Yep. Still mood-disordered

Yesterday marked 2 days in a row that G didn't nap, which is almost always a bad thing and gets me irritated once he hits his wall of crazy at 4:45 p.m.

But as I was picking up N and driving the kids to the bank at 4:15, I was overcome with absolute rage at mostly G but all the kids.  I was grouching at every single thing they said and did, and I just felt utter hatred towards them.  It dawned on me that I was probably overreacting, that while I might become frustrated or aggravated by them, I usually don't have the violent urge to bitch slap them, to stop the car, jump out and walk away from them, stranded along the side of the road.  

It dawned on me that perhaps I should check my calendar to see what week of the month it is.  Upon returning home I did so.  This foulest of moods had an explanation.

Last night G woke me and continued keeping me up from 4 am until 5:30 or so.  The first time he got up he said he wanted to play with his new toys, and then he had a coughing fit, and then he wanted to eat.  He was up for good at 6:00 a.m.

SO, today hasn't been the greatest day for me mood-wise.  (Plus, I am still battling my own upper respiratory funkiness that keeps me clearing my throat and coughing almost constantly.)

As much as I despise my once-a-month moodiness (which isn't even every month; sometimes the month flies by without so much as a mood blip), it reminds me of a couple things,

It reminds me just how horrible mood disorders are because if you are suffering in the thick of one you completely lose perspective of what is real and what is not.  It's like being stuck in a dream in Inception without the kick that pulls you back to who you really are at the core.

Last night and most of today I felt like I couldn't control the deep anger rattling at my cage, the sense that my life is complete shit.  And I know full well that I am very much contented most of the time.  Feeling like you are "this close" to losing that grip on yourself, on your anger, on your ability to control your feelings and thoughts, is scary, even if like me, it's been 7 years since my breakdown and I am on medication and under the care of a psychiatrist.  Once you've been through it once, I think you never lose the fear that you will some day feel that horrible again.

It reminds me that, in this month of giving thanks, I am so, so, so glad I live in a time of medication and therapy and support groups and open communication about mental illness and mood disorders.  I don't like to think what I would be like, especially when it comes to my children, if I wasn't on medication.  My Lexapro helps me keep the beast of anxiety (and extreme menstrual moodiness) at bay.

It reminds me that I am human, and while I don't like the idea of my kids seeing me at my shittiest, they also need to know that even though I am their momma and they feel the right to demand anything they want of me (as all children do of their parents), there are times when it is in their best interest to not be willfully aggravating.  To just do as I ask.

It reminds me that my moods can be upsetting to the kids since I am usually not a raving harpy, and that I need to explain to them that yes, they might be aggravating me but my hormones and brain issues sometimes make it so I'm not as well equipped to handle the aggravations.

At some point this afternoon, I felt as if a switch had been turned off, and I was somewhat back to normal.  Still grossly sleep-deprived (from last night as well as the years of being the only person to get up with the kids), but not a wild bull, not cringing in rage at every little noise my children made, not thinking that every aspect of my life was horrible.

I hope that is the extent of its course this time around.

Pee trained

I broke.  I decided that I was sick to death of spending a gazillion dollars on pull-ups.  G was going into underpants during the day, and if I had to clean up pee on my floor for the rest of time, then so be it.  I bought him some Star Wars underpants to get him going and told him he was in charge---if he had to pee, he should let me know.

On Sunday he peed on the potty for the first time ever.  There was much celebrating in the powder room---hugs and kisses and I might have shrieked, "I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!"  The remainder of Sunday he leaked a few times.
He hasn't leaked since.
He has stayed dry at night (all night) and woken me up during the night to pee.
He is still pooping in his underpants but I can handle this, especially since he (unlike his sister when she was bowel-training) doesn't sit in it, squooshing it into the underwear and making it impossible to get out with an easy flip over the toilet bowl.

Almost a week in, the excitement of seeing pee come out of his penis has waned for me, but not him.  He likes having me as his audience so we can high-five and knuckle-knock and he can ask, "Are you so proud of me?"

In addition to letting him pick out a big pack of Cars 2 underpants, I also bought him a car transporter/carrying case toy as a reward for doing so well and his Mamaw took him shopping today for a "G is Totally Rocking the Potty" gift.

Normally I don't like the idea of buying gifts as rewards for the kids, but I am levitating with excitement at the prospect of having a little extra cash every month.  

My side gig

For about 18 months or so I have been freelance writing for a local family magazine.  What began as an occasional and unpaid activity has become a regular column that gives me a little extra spending money.  I may begin writing for the magazine's recently launched blog.  

The best things about freelancing for this magazine are that I can do 90% of my work from home, at any time of the day, and I write about family life.

