Thursday, August 16, 2012

The longest "job" I've ever had

It occurred to me yesterday that being a stay-at-home mom is the longest job I've ever had.  After college, I was an editor at an online publishing company for 5 years, then a 6th grade Language Arts teacher for 4.  In February 2013, I will have been staying at home as long as my first two "careers" combined.

I feel that I'm burnt out, but my burn out is mostly with summer....the endless fucking summer.  I suspect that once school begins and the season begins to change and I have a routine back, I will snap out of this funk.

Still, I know that I don't have the energy, motivation or patience that I did when I first began this "job" 8.5 years ago.  Although I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I lack the enthusiasm I felt when I was a mom of only 1 child, I think in some ways the kids are better for it.  I don't think I did N any favors by being completely obsessed with her and "in.her.face." constantly.  There's something to be said for children understanding that their parents have their own personal needs and interests outside of the kids.

Despite this burnout, I don't want to work outside the home....not for another few years and probably not on a full-time basis until the kids are in college.  I don't think my mental state, my stress level, my patience, would be any better if I spent all day away from my kids, in the classroom working with other kids, and then coming home to my kids, attempting to meet all their needs and then managing the teaching-related stuff I'd have after hours.

And financially, it simply doesn't make sense for me to pay for childcare just so I can go make minimum wage at Old Navy and know that I am away from my children so that I can fold clothes, which I will then have to do at home later on, after my shift is over.

Over the past 2-3 weeks, I had had at least 3 dreams in which I'm fretting over what job I will get because in the dream I've just been let go from another job.

Clearly, I've got a lot stirring under my cap.  

1 comment:

Swistle said...

Me too---and my previous record is...2 years.

I'm fretting about what I'll do next, but I don't know WHY, since there is no way it makes sense for me to work for...QUITE AWHILE...considering how often a parent (ME) would have had to take a day off of work last winter alone. (I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO FIRED.)