The response to my dress code letter to the counselor

I sent my dress code email on Friday.
I heard back yesterday morning from the counselor.
Tomorrow is graduation, so if you are counting that left me two days (during which I subbed) to purchase whatever remedy I need.

Fortunately, even though I sent the email, I know very well that rules are rules.
I didn't really expect the powers that be would allow little ole me to have an exception.
Mostly my email was to tell them that I dislike their inconsistency: two inches or fingertip length. Pick one and run with it, baby.

I'm not done writing letters, though.

A friend commented on my post about dress extenders, something I had never heard of.
But now we own one.
It cost $44.
I probably could have gotten another dress for cheaper, but I am nothing if not stubborn, and my daughter is gonna wear.that.blasted.dress even if she has to have a dress extender under it.

The counselor's letter was what I expected to receive:

Dear Ms. V--
Thanks for reaching out. We have had many discussions in our administration team about the dress code.
Our dress code states that dress and skirt length must be no more than two inches above the knee. This is what has been sent in each communication about promotion since March.

While I expected this, I also think it came across completely tone deaf.

I would have said something like, "I totally understand how difficult it is to find dresses that girls like and meet the dress code, and we've discussed the code many times as an administrative team, but we can't allow exceptions. If we do it for one, we have to do it for all."

Had it said something on the order of THAT, my dander would not be as up as it still is. As it now stands, I'm taking my damn tape measure tomorrow, and you better believe if I see a girl with a short dress on that is higher than 2 inches above the knee, I'm asking the counselor why SHE got to participate without changing anything.

I pulled out the original dress code sheet that was sent home at the beginning of the year, and it does say under Uniform Slacks/Skirts/Shorts/Skorts, that skirts/shorts/skorts must be no more than 2 inches from the top of the knee.

However, my daughter wore shorts both yesterday and Friday that were WAY ABOVE 2 inches above the top of the knee, and nothing was said. The teachers measured by the fingertip rule. The dance dress==fingertip rule.

My problem is both the rule and the lack of consistency in the rule.
Unlike adherence to the dress code at the school, I don't think those are gonna change.

"Appropriate" dress, dress codes, and what really matters

I am not anti-dress code, but I also don't like people telling me what to do or how to think or what to believe.

I've got a libertarian streak in me that I generally keep under the radar.

As much as I want to adhere to rules and be a good little citizen, I also firmly believe that some rules have unintended consequences that teach lessons far worse than whatever the rule was supposed to teach.

After my "dress codes suck" post yesterday, a friend remarked that her son had worn camouflage pants to school, in a pattern that was so subtle my friend hadn't even noticed there was a camo pattern. He had to wait in the office until his mom could come to school and was told he could not make up whatever he'd missed during that time in the office. But he COULD go home from school "sick" and make up what he had missed.

So in upholding the dress code, the administrators inadvertently provided an incentive for the parent and child to lie in order to make up the missed work. Smart thinking administrators and way to send a message.

(By the way, I don't blame my friend for pulling him out "sick" at all. The student should have been allowed to go back to class until his mom was able to come, especially since his butt, nipples, abs, shoulders, or whatever other body parts are taboo weren't showing.)

Another friend posted about how her daughter had been allowed to stay at school until an hour before the end of the school day, and then one teacher "dress-coded" her. One.hour.before.school.ended. Every other teacher either didn't notice what she wore or didn't think it was a problem until 6th period Stan.

This is why dress codes are frequently obnoxious. The stickler and the laid-back teachers and administrators are at odds. I would be a terrible person to work in a dress-code-stringent school because my feeling is that the MOST important thing is that a kid is in my class learning. I don't care if they have a spaghetti strap or a camo pattern or if they are wearing a belt provided their pants stay up without one.

Be working hard, be learning. Otherwise, I don't care.

Today, I took my children to church, and I wore shorts, as did my children. All of our butts were covered.

