Thursday, July 23, 2015

I didn't miss you, Panic

For my adolescent psychology grad class, I'm doing an examination of the research on anxiety, focusing a lot on the brain structures involved, cognition and memory.  It has been really fascinating.

I immersed myself in GAD and OCD a decade ago when I was diagnosed, but this study is a nice reminder of how sucky these disorders are.

Since yesterday, I have also been experiencing pretty much nonstop panic all day.  That feeling of wearing a very tight life jacket while my heart beats erratically. My mind spinning into all the catastrophes my amygdala can generate, while my rational mind tries desperately to

N hurt her ankle a bit at Tuesday night's field hockey auspicious beginning...and my amygdala has been rattling off things like, "She won't be able to play all season. You've spent this money on equipment, and she'll keep getting hurt, and then she'll suffer a head injury and be a vegetable for the rest of her life."  My prefrontal cortex is saying things like, "She is young, and it was her first time wearing cleats.  Some ibuprofen and ice, and she'll be fine."  Amygdala says, "SHUT UP!  NOT TRUE!  CATASTROPHE IMMINENT!"

I have been trying to get reimbursement from the doctor in FL who treated D's back spasm in June.  They need to refund us $142.  My amygdala says, "You'll never get this money back.  They cheated you.  Don't ever go on vacation anywhere because insurance is awful and what if someone is seriously injured and has to be hospitalized.  It will devastate your finances."  Prefrontal says, "This amount of money is not going to break you.  It would be nice to be reimbursed, but it is a drop in the bucket.  Calm down.  Write a complaint letter to Humana."  Amygdala says, "SHUT UP!  NOT TRUE!  CATASTROPHE IMMINENT!"

If panic is not enough fun, I purchased new curtains for the living room and office and am spinning all the guilt that ensues when I make what my brain considers "frivolous" purchases (read:  things that give me a little pleasure).  Just writing this small paragraph made the life jacket tighten around my chest.

It is a perfect storm of monthly hormones, not getting enough exercise, grad class, a magazine article to write, planning for my fall classes, uniform shopping to get done, field hockey stuff, Girl Scout planning to do, and being emotionally exhausted from being with my children all the time.

 All I can do is ride it out.  

No comments: