Yesterday at the high school, they did a suicide prevention seminar. Students had to complete a sheet of paper in which they marked whether they felt suicidal and felt the need for help, either today or immediately.
I was helping to collect these sheets and sort through them so that students could be seen by counselors.
It made me think about my own suicidal thoughts.
I am not actively suicidal (by which I mean making plans), but suicidal thoughts are what I would consider "normal for me."
I am, at this moment, and since this afternoon, having suicidal thoughts.
This is normal, even though it is not "normal."
What is not normal, for me, is when people say they don't understand suicidal thoughts or have never had them.
I do not understand how this is even possible.
How strange to live a Pollyanna life.
My go-to when I feel overwhelmed is to think about death, about not being alive.
I don't intend to think about death or want to think about death, but that is where my head goes.
What brought on these thoughts is that G is being put on a new medication, but this is for ADHD and will be in addition to his OCD medication.
On the one hand, this came completely out of the blue.
His doctor said she had noticed symptoms last time but wasn't sure.
However, she felt like it was very obvious and concerning this time during this visit, and she wants to get ahead of it instead of letting it go and worsen.
And yet, this is not out of the blue because when G was 6, and he went through a complete evaluation, I was told he had symptoms that seemed ADHD, but weren't strong or clear. I was told to not be surprised if he was diagnosed with ADHD in the years to come.
Well....color me surprised.
And obviously forgetful.
So this was the cut #1001
that follows the cut Wednesday, finding out that I have to have a crown replaced but my insurance won't pay for it because the craptastic dentist I had before didn't do it right two years ago (and they only pay for a new crown every 5 years).
that follows the cut from needing to pay the 2K tuition for this grad class.
that follows the cut of M needing another ear surgery in November.
that follows the cut of taking the grad class and all the extra stress it involves.
that follows the cut of Dad having a leaky heart valve and maybe needing surgery to repair?
that follows all the other daily little stressful cuts.
I felt weepy and all out of sorts (which I still sorta feel)
so I went up to G and asked him for a hug.
I told him I felt sad and asked what he was watching.
And this is what he was watching in his room.
The kid I worry about all the damn time watches inspirational videos of kids with all sorts of issues that feel far heavier and worrisome than OCD or ADHD.
Kids who have brain surgeries and can't communicate at all verbally and have super short life expectancies.
It got my head screwed on a little straighter than it was.
It reminded me that mental health is unseen but still a huge struggle that is different from physical disabilities but a struggle nonetheless.
It reminded me that he (and I) have value even in the midst of our issues.
This is normal, even though it is not "normal."
What is not normal, for me, is when people say they don't understand suicidal thoughts or have never had them.
I do not understand how this is even possible.
How strange to live a Pollyanna life.
My go-to when I feel overwhelmed is to think about death, about not being alive.
I don't intend to think about death or want to think about death, but that is where my head goes.
What brought on these thoughts is that G is being put on a new medication, but this is for ADHD and will be in addition to his OCD medication.
On the one hand, this came completely out of the blue.
His doctor said she had noticed symptoms last time but wasn't sure.
However, she felt like it was very obvious and concerning this time during this visit, and she wants to get ahead of it instead of letting it go and worsen.
And yet, this is not out of the blue because when G was 6, and he went through a complete evaluation, I was told he had symptoms that seemed ADHD, but weren't strong or clear. I was told to not be surprised if he was diagnosed with ADHD in the years to come.
Well....color me surprised.
And obviously forgetful.
So this was the cut #1001
that follows the cut Wednesday, finding out that I have to have a crown replaced but my insurance won't pay for it because the craptastic dentist I had before didn't do it right two years ago (and they only pay for a new crown every 5 years).
that follows the cut from needing to pay the 2K tuition for this grad class.
that follows the cut of M needing another ear surgery in November.
that follows the cut of taking the grad class and all the extra stress it involves.
that follows the cut of Dad having a leaky heart valve and maybe needing surgery to repair?
that follows all the other daily little stressful cuts.
I felt weepy and all out of sorts (which I still sorta feel)
so I went up to G and asked him for a hug.
I told him I felt sad and asked what he was watching.
And this is what he was watching in his room.
The kid I worry about all the damn time watches inspirational videos of kids with all sorts of issues that feel far heavier and worrisome than OCD or ADHD.
Kids who have brain surgeries and can't communicate at all verbally and have super short life expectancies.
It got my head screwed on a little straighter than it was.
It reminded me that mental health is unseen but still a huge struggle that is different from physical disabilities but a struggle nonetheless.
It reminded me that he (and I) have value even in the midst of our issues.
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