Remembering

It is nice to have a blog because I can click back to see what I was experiencing 6 months ago, or a year ago. It is also not nice because it is undeniable evidence that I don't change much. But who does, really?

I checked back to see how I felt when pregnant with G, because it was at the exact same time in 2007. Still sick, still worried about baby. Nothing has changed.

On the homefront, there isn't much to report.

G is a little sickly, which means he wants to cling to me. Given that I don't want to be touched by anyone with a 111-foot pole, this is a problem. But we got through the day somehow.

My romance with spearmint gum has officially run its course, but I discovered Lemonhead candy today, which was the only thing that got me through the grocery without passing out or yakking all over the floor.

Meat tastes awful to me, but Kroger's loaded potato salad was like a fricking slice of heaven for dinner. Jello and strawberries together in a bowl tastes good too.

Tomorrow we are having the family over for N's 5th birthday celebration. It will be a very low-key affair, especially since I will likely be curled up in the fetal position on the couch. My nice SIL (brother's wife) is making N's cake--a Scooby Doo. I was gonna bake the cake and have her help me decorate it, but when making cupcakes nearly made me puke up an organ, I asked her if she would do the whole shebang. You know you are pregnant when the smell of chocolate cupcakes makes you gag and wretch.

Ooops

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

John Lennon

Damn. So true.
For anyone who still periodically checks into this blog, the news of the day is that I am pregnant. A little over 9 weeks pregnant. Accidentally pregnant.

Here's the story:

December-- Weaned G (he was 14 months old, and I'd had my first postpartum period when he was 13 months old). Dr. took me off progesterone pill and put me on something new. Started new pill December 23.

January-- Didn't have a period, but info pack on pills said sometimes women miss periods on this pill. Figured I'd get my period in February. Ok. No problem. New pill might have some unusual side effects with me.

February-- Took last pill on a Monday. Was bitchin at a MOMS Club meeting about how I was gonna tell my dr. at my March annual pap that I need to go back on my old (pre-children) pill cause I need to have a period every month, otherwise I freak out. Figured my cycle was gonna be all fubar.

Late that afternoon, took the kids to the grocery and got a whiff of something. My stomach lurched and squirmed. I thought, "Ok, my anxiety is getting the best of me. I am gonna buy a pregnancy test so I know I am NOT pregnant!" I have been known to sorta convince myself I'm pregnant even when I'm not. Prior to marriage, D and I used 2 birth control methods, and I was still convinced I was getting pregnant every month. Have I mentioned I have anxiety?

Came home. Took the test. Positive.
Called D. Gave him the option of not coming home.
He came home.
He cried. I cried. By the next day I was feeling pukey and exhausted. 7 weeks.
And we moved on.
I see the dr. for my 1st visit on Monday, March 1st.

I spend 92% of my day sick. Either nauseous or puking. Or sleeping. Or wanting to sleep. I get an 8% window of feeling alright as long as I'm chewing spearmint gum. I have been using this window to do my schoolwork.

I spend 50% of my mental energy thinking, "This is really shitty timing," and the other 50% worrying whether this baby is going to be ok. Because even though it is unplanned, unexpected, it's my baby, and I am as protective of it as I am my other two.

I don't think about how we're gonna sleep the kids. I don't think about buying a mini-van. I don't think about anything except whether I'll hear a heartbeat. When I have my 8% window of feeling alright, I enjoy it but panic a bit because I wonder if it means something is wrong. Feeling like shit is miserable but somehow emotionally soothing.

So there it is. What happened to me while I was making other plans.