I spent my entire childhood 1. being made to go to church when I didn't want to go and 2. having to wear clothes to church that my parents deemed appropriate. Jeans were NOT appropriate. I could wear shorts only one day of the year, which was the day of the church picnic. That was also the only day each year when I enjoyed going to church.

Suffice it to say, I have a long personal history of wanting to say "eff you" to the rules established by authority as they concern my clothing.

(What is MOST maddening is that now my PARENTS WEAR JEANS TO CHURCH because my mother thinks it is stupid to get dressed up for an hour to come home and change back into the clothes she just had on an hour ago. This suggests I have always had the "f*ck this sh*t" attitude of an 80-year-old woman.)

Here is what my son wore to church today:

There are all kinds of things "wrong" with him, in terms of dress codes. He has long hair. He doesn't match. He is wearing shorts. He wore flip-flops. Some would say he is COMPLETELY disrespectful to the church and to God.

I wish he would cut his hair shorter, and I wish he would dress a little nicer, but I also don't think hair or clothing, especially if butt, nipples, abdominals are covered and there are no cuss words on his clothing, are worth fighting over.

During prayer concerns today, this kid raised his hand to ask the congregation to pray for a little first-grade boy at his school who has a form of brain cancer and will likely not survive a year.

This little "non-dress-code appropriate" kid was being more Jesus-like than perhaps a lot of the people there who were dressed "appropriately." He was thinking about someone suffering, someone who needs prayers, and he had the gumption to raise his hand and speak in front of everyone.

The lesson I take from this, that I believe with every fiber of my being, is that clothes don't matter. My kid, dress code-wise, is a disaster, but as a decent human being, he is doing a pretty freaking great job.

Also, for all intents and purposes, Jesus wore flip-flops. 

Dress codes for girls can kiss my ass

Here is what it is like to be a girl.

Select a dress for a dance. It has to be finger-tip length (meaning when you hold your arms down, it has to be as long as your fingertips on your leg or longer). Said dress meets this qualification.

Since your mother is cheap, and this dress costs more than she'd like, she says you have to wear the dress to both the dance AND your graduation. Mother is striving to not raise an entitled child.

Even the Duchess of Cambridge wears her stuff twice.

Wear the dress to your middle school dance. No administrator or teacher says anything about it being too short or too tight.

After buying this dress, you get notice that the graduation dress requirement is 2 inches above the knee. You don't pay any attention to this because it is March.

There is snow on the ground. Who the hell is thinking about May?

Fast-forward to May. You get another reminder that dresses have to be 2 inches above the knee. Girls start panicking. Is my dress ok? Is my dress too short? Will they let me walk if I show up in whatever I've already spent money on and WORE ALREADY TO A BLANGED SCHOOL DANCE AT WHICH NO ONE SAID ANYTHING???

Anxiety is so pervasive it jumps to mother. Mother emails counselor explaining that this dress was bought in February, and we aren't the Kardashians and don't buy a new outfit for every occasion. Also, seeking clarification on how to successfully SHORTEN DAUGHTER'S LEGS????

Two inches above the knee means entirely different things depending on whose legs you are talking about. And is it 2 inches from the top, middle, or bottom of the knee area?

Review the dress code that also includes.....
No prom dresses.
No jeans.
No backless.
No thin straps.
A sweater over bare shoulders.

Daughter goes shopping with friends while waiting to hear back from counselor as to the acceptability of dress. Plan is to purchase a top to go with an already-owned black skirt in case counselor insists on this insanity.

Mom and daughter have conversations like this via text:

Daughter: Would this work or is it too low cut?

Mom: That's cute. Heck, I don't know what is acceptable. I think the cut is fine. Are the shoulders ok?

Daughter: (Sends this picture. Apparently, we measure things at the school with 2 inches and 3 fingers.)

This is the kind of shit that girls do. Measure their legs. Measure their dresses and shorts. Measure the width of their tops. Make sure their bodies aren't too bare, too sexy, too whatever it is that bothers society so much.

