Dear N,
We are right on the cusp of your 18th birthday; a little under 24 hours to be exact. This time 18 years ago, I was hoping to have a natural birth. I was also so in need of medication for anxiety that I was pretty certain I would not actually bring home a live baby.
Did I ever tell you the story of how I asked, when your dad and I bought your crib furniture, if I could return the items if the baby....you....died?
Thank your lucky stars I got medicated some 7 months after your birth.
My life changed in so many ways when you were born.
It was the last time I worked full-time.
It was the first time I felt completely unable to cope with the responsibility set before me (you did not come with a manual or a lifetime supply of "chill pills for mom.").
It was the first event that sparked a series of other events that led me to understand I had long had mental health issues.
You, however, were an easy baby, and thank goodness, because I doubt I could have handled anything else.
When I look at you now, I remember conversations I had with Daddy about what you might look like or be like when you "grew up," and now here you are....actually all the fuck grown up. (Sorry for the cussing, but, my god, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?)
I could not be more proud of the young woman you are, and it has nothing to do with your smarts or your grades or your accomplishments.
It has everything to do with your genuine niceness. You are simply a good person. You've never been a "mean" girl. You've not isolated others with snobbery. You've taken the lead on the high road more times than I can count.
You are trustworthy and honest. You are reliable. People know you will do what you say you will do.
When Daddy and I brought you home that first night, a night I remember distinctly because I DID NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO, I could not imagine that I would be typing this 18 years later. I could not imagine that you would be as awesome as you are. I hoped you would be awesome, but I didn't know what you might become.
I don't say it anywhere near often enough, but I am so proud of you. Not for what you've done, but for who you are.
Your birthday always reminds me of firsts and lasts that I experienced around your birth. It was a big transitional period for me, and it took me years to adjust. Fortunately, you're not the worse for it.
Since you didn't get a Sweet 16 due to COVID, and you didn't get a 17th party also due to COVID, I hope you have a fun time this weekend thoroughly enjoying yourself.
You will always, always, always be my most favorite daughter and the first of my three greatest life blessings.
I love you,
Mom
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