Saturday, September 10, 2016

Possible karma is not lost on me

On Thursday, at 9 pm, our sewer backed up.

D and I had the sewer district people out and a plumber out and were up until 1:30 am waiting for the issue to be resolved.  I was back up at 6 am yesterday which, blessedly, did not include 7 hours of substitute teaching.  It was the first day of the cottage school, so it was mostly explaining the things we'll be studying this year, talking about independent studies, and doing a fun Shakespearean insults writing activity.

Prior to all this going down, I asked my neighbor at the 6:30 pm Open House at the boys' elementary school if I was the official "most-hated" person in the PTA because of my comments at the meeting (and my subsequent blog post, which some of them read via Facebook).

I am not without a soul, and it can be difficult for me to balance my need to get things off my chest and write on this blog with also being the type of decent human being I really strive to be.  It is for this reason that I don't write people's names or obviously identify people (the lady in the blue dress who sat 2 places down from me) who may be the focus of my frustration (ok, except for my kids).

I know I have angered people who have read my blog in the past, but I also suspect that their anger at me is, at least sometimes, because I said something they know to be true about the situation.  I find that my greatest fury is when someone says something that I know is true, but I don't like hearing the truth.  It is like the anger you feel when you are really angry at yourself, which can be far worse than your anger at other people.

And I accept the fact that I may get a reputation as being the "annoying bitch of the PTA," but I know that that reputation is done in the name of keeping meetings short and telling people when they are being cliquey and alienating other non-PTA parents.  I value the PTA because I know that without a strong volunteer network of parents, a school and its students suffer tremendously.

But even in accepting and recognizing and sorta feeling bad but also not being willing to apologize for what I said in the meeting and what I wrote on this blog, I look at the sewage backup as being a nice reminder that karma comes in all kinds of ways.  Or maybe it is completely random.  I don't think when a similar sewage backup happened 9.5 years ago when I was suffering morning sickness with G that karma was lambasting me.  I think we've mostly just got some shitty pipes leading out of our house.

I think one of the reasons people like me is because I am honest.  I say what I think, but I also try to be kind as I do it.  I say what other people would like to say but feel awkward doing so.  I say when I fail or when I think I've screwed now, even though I also can't say I'm sorry for saying what I said or doing what I did.

That isn't an easy place to feel badly for hurting people's feelings but are also not sorry for saying what needed to be said.

In writing this, I thought to myself, "Am I honest like Donald Trump is honest?" although I use the "honesty" term with the lightest of hands when it comes to him.

For all that people may say they like Donald Trump for his honesty, they wouldn't like his honesty if it was directed AT THEM.  They only like his honesty when it is directed at OTHERS.  And Donald Trump doesn't appear to be naturally self-reflective about what he has said.  If he apologizes, it is because one of his handlers has told him he must be.

Honesty, with oneself and others, can be a very complex, messy thing.  

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