To her mother, she looks like a 14-year-old in a peach-colored age-appropriate dress that is among ALL THE OTHER DRESSES IN THE STORES.

As my neighbor said, "1926 called. They want their dress code back."

ISO: A burqa to wear to this graduation to protest just how ridiculous these dress codes are to the entire half of the 8th-grade population known as FEMALES.

Yapping, anxious white people

Two weeks ago, when I subbed, a black male student said something interesting that I have not been able to stop thinking about.

It was during morning announcements when the white male principal was talking about the upcoming state assessments. He repeated himself at least twice about the students showing what they know, working hard, etc.

The student, who was standing near me, said, "Why does he keep talking?"
When I asked him what he meant, he said, "He just keeps talking nonstop."
The student then mentioned his social studies teacher who talks nonstop.

I have been in this social studies teacher's classroom with this student, and the teacher does talk forever. He lectures the class, gives them work that is entirely too hard for them, and refuses to take suggestions from the ECE teachers who have tried to get him to modify the work so that students can be successful. He is never prepared for class, which gives students entirely too much time to start talking, which he then lectures them about.

It is painful for me to be in the class, so I can't imagine how much it sucks to be a student in there day after day.

Perhaps it was the blend of hearing this student's words and reading Homegoing by Ya'a Gyasi, which is about colonialism in Ghana and slavery, that made me realize for the very first time:

Brown-skinned people are probably very sick of listening to white people yapping at them in the same way that, as a woman, I get tired of groups of men yapping at me about what I should do or think and making legislative decisions for me that they cannot possibly understand in an "I've been there" kind of way.

The recent Starbucks and Colorado State University situations, and now Yale University situation in which a black student had the police called on her for sleeping, makes me ashamed to be white. It has made me more aware of what thoughts go through my head whenever I am with brown-skinned people.

One of the things I think about is that I don't have to think about my skin color, usually ever. I don't have to think about how others will perceive me when I walk into a store or a restaurant.

Another thing I think about is whether I think someone is a threat just because they are brown-skinned.

A couple months ago, D and I were taking a walk in our neighborhood. We saw a black man with a package walking along with a confused look on his face. I asked him if I could help him, not because he was black, but because he looked lost. He was trying to deliver a package, so I told him where those neighbors lived. The entire time this was going on, inside my head, I was asking myself, "Did you ask him if he needed help mostly because he looked confused or mostly because he is black?"

I feel like as a white person, I second guess my intentions because of the other white people who see a brown-skinned person and automatically feel threatened (for reasons I can't fully understand).

The recent slate of 911 calls by white people makes me think of the old lady busybodies in neighborhoods, who stare out their windows and know what their neighbors are doing at all times. On the one hand, it is good to be aware, but individuals (regardless of their color) also have the right to be left.the.hell.alone.

I feel like I'm fairly aware of my own prejudices (although I also recognize that I probably have some that I'm not aware of).

I know for a fact that I make a concerted effort to help black students when I sub, and maybe this, in itself, is prejudiced. I do not do this because I think black students are dumber than white students. I do it because I feel strongly that they are ignored more often than white students. If I can do something to remedy this, in whatever minuscule measure I can, I do it. Plus, I feel like if I am helpful and compassionate in whatever capacity I can be, it helps them see that not every white person feels threatened or overreacts or paints all brown-skinned people with large strokes.

Last summer, our neighbors had a happy hour, and one of our black neighbors came (I think this was the first time ever.) He was sitting with everyone, but I felt that no one was making an effort to engage him directly or pull him into the conversation (it felt a little cliquey), so I did.

From my perspective, I wanted to include him, but I wonder sometimes whether that was perceived as me gushing over him (although I don't think I really give off that gusher vibe), which I know white people do sometimes with brown-skinned people in an effort to make them feel welcome, which usually results in them feeling weird and even more "outside" the circle than they might have felt.

It is very possible to know brown-skinned people, have brown-skinned friends or colleagues, and still have feelings of prejudice, even if you aren't aware of those feelings. I have a hard time understanding how anyone can say things like, "I didn't own slaves, so I think we've moved beyond that."

