Where I am on COVID

Here we are...21 months into the pandemic. 

It occurred to me that life since probably May has been a series of emotional fits and starts. My parents and MIL were vaccinated in winter, so that took an edge off, and then I got vaccinated in February and March due to working for the school district. But still, I was on pins and needles until D, and then N, and then G could get their shots.

And then I was holding out until October when M turned 12 and could be vaccinated. 

In June, I was hopeful that things would return to "normal" and made our vacation plans for December 18; M would be fully vaccinated by that point. 

And then Delta.

And then M got COVID.

And then I worried about my parents and MIL getting boosted.

And then I worried about myself and D getting boosted.

Somewhere in between those worries, Omicron came into the mix, so then I was worried about flying because N hadn't had a chance to be boosted when we left. 

And now, I'm still concerned about skyrocketing rates of COVID and what that could mean for my parents and MIL because they are vulnerable (since it sounds like the vaccines keep you from being hospitalized but not sick from Omicron and older people have to be more careful in general with even "minor" illnesses).

We got back from our trip in the wee hours of December 24. 

I had spent $75 for six rapid at-home tests. We tested N and G a half-hour before Christmas Eve family events, and again on Christmas Day a half-hour before going to my parents. (N got boosted two days ago, so she was more vulnerable then). 

Today, I tested a half-hour before visiting my parents through the school district's drive-through site. 

And then someone I know who works in health care said the company that does the testing for the district doesn't always swab as well as they should (which I know because I've been tested more than several times.)

So here is where I'm at now with COVID and vaccines and testing:

I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN POSSIBLY FUCKING DO. 

I'VE BEEN VACCINATED THREE TIMES. 

MY PARENTS AND HUSBAND AND OLDEST CHILD HAVE BEEN VACCINATED THREE TIMES. 

I BOUGHT THE FUCKING KN95 MASKS FOR THE PLANE AND HAVE BEEN WEARING THEM LOCALLY SINCE WE GOT BACK.

I GET PREEMPTIVELY TESTED HOWEVER THE FUCK I CAN TO TRY TO PROTECT MY PARENTS.

AND I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired of trying to do what is best and thoughtful and most careful when millions of fucking boneheads don't. 

I spent the day with my parents visiting historic cemeteries near where my dad's maternal family had a farm. He wanted to take me and my mom for lunch at a restaurant in this town where he has wanted to go for awhile now. And so we went.

We wore our masks in and kept them on until our food came and the entire time I'm thinking:

THIS IS SO PROFOUNDLY STUPID BECAUSE HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS RESTAURANT WALKED IN WITHOUT MASKS (a lot of them cause I watched 'em)? AND THEN WE TAKE OFF OUR MASKS TO EAT, AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE VIRUS SAYS....

"Wait, I realize you're eating so I won't infect you right this second."

Everything seems pointless or absurd most of the time. Whatever I do or don't do, I second guess whether it is wise or responsible or worth it. 

I know I'm not alone in feeling all these things. I know there are others like me who are so mentally exhausted from all of it. 

And I know I can either continue to do what I've been doing because I'm generally a conscientious person who doesn't do dumbshit stuff or join the fucking boneheads. 

My choices are limited; everyone's choices are limited. I'm tired of doing the best I can and still feeling like I'm not doing enough.