Having been out of the full-time workforce for almost 8 years, it has been a little weird to be "professional" again.  I have become so accustomed to behaving as N, G and M's mom that I don't really remember how to behave as Carrie, the employee.  It is a very loose facade I wear, and I am forever fretting that I may lapse into talking about poop or Optimus Prime or Elmo or Justin Bieber or some other conversation that is completely out of line with what regular grownups in regular jobs discuss regularly.  

I have more or less decided that when M begins kindergarten I will begin subbing at the kids' schools as well as for former colleagues and friends who are still in the ranks.  A couple days a week with maybe one long-term subbing job periodically would be ideal.  I would still be able to do things at home and spend time with my mom.  Within the next five years it would make me incredibly happy to go out to lunch with her and not have to hit the exit within 30 minutes before the kids morph into banshees.  

As much as thinking about doing this sometimes feels like a light at the end of what will be an 11-year tunnel of full-time stay-at-home mothering and its associated drudgeries, I also know how much I sometimes really, really enjoy being home with the boys, our little routine of just us, and how much neat stuff I was able to do with N before she began kindergarten.  

For now, the freelancing gig is perfect.  It gives me a little self-esteem boost and intellectual challenge but allows my heart to stay where it needs to be----at home with my kids.  

Halloween 2011 (and the tomfoolery that preceeded it)

Rapunzel, a Viking and a medieval Knight went to a bar.
If I had more imagination I could probably figure out an actual punchline to go along with that, but I don't.

In my neck of the woods, Rapunzel, a Viking and a medieval Knight went trick-or-treating.

But there was much activity leading up to this, such as the decorating of the front porch which took place in early October:

That was followed by a friend's Halloween party where there was much candy-eating and trampoline-jumping.

I made myself a tutu and had extra tulle, so I made one for N.  She decided to be a witch like mama, except she got decked out in a leotard and red hat.

That was followed by pumpkin-carving.

The kids named the pumpkins Scary (G's), Christina Aguiscara (N with help from her Daddy), and Dis (M).  When we asked M what he wanted to name his pumpkin, he pointed to it and said, "Dis?"  So it stuck.

This was followed by N's school party:

This was followed by G's school party:

Ah, the joy that is being given lots and lots of candy!

It is not an understatement to say I am glad October is over.  I need to recover.  

Nov 1 = NaBloPoMo again and a special anniversary

For the past few years I have blogged every day in the month of November, so I'm gonna give it a go another year.

I am also going to give my marriage a go for another year, today marking 14 years of wedded togetherness for me and D.  I assume he is gonna stick around for another 365 as well.  

In the car the other day, N was asking me questions about her daddy and me and our relationship when we met, so I thought I'd post some D and me trivia.

1. D and I met in 1995 at the dental insurance company we both worked at while in college.  Actually we had sorta been eyeing each other for a little while and formally spoke at an after-hours gathering at a local bar.  And by formally spoke, I think D said maybe 2 sentences to me.  If memory serves, I believe I was talking to one of his co-worker's husband a lot (which also might be calling flirting).

2. The first time he called me I was sitting outside reading Pearl S. Buck's The Good Earth.  

3. Our first date was that afternoon.  We took a walk in the park.  When he dropped me off at my car (it was a Sunday), he asked me out for the following Friday.  

4. Our second date was to a play and dinner.  D didn't say much at dinner (anyone see a trend here?).  When we got back to my house, we went for a walk through the neighborhood in the dark....and he started talking.  He said he liked the movie Orlando.  He got bonus points for that.

5. One of our very early dates was when D went sky-diving for the first time and took me along.  I remember wondering how I was supposed to act if his chute didn't open and crashed into the ground.  I figured the television news would interview me and since I wasn't his girlfriend and barely knew him, I wasn't sure what kind of emotion I should convey.  

6. Aside from these early ones, I don't remember too many of our other dates.  We went to see the movies Farinelli and Carrington and others at a small theater that has long since closed down.  And we slept alot since at the time our allergies were untreated so in the spring and fall we were groggy and congested.  Ahh, sweet love.  

7. D proposed on bended knee while we were on a Carnival cruise in May 1996.  

Maybe I'll do more trivia as the week progresses.  I'll be desperate for ideas, I'm sure, doing this daily blogging thing.

More occupied thoughts

This morning, D almost accused me of being a Republican for my comments in my last post about the Occupy Wall Street movement, and I have to admit it did sound a little uncharacteristic of me.  He and I and his mom got into a pretty heated discussion about the economy in fact, which made me think even more thoughts.

* Lord knows I am no historian, but my impression is that the middle class is a product of the late 19th and 20th centuries. My impression is that prior to the Industrial Revolution there was no middle class.  There was the very, very rich and everyone else.  So I wonder if a persistent and consistent middle class structure is sustainable?