Blame it on reading books, but I very much see how the impacts of travesties linger for generations upon generations. Even if slavery ended in 1865, Jim Crow laws didn't. Brown versus Board of Ed was 1954, and the Civil Rights Act was in 1964. Those are not quite two, possibly three, generations in the past.

Due to the current political climate and the propaganda about how dangerous the US is (despite what the facts are), white people feel scared like every brown-skinned person is a threat waiting to happen.

I had to laugh when the woman who called the police on the Native American kids at Colorado State said something like she could tell they were lying when she asked them what they were going to study. My first thought was, "YOU ARE A STRANGER TO THEM SO WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO STUDY IN COLLEGE?"

Maybe those boys reacted strangely to her because they didn't feel like it was any of her business to question them? Maybe they could tell that she felt uncomfortable and was feeling them out which made them feel uncomfortable? Did she ever think that there are differences in how people communicate whether it is due to personality or culture? I don't necessarily speak to my 10-year-old the way I speak to an adult colleague, and teenagers don't speak to their friends the same way they do their teachers, so why would this woman think everyone speaks the same way she does?

There are an awful lot of white people living in a bubble of whiteness that is dangerous to brown-skinned people. Unfortunately, these bubbles also hurt the white folks because they miss out on a whole lot of understanding and relationships.

Why public school doesn't work sometimes and what can be done about it

I subbed yesterday and spent the much of the time thinking about why the school district "doesn't work and needs to be taken over by the state."

Let me be perfectly clear: The district can and should change things. If you think I love everything the district does, all of its teachers, and every policy it has implemented, you haven't read my blog (nor are you my husband who gets to hear 99% of my diatribes).

There are definite disadvantages to having a district as large as this one is; unfortunately, because our city is so segregated, I'm afraid that attempting to break the district into more manageable "chunks " is liable to have consequences that many people do not want.

Anyway, back to yesterday.

I noticed a number of things that help explain why some kids do not achieve in public schools. All of these things happened right before, during, or right after first-period class---so give-or-take 70 minutes.

1. One student left her glasses at her dad's house.
2. At least 4 students in math class did not have pencils.
3. The pencil sharpener in math class is a POS, which means students could not quickly sharpen their pencils.
4. One student slept during class. I tried to wake him repeatedly. He said he didn't feel well (likely due to allergies based on his symptoms).
5. One student, who I gave a pencil to in math class, walked across the hall to social studies and needed another pencil. What happened to the pencil from math class, you ask? I asked her that myself. I have no freaking clue, nor did she.

There were 3 adults (all certified teachers in this classroom). Although I am a substitute, unlike some substitutes who don't know what they are doing, I actively help in the classroom; I've worked with these kids often enough that they know me, seemingly respect me, and allow me to help them.

Let's assume that the state takes over the district. What can the state do to remedy these situations above that negatively impact student achievement?

1. One student left her glasses at her dad's house.
Options:

• Call parent to retrieve glasses. 
• If the parent can't or won't retrieve glasses, the state drives the child to her home. (Yes, I'm thinking 1984, too.)
• If the child doesn't have a key to get into the home, break windows and get glasses. (Here we are verging into Maze Runner territory.)
• The child spends the day with no glasses. 

2. At least 4 students in math class did not have pencils.
Options:

• Have a fresh box of pre-sharpened pencils available in every math class. Pencils must be pre-sharpened because of item #3 on the list. 
• At the cost of $3.89 per box per 180 days of school, this comes to $700 a year per 1 math class. If this one teacher has 5 math classes per day, that comes to $3500 per year.  If one school has 3 teachers teaching 5 math classes per day, the cost per year for one school is $10,500. Our district has 150 schools, so the cost per year is $1,575,000.  

