Snow week, school being called off anticipation, cat poop, drudgery

I'm not sure where this post is gonna go, so hang on for the ride.

Let me begin by saying I know that there are many people out there who would be glad to only have the problem of being cooped up in their houses.  A girl I went to grade school with had emergency surgery yesterday for a brain aneurysm.  A former colleagues' boyfriend has terminal cancer.  I have been thinking about these people constantly, every time I think to myself, "I don't know how much longer I can stand this."  They are standing much worse.  If my thoughts of them are prayers, then they are being overloaded at present with wishes for their peace, their health.  

Let me follow by saying that I do like and love my children.  I do like and love my husband.  But inherent in my personhood is the need to be away from them.  I suspect that if I had been in my house with Jesus for this many days I would be sick of him.  It's not my kids or my husband or Jesus.  It is me.  This is who I am, for better or worse.  In order for me to function at my best, I need more structure than what I am currently getting.  

(I also don't think Jesus would ask for snacks constantly or complain about the food I give him, which tends to make me grouchy at my sons.)

Despite the frigid temperature and snow, I need an allergy shot.  For the past two days I have been dealing with vertigo.  Bedtime has been shortly after 9 pm both Friday and Saturday nights, which is fine because there is nothing else for me to do.  I am waiting for my next book club book to be delivered, which may never happen because the newspaper and mail haven't come in days.  My city has, more or less, shut the heck down.  

My sons are driving me insane.  They are loud.  They are annoying.  They are LOUD.  During the best of times, when normalcy reigns, I have a hard time being with them for extended periods of time. 

The aged cat in the basement keeps defecating everywhere, but he still eats and walks and isn't completely on death's doorstep, and I just can't euthanize him if he isn't there.  But my sons just a half-hour ago stepped in a pile of cat poop and then ran up not one but 2 flights of steps with cat poop smeared on their slippers, thereby tracking it all through my house.  

And based on the rain yesterday and the cold temperatures I'm afraid tomorrow doesn't look good for the resumption of school.  

I tell myself that these aren't "real" problems.  I have shelter, I have food, I (more or less) have my health, I have money in the bank.  I have many blessings, many good things in my life.  

But I have my brain, its anxieties, its tendency towards easily slipping into depression/despair, its struggle to rise above temporary uncertainty.  

For me, this is a ring of hell.  My brain doesn't turn off.  It doesn't "rest."  It doesn't "relax."  It keeps churning with the same relentless fury it always does, and I cannot keep my life running alongside it at the moment because of factors beyond my control.  

Everyone has their own particular struggles.  This is mine.  Being snow- and icebound makes it much harder to bear.  

The sounds of a snow week (4th of 5 days)

I'm ready to get up. 
(5:30 am.  Repeat every day)

Will you play video games with me?  
(Um, wait until I'm done with this.)

What is there to eat? 
(You forgot the word LEFT.  What is there LEFT to eat....because all you've done for the past 4 days is eat every 30 minutes cause you are bored, bored, bored.)

Can I have a snack?
(The one you ate 3 minutes ago has already digested?)

Will you play video games with me?
(Do I have to?)

Want to hear all my American Girl dolls' birthdays?
(Not really but go ahead)

Is it lunch time yet?
(Seriously, are you a Hobbit?  How much food can you eat in one day?)

Today's all burnt toast, running late and dad jokes, Has anybody seen my left shoe....
(AGAIN?  This show is on again.  I.hate.Netflix.)

Can you make hot chocolate?
(I can, but I don't want to. Again.)

Can I have a treat?
(You are gonna weigh 300 lbs by the time you go back to school.)

Want to hear all my American Girl dolls' full names?
(Are they different from yesterday?)

What's for supper?
(I have no idea.)

Will you play a video game with me?
(Sigh.  Ok.....for 2 minutes and one that doesn't make me feel pukey.)

Can we stay up late?
(Are you kidding?)

Do we have school tomorrow?
(Sniff.............no.)

Snow day for a kid with sensory issues (and a mom with a mood disorder)

Today is a snow day, and though I would prefer my two oldest kids be in school, I was ok.  Not particularly out of sorts.

The boys played video games in the morning, and N was happy watching old episodes of The Wizards of Waverly Place on Netflix.  I went through some school papers to recycle and used the Dremel tool to cut holes in some dried gourds with the intention of having the kids paint them and make them bird feeders.

In a lull, the kids decided they wanted to go outside to play in the snow, which led to the ordeal, from which I am still trying to recover a few hours after the fact.  Parents of kids with sensory processing problems know about the ordeal of winter dressing.

N and M just put on their ski pants, their coats, mittens and boots and head outside.
G is an altogether different matter that involves at least two episodes of tears for him and a surge in my blood pressure that lasts for hours.

I got his snow pants on with minimal squirming because I reminded him that I would pull his inner pants' legs down.  He wanted to wear the liner of his jacket, so I put that on him and then put the coat on top of it.  He became upset because he wanted the liner attached to the jacket; the liner zipper was touching his face and bothering him.  Now this could have easily been done without him disrobing, but the zipper set him off so much that he had to take both off.  Crying ensued, so he had to calm down.

When I got them on again (with the liner attached to the jacket), he then began complaining about his sleeves, so I pulled his shirt sleeves down inside his liner and jacket.

He complained about the boots next because they hurt the inside of his foot, which I had tried to prevent by putting him in high calf socks.

And then it was mitten time.  Even though he is 7 years old, I cannot buy G gloves because getting his fingers inside the slots is just a sensory nightmare.  He still has problems even getting his thumbs into their slots in the mittens.  And then there is the dilemma of fitting the gloves underneath the coat ends so he doesn't get snow down inside his globes.  The coat ends have to be snapped just.so or he gets upset.

After who knows how long doing this, he and I headed outside.  The kids played, and I shoveled the drive.  In the 15-20 minutes that I shoveled the drive G came to me no less than 5 times to complain about his gloves, his boots coming undone, his gloves coming off again, snow in his hood (because he refused to wear a hat because it bothers him), and a knot being tied in the rope of the sled (which he couldn't stand either).

Basically, one minor thing sets him off which is followed by everything setting him off for a good long time.

I know he can't help it.  I totally empathize because I have my own clothing sensory issues.  But I'm never in a good place when my "routine" is interrupted (by a snow day or sickness or anything), and having to attempt to appease and settle a child who is freaking out about how a texture feels is unsettling because sometimes there is nothing I can do to make it not feel weird.

In my effort to decompress, I did find this, which made me feel better.

His worst and my worst (needing routine and not being able to get out of a bad mood once one has settled upon me) coincide on days like this to make it feel much longer than what it actually is.