Thursday, March 31, 2016

Got hired. Now what the F-word do I do???

I am officially hired as a sub in the district.

As is my way, I now feel frozen with terror.

What in g*d's name was I thinking?  
Why did I want to do this?  
How am I going to make this work?  
What if......

Oh lawd, the "What ifs" are coming at me, whacking me in the forehead at every turn.

What if none of the nearby schools hire me, and I have to shlep across town all the time?  
What if I work at a middle school and have an unruly student?
What if I hate it?
What if the staff at the schools hates me?

I am trying to remember all the goofy "What ifs" I had when I began at the cottage school after 9 years of not being in a classroom at all.  I worried that the students would all be smarter than me.  I worried that my directors wouldn't be happy with my abilities.  I worried how it would impact my life.

And it was all fine.  My students are bright but not smarter than me (yeah for maturity and wisdom).  My directors are happy with me.  I adjusted my life, and it is a good fit.

In my obsessive worry over this new adventure, I am trying to accept that it will be a good thing that I'm being forced out of my comfort zone, which is intensive preparation.  My need to be highly prepared is one of the reasons I knew I couldn't hack (then or now) going back full-time to the classroom.  I could not devote all the time I felt necessary to teaching, to being prepared for the next days and weeks.

Subbing is going to force me to sometimes....maybe hopefully not as much as I fear....have to just do things without much preparation.  Like the night before or the morning of.  I will have to go in without knowing what I'll be doing with students.

I don't like the feeling of any of that.

But I guess it is good to be nudged shoved forcefully out of my comfort zone.  

No comments: