Monday, April 15, 2013

More on SAHM burn-out, jobs and spoilage

Earlier this year, I was offered a job out of the blue and declined to take it.
The idea of being away from M three half-days a week and putting him in a daycare was overwhelming.  Before I even knew how little it would pay me financially to do this with childcare costs included, I felt terrible, terrible guilt.  

Last week, I was told about a 1-day a week position in a school, and once again, my enthusiasm was unabashed until the following morning, when I wondered if I could even handle a 1-day a week job.  Would it be worth it to even examine the possibility, to call the school and tell them I might possibly be interested but only if I can work on a Monday or Tuesday when M is in preschool and only if my mom is willing/able to pick him up and stay with him until I get home?  Am I so desperate to revive myself as an individual that I will pay someone else everything I would make just to have some time doing something of value to the world at-large?

It took me years to realize there is no perfect marriage, and then I had to figure out there is no perfect children or perfect version of mom.  Now I am working on, "There is no perfect working situation once you have children."  Freelance writing comes close, but the pay isn't nearly enough.

Sometimes I think being a SAHM has spoiled me rotten.  I cringe when I have to go to Target on a weekend.  I mean, from where did all those people come????  And in a way it has made me lazy.  The idea of getting dressed up and talking in an adult/professional manner and being somewhere by 7:45 a.m. seems impossible.  I am 9 years out of practice.

And as much as I like the idea of working outside the home just a teensy-weensy bit, I don't know if I can justify all the rigamarole that will happen for as little money as I would make.  

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