3. The pencil sharpener in math class is a POS, which means students could not quickly sharpen their pencils.
Options:

• Purchase pencil sharpener for $13.18 for this one math class. 
• Purchase boxes of unsharpened pencils since at least four students didn't have pencils at all. (I'm too tired from doing the aforementioned math to do the math for a box of unsharpened pencils per math class). 
• Remind students repeatedly to sharpen pencils.
• If they refuse to sharpen pencils, sharpen them for the students. 
• Delay the start of class instruction because of pencil sharpening, either because the teacher is sharpening or because the students are dorking around while sharpening and causing a distraction. (Even the most well-behaved kids on the planet cannot stand in a line and sharpen pencils without dorking around.)

4. One student slept during class. I tried to wake him repeatedly. He said he didn't feel well (likely due to allergies based on his symptoms).
Options:

• Call child's parent to wake him up. 
• If a parent doesn't respond, forcibly make the child sit up and stay awake. Force might involve smacking child, dumping water on his head, or using a taser. 
• Take child to the doctor for allergy treatment. 
• Continue taking child once a week for allergy injections. (Cost of this: astronomical, which I can prove because I do it with two kids.)

5. One student, whom I gave a pencil to in math class, walked across the hall to social studies and needed another pencil. What happened to the pencil from math class, you ask? I asked her that myself. I have no freaking clue, nor did she.
Options:

• See # 1 but repeat for 6 class periods every day in middle and high schools. 

One of my questions for anyone who thinks a state takeover or charter schools are magic bullets:

What do we do with the students who do not care?

Some of them don't care because they don't care. 

(Have you ever tried to make a child do something that he or she doesn't want to do? How did that work for you?) 

Some of them don't care because their lives are 100% about survival (Will I have a home when I get out of school? Will my home be the same home I had when I left for school this morning or will we have gotten evicted? Will I get dinner tonight?)

Another question: What do we do with the parents who do not care?

Some of them don't care because their lives are train wrecks.

Some of them do care but don't have the ability to do any better than what they are doing. They may be financially strapped or inadequately educated themselves. 

Some of them, whose children are disruptors, cannot handle their kids any better than the teachers can. 

Other questions:

Are we going to reinstitute workhouses of Charles Dickens' time for the children who refuse to do their school work? Do we let them run the streets? Do we put them in prison until they mature and (hopefully) see the value of education? 

Will we make their parents go to workhouses or prison for not making their children do the work? We can legally penalize them for truancy, but can we legally penalize them for their children sitting and doing ABSOLUTELY nothing in the classroom or causing distractions in the classroom? Is this a road we want to go down?

During planning period yesterday, I helped some of the teachers prepare Extended School Service (ESS) materials. ESS happens after school two days a week and some Saturdays to help kids who are failing in school.

One child, in particular, is failing every.single.class during every.single.grading.period. He has attended 5 out of 30 ESS sessions and none of the Saturday schools. He failed a grade last year so he is already at least 1 year behind.

I don't know his whole story, but what can the state do for this child that his teachers, his principals, and his counselors have not tried doing???
For all I know, this kid's family is ready to kill him because he won't do anything.
Does anyone think a charter school is going to magically save this child?
Is the state taking over the district going to suddenly make this kid do work?

Regardless of whether the state takes over or the district continues as it is or the district makes vast changes or charter schools happen, the following is what I feel pretty darn certain about.

• Some students are never, ever going to perform well on achievement tests. Not because they don't care and not because they don't try and not because they don't have great support systems. Not everyone has the same brain capability, but that doesn't mean they are stupid or know nothing or are FAILING somehow. How is it that a large percentage of parents (myself included) can think a school is great even if our kids aren't distinguished or proficient? Maybe it is because it is simply common sense that a danged once-a-year test is not the be-all and end-all of ANYTHING. 
• Some students don't care about school and cannot be motivated to perform. We either punish them, let them fail, or find new and different ways to motivate them that may not look like school.  
• Some parents are never going to make the best choices for themselves or their kids. We either do it for them, or we accept that they have the freedom to make messes of their lives and also acknowledge that as a society, we have to deal with it as best we can.