* I think one of the things I dislike about the whole Occupy movement is that there isn't a defined "goal" or plan of action.  Some people are against bank bailouts and some people are bringing up the Iraq War and some people are against too high tuition at universities.  And it is hard for me to support a cause if I'm not very sure of what the cause is about.  I am equally against all those things, but a movement against everything sometimes seems like a giant bitch session....which is the jist of what I read among people who definitely don't support the Occupy movement.

* I completely disagree with the Supreme Court's decision to ban corporate spending limits for campaigns.  Corporations are not individuals and should not have the same rights as guaranteed by the Constitution.  They have the potential to become far too financially powerful which means politically powerful.

* I don't like it that government money was spent to bail out the banks that invested in mortgage-backed securities, but I believe that had the government not done this our economy would be in even worse shape than it is now.

* Corporations have the potential to be greedy and unethical and all the other nasty adjectives you can think of, and so I strongly support regulations on them.
BUT
* I also think corporations are not 100% to blame for this mess we're in.  Poor choices, uneducated decisions and a society fueled by bread and circuses (ala The Kardashians) played a role too.  At least 25%.

* Corporations move their manufacturing to countries where they can produce items cheaper, which we like because stuff costs less and when companies profit we make greater returns on our 401(k) investments.  But companies moving their manufacturing to cheaper countries means fewer jobs for our workers---often those who don't have college degrees---which we don't like.  We want cheap-ass stuff but we also want high wages for our workers, and those two things haven't found a way to jive.

* The American Dream of the 1940 and 50s is not the same American Dream of the 21st century.  Families in the 40s and 50s did not have televisions (and satellite television hookup) in every bedroom. plus the family room and basement.  Children shared bedrooms and did not have Jack-n-Jill baths.  Homes did not have central air.   Families that did own a car typically owned 1 car.  The square footage of an average home in 1950 was less than 1000 square feet.

I think the "problem with our economy" is firmly linked with a "cultural problem with our society," and it is far too complex to say that 1% is to blame.  Not that the 1% shouldn't be chastised/penalized/regulated for the greedy things they've done to make money (Bernie Madoffs and likeminded individuals).  But the 99% of us should also look very closely at what we do and what we expect as well.  

Occupy Wall Street occupies my thoughts.

I have a whole lot of thoughts about the Occupy Wall Street movement so I'm just gonna lay 'em out in no particular order.

1. Many, many, many people in the US own mutual funds or are stockholders (mostly through their 401(k)s).  And because those people own stock, they are benefiting from capitalism in the form of dividends and stock splits and 8% return on their investments over time.  Capitalism is an ugly beast at times, but just as the Tea Partiers who yelled for smaller government and in the same breath said "Don't Touch my Social Security" were uninformed, so are many of the Occupiers who bitch about capitalism.

2. Yes, the banks were stupid to give mortgages to any Tom, Dick or Harry who asked for one.  But the Toms, Dicks and Harrys should have considered a little more whether they could actually afford a $300,000.00 home if they were only making $25,000.00 a year.  Banks are always willing to lend someone WAY more money than what they can actually afford.  You buy what you can safely afford.  Period.

3. Despite what we think, we do not need iPhones.  We do not need to spend a zillion dollars a month so we can text our friends to tell them we are sitting at home doing nothing.  We do not need to furnish our homes completely the instant we move in.  We do not need to own 65 pairs of shoes.  These are things we WANT.  And we have decided, as a society, that what what we WANT trumps good common sense.  (And if what you want cannot be paid for in a month's time (when your credit card bill comes due), you DO NOT buy it.)

4. The recession has been a bitch, to be sure.  But unemployment among college-educated people is 4.2%, compared to 9.4% among those with only a high school degree.  And while many of those with just a high school degree are dropping out of the work force completely, many college educated folks are slowly finding jobs.

5. I graduated from college 16 years ago, way before this recession.  The same was true then as is true now---some degrees are interesting but kinda useless.  They in NO WAY guarantee you will get a decent-paying job or a job in your degree field.  As an English major, I can speak from experience.  Those folks I know who majored in history and sociology and psychology are NOT working as historians and sociologists and psychologists.

Thus far it sounds as if I am very anti-Occupy Wall Street, but I am not.  I am not 100% behind it, but I am not 100% behind anything.

I do feel compassion for many, many people out there who are working full-time and still require food stamps or have to use state-sponsored health care programs for their children and themselves because their employer doesn't offer it.  I feel compassion for older workers who need a job and were let go because companies can hire younger workers and pay them less.  I feel compassion for women who unexpectedly became pregnant and had to drop out of college to care for their newborns and work.  I feel compassion for people who had health crises that depleted their savings and are now struggling, working paycheck to paycheck.  I feel compassion for people whose parents never taught them how to be financially sound, to balance a checkbook, to not use credit as a form of "free money."

I don't know when I learned it, but it didn't take an Economics degree for me to understand that nothing in life is free.  If there is any good to come from this recession, it is for people to remember this.