How I became an introvert

I haven't always been an introvert.

Or

I have always been an introvert but my anxiety made me need to go and do and talk so that I didn't have to deal with the fury that was my moods and fears and the depression that hovered nearby. 

I don't know which of these is the correct answer. 

What I do know is that my becoming what most people consider an introvert (who gets tired from being around other people or having to talk to other people for too long) happened slowly and over a long period of time.

I married an introvert and had to learn how to occupy myself and be ok with my own company. Sometimes when I don't feel like talking, I wonder if he thinks "What happened to her?" And to this I want to say, "Being married to you happened to me."  

However, I don't say this in a blaming way. I have always been attracted to introverts. My oldest friend from high school is an introvert, as is D. 

I clearly remember being intrigued by quiet people and what seemed to me their ability to just be in space and time. I felt frenetic (which is why I suspect untreated anxiety was part of it). I sucked at being quiet for a long time. 

And to be perfectly frank, I do talk easily to others. I'm not shy at all and will literally talk about anything. There are very few topics I won't talk about with other people, and the deeper the conversation, the better. So I think people sometimes confuse "having no filter" with being introverted, but there is a difference. 

Anyway, back to causes...

I became a mom and was with my children full-time for years and years, and that made me appreciate alone time in ways I hadn't before. Being a parent who works full-time outside the home is a challenge, but there are certain benefits that a full-time working inside the home parent doesn't get (like quiet car rides or lunches with adults or being able to pee at work alone). 

When I was teaching, it took a lot of my energy. During planning and after school, I did not want to sit around and chit-chat; I had stuff to do and wanted quiet in which to do it. 

It has recently occurred to me that my work for the past 11 years has involved me talking to people A LOT. Generally, I think of my freelancing as writing, and it obviously is, but what precedes that is a whole lot of communication. 

And now I do podcasting, which is more talking and listening. After 75-90 minutes of recording, I am ready to put myself in a dark room and be alone for at least a couple hours. 

The downside of becoming more introverted as I've gotten older means I'm less concerned about how I appear to other people. It means instead of making polite excuses, I will just say something like, "Ya'll have worn me out. I gotta go."