandmothers. They get something in their heads, and they CANNOT think of anything else. Example: Grandma wants blue shoes. Every 5 minutes she call my mother to tell her she wants blue shoes. Wish her a happy birthday. She tells you she wants blue shoes. Take her out to lunch. Talks about the shoes. Arghhhh...okay! Let's go get the GD shoes!!!
If you're like this in your 30s, just think what poor N is going to have to put up with when you are in your 80s!
And know that I can only joke because I am also obsessive...although in a different way (I threw out a sippy cup because I cannot find the matching lid. Other lids fit on it, but since the MATCHING lid is missing, I can't bear to use it anymore.) (Another example: My son still uses sippy's because I can't handle the spilling. He'll be the only highschooler with sippies in his paper bag lunch!)
Dude, that was a really long comment. Good thing no one else ever comments, or this page would fill up.
;)
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