Monday, February 4, 2013


A friend of mine said that it seems like it's not the BIG ordeals in life that depress a person but the small, every day minor things that pile up and become overwhelming.

Such is my life right now.

Life has been a series of infections/minor illnesses that, alone, would be no big deal, but they have come at me in rapid succession.  The painful cuticle infection in Oct/Nov, the armpit MRSA abscess in Dec, strep throat at the start of Jan, an upper respiratory virus now.

The continuous interrupted sleep by the boys, primarily G, has almost worn me to a nub. I've now decided to utilize his obsession with Disney Universe on the Xbox to try to get him to not wake me constantly.  Even if that works for him and he cuts back his night-time mommy need, I still have M who wakes me occasionally.  Whenever I complain about the past 5 years of crappy sleep, N will remind me that I got to sleep when D and I went away in November for our anniversary, as if 2 nights will make up for the past 1,825 nights.

Illness and lack of decent sleep, coupled with my burnout with stay-at-home motherhood for these 9 years and the general chaos that is being with G and M, is making my antidepressant feel less than effective.  My mood most mornings is terrible until around 8:30-9:00 when D and N are out of the house and the boys settle down or when G has been dropped off at preschool and I only have 1 other person besides me to wrangle/manage/talk to.

And then there was Gonzo's death last week which dealt me a harder blow than what I would have expected.  Finding him dead, wrapping him in blankets and carrying his rigid body to the car, delivering him to the pet crematorium...these thoughts have been in the forefront of my mind upon waking every morning.

The cold, the snow, the gray skies doesn't help.

When I am not feeling sad, I simply feel angry.  Angry at the constant demands on me.  Angry at the lack of acknowledgment for what I do.  Angry at myself for doing too much when often it is my attempt to have something for me (like exercising).

The coupling of sadness and anger is not a good sign.  It reminds me of when I got bad, really bad in 2004.  When I felt overwhelmed and tired, like everything was falling on my shoulders.

And I so don't want to go back there again. 

1 comment:

Shelby said...

I'm so sorry Carrie. I don't have any magic words that will make it all seem better, however, I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I too feel overwhelmed by the little things. This morning when doing school with the girls I totally lost my cool and screamed at Annie when she was being thick headed about her math lesson. It was certainly not my proudest moment. I imagine I will spend the remainder of the day beating myself up about it. I can just hope that tomorrow is a better day.

I have noticed that I am somewhat like this every year at this time. I would guess I suffer a bit from being cooped up inside with cloudy skies and cold temps. I almost always feel better when we get warm sunny days that allow me to get out of the house with the kids. So, for now I am just waiting until spring. :)