My daughter bought herself this book a few weeks ago.
When we got in the car to come home, she flipped through the text, reading me the names of the women in it. She then said, "I'll put you here."
This is what she showed me:
This made me feel a lot of things:
honored that my teenage daughter thinks so highly of me (because that is NOT how I thought of my own mother when I was that age.)
and
terrified because I think I am the last person on the planet someone should honor as a feminist.
I often worry if I have been a good role model to N of what a woman can be.
I imagine my own mother wondered the same thing.
For my mom, she didn't have a professional career. She worked, but she didn't love it. She wasn't a teacher or lawyer or chemist. From her own childhood, she knew if she had children, she would be at home with them. If she couldn't do that, she wouldn't have children. She went back to work part-time at my grade school after my brother started school but retired when she developed breast cancer at age 58.
My mother influenced me because she wanted me to have the choice of staying home if that was what I wanted. She wanted me to have options if at all possible, but she also made me very aware of limitations. I knew she was not going to raise my children, so I would either have to do it myself or put my trust in other people who were not family. I knew, long before I ever wanted children, that I could not easily do this.
Most of the time, I beat myself up because I am not what I consider a true professional. I am only a half-time anything. A half-time writer. A half-time teacher.
I do not give any one thing 100% of myself because I desire the flexibility of being available for my children if and when they need me. I have always been willing to sacrifice if needed to make that happen. I am fortunate that D has a good job, but when the kids were younger, if his job situation had changed, I would have moved into a smaller home and been a one-car family to make it work. (I would likely go back to teaching full-time if this would happen now since the kids are older, although if we were in dire straits, I'd still move and go to one-car.)
(I am very much aware that many women don't have that option, especially single moms. By the same token, I also think that some of the things we think we can't live without are more wants than needs. I feel like I need to write that so someone doesn't think I'm completely living in an upper middle-class bubble. I am, but I'm also very cognizant of that.)
I suppose, in some ways, what I am showing my daughter is that a woman can sometimes carve out a niche for herself that works for her. She can take graduate classes and be certified and teach part-time and write part-time and volunteer and read books and go to book club and have a mind that is engaged and growing.
This past week I worked at the magazine office to interview various women from different professions (marketing, image consultants, politicians, etc.) After speaking with them, it became very apparent to me how much of a woman being what she wants involves her knowing herself, being true to herself, knowing what she can and cannot live with or without.
For some women, they know that staying at home is not for them. I used to not understand this. Doesn't every woman want to be with their children every day?
Some women don't. They are okay with allowing others to care for their children (of course, wanting that care to be loving and responsible and responsive).
They know what they can live with.
For each woman, that is different.
While I certainly don't consider myself a feminist saint, I think I have shown my daughter that I am a blend of a "traditional" stay-at-home mom and a nontraditional "have a little bit of a lot of the things you like and are good at" mom.
When we got in the car to come home, she flipped through the text, reading me the names of the women in it. She then said, "I'll put you here."
This is what she showed me:
This made me feel a lot of things:
honored that my teenage daughter thinks so highly of me (because that is NOT how I thought of my own mother when I was that age.)
and
terrified because I think I am the last person on the planet someone should honor as a feminist.
I often worry if I have been a good role model to N of what a woman can be.
I imagine my own mother wondered the same thing.
For my mom, she didn't have a professional career. She worked, but she didn't love it. She wasn't a teacher or lawyer or chemist. From her own childhood, she knew if she had children, she would be at home with them. If she couldn't do that, she wouldn't have children. She went back to work part-time at my grade school after my brother started school but retired when she developed breast cancer at age 58.
My mother influenced me because she wanted me to have the choice of staying home if that was what I wanted. She wanted me to have options if at all possible, but she also made me very aware of limitations. I knew she was not going to raise my children, so I would either have to do it myself or put my trust in other people who were not family. I knew, long before I ever wanted children, that I could not easily do this.
Most of the time, I beat myself up because I am not what I consider a true professional. I am only a half-time anything. A half-time writer. A half-time teacher.
I do not give any one thing 100% of myself because I desire the flexibility of being available for my children if and when they need me. I have always been willing to sacrifice if needed to make that happen. I am fortunate that D has a good job, but when the kids were younger, if his job situation had changed, I would have moved into a smaller home and been a one-car family to make it work. (I would likely go back to teaching full-time if this would happen now since the kids are older, although if we were in dire straits, I'd still move and go to one-car.)
(I am very much aware that many women don't have that option, especially single moms. By the same token, I also think that some of the things we think we can't live without are more wants than needs. I feel like I need to write that so someone doesn't think I'm completely living in an upper middle-class bubble. I am, but I'm also very cognizant of that.)
I suppose, in some ways, what I am showing my daughter is that a woman can sometimes carve out a niche for herself that works for her. She can take graduate classes and be certified and teach part-time and write part-time and volunteer and read books and go to book club and have a mind that is engaged and growing.
This past week I worked at the magazine office to interview various women from different professions (marketing, image consultants, politicians, etc.) After speaking with them, it became very apparent to me how much of a woman being what she wants involves her knowing herself, being true to herself, knowing what she can and cannot live with or without.
For some women, they know that staying at home is not for them. I used to not understand this. Doesn't every woman want to be with their children every day?
Some women don't. They are okay with allowing others to care for their children (of course, wanting that care to be loving and responsible and responsive).
They know what they can live with.
For each woman, that is different.
While I certainly don't consider myself a feminist saint, I think I have shown my daughter that I am a blend of a "traditional" stay-at-home mom and a nontraditional "have a little bit of a lot of the things you like and are good at" mom.
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