Where I am on COVID

Here we are...21 months into the pandemic. 

It occurred to me that life since probably May has been a series of emotional fits and starts. My parents and MIL were vaccinated in winter, so that took an edge off, and then I got vaccinated in February and March due to working for the school district. But still, I was on pins and needles until D, and then N, and then G could get their shots.

And then I was holding out until October when M turned 12 and could be vaccinated. 

In June, I was hopeful that things would return to "normal" and made our vacation plans for December 18; M would be fully vaccinated by that point. 

And then Delta.

And then M got COVID.

And then I worried about my parents and MIL getting boosted.

And then I worried about myself and D getting boosted.

Somewhere in between those worries, Omicron came into the mix, so then I was worried about flying because N hadn't had a chance to be boosted when we left. 

And now, I'm still concerned about skyrocketing rates of COVID and what that could mean for my parents and MIL because they are vulnerable (since it sounds like the vaccines keep you from being hospitalized but not sick from Omicron and older people have to be more careful in general with even "minor" illnesses).

We got back from our trip in the wee hours of December 24. 

I had spent $75 for six rapid at-home tests. We tested N and G a half-hour before Christmas Eve family events, and again on Christmas Day a half-hour before going to my parents. (N got boosted two days ago, so she was more vulnerable then). 

Today, I tested a half-hour before visiting my parents through the school district's drive-through site. 

And then someone I know who works in health care said the company that does the testing for the district doesn't always swab as well as they should (which I know because I've been tested more than several times.)

So here is where I'm at now with COVID and vaccines and testing:

I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN POSSIBLY FUCKING DO. 

I'VE BEEN VACCINATED THREE TIMES. 

MY PARENTS AND HUSBAND AND OLDEST CHILD HAVE BEEN VACCINATED THREE TIMES. 

I BOUGHT THE FUCKING KN95 MASKS FOR THE PLANE AND HAVE BEEN WEARING THEM LOCALLY SINCE WE GOT BACK.

I GET PREEMPTIVELY TESTED HOWEVER THE FUCK I CAN TO TRY TO PROTECT MY PARENTS.

AND I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired of trying to do what is best and thoughtful and most careful when millions of fucking boneheads don't. 

I spent the day with my parents visiting historic cemeteries near where my dad's maternal family had a farm. He wanted to take me and my mom for lunch at a restaurant in this town where he has wanted to go for awhile now. And so we went.

We wore our masks in and kept them on until our food came and the entire time I'm thinking:

THIS IS SO PROFOUNDLY STUPID BECAUSE HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS RESTAURANT WALKED IN WITHOUT MASKS (a lot of them cause I watched 'em)? AND THEN WE TAKE OFF OUR MASKS TO EAT, AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE VIRUS SAYS....

"Wait, I realize you're eating so I won't infect you right this second."

Everything seems pointless or absurd most of the time. Whatever I do or don't do, I second guess whether it is wise or responsible or worth it. 

I know I'm not alone in feeling all these things. I know there are others like me who are so mentally exhausted from all of it. 

And I know I can either continue to do what I've been doing because I'm generally a conscientious person who doesn't do dumbshit stuff or join the fucking boneheads. 

My choices are limited; everyone's choices are limited. I'm tired of doing the best I can and still feeling like I'm not doing enough. 

I'm feeling really obnoxious about this subbing job, and I don't know why

Most of the time, because of my cottage school job, I am unable to take long-term subbing positions. The only time I am able to do so is between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The school I taught at full-time many, many years ago, however, has allowed me to do some wonky long-term subbing jobs, allowing me to do 3 days a week or 4-days a week for a short period of time. 

I think this is my 4th long-term subbing job; of those four, I have loved one, been okay with another, and disliked two. 

The current one I am disliking, and I don't know why, and I feel like a shit for it. I think this is a situation that is, to borrow the dating breakup adage, not about "them" and more about "me." 

I keep telling myself that the important thing is that I'm 1. showing up and 2. doing the best job I can while I'm there, regardless of how I feel about it. 

This school year, I think that is about the best anyone is going to get from me. 

Teachers are completely overwhelmed, and I say this having been in a classroom for 7 days thus far and having at least two days in which a teacher is out and a sub isn't available and every other teacher is having to pick up the slack (and yes, this involves putting extra kids in classes which is the worst possible thing when there is a pandemic and the goal is to keep kids further apart). 

When I say this, it is not in any way an indictment of the absent teachers. Even without COVID, teachers get sick and need surgery (the reason I'm subbing for someone) and have deaths in the family and have other issues with which they need to deal (like sick kids or needing to provide care to older parents or whatever). In seven days, I've already seen and listened to a teacher cry because she is at the end of her rope. 

This year because of masks (a necessity, in my opinion, if we don't want kids to miss even more school than they've already missed) and just the nonstop stress of variants and testing and every possible plan being spoiled because of COVID, everything feels harder and heavier than it normally would. Long-term stress has immediate but also cumulative effects. 

Even if 90 percent of the kids are great, the 10 percent who are awful (whether because of their personalities or poverty or trauma or lax parents or whatever their situation is) feel even more unwieldy during COVID. I have less tolerance than I've ever had before. Or maybe it is because I'm 48 and just fucking tired. 

I don't have any grand solutions. We probably could fix these problems, but we don't want to spend the money. Because some of these kids need one-on-one care; maybe two-on-one if we're being hopeful. And there are some students who simply might not be fixable. There is a certain amount of damage that cannot be undone. 

Maybe because I'm so tired of the stress of the past 20 months, I'm less willing to be forgiving and empathetic.

On Friday, when we did MAP testing, I noted that 10 percent of the students in that room refused to do the test. One was removed and two slept. 

In the before times, I would be more concerned with the 10 percent and trying to meet their needs. In these times, I'm simply angry that the 90 percent has to put up the with 10 percent who don't care and don't want to do the least bit of anything to make their school experience better. 

It feels too much like the ding-dongs who don't take COVID seriously which is why this thing is lingering on and on. 

And I don't like feeling that way. It is a callousness I don't relish.