Masculinity and femininity

I spent much of my life not matching whatever the hell it is that "feminine" girls should look like. 

In high school, I cut my hair short. I simply look better and feel better with short hair. I don't have the energy or desire to mess with long hair. 

I was (and I guess still am) shaped like a boy. Minimal boobs. Narrow hips. 

Voluptuous I am not. 

I was also never at all good at that old school "Don't call a boy; wait for a boy to make the first move" junk. I have never once told my daughter any of that garbage. It is ridiculous to put all that pressure on boys. 

Who decided that guys had to make the first move? 

I was always perceived as that "weird" kid. Chances are pretty good I am still perceived as that "weird" middle-aged lady now. 

I remember being asked when I was a kid if I was gay by a group of girls at my Catholic school. I don't know how old I was, but I thought the question was stupid. There was this adult volunteer who had these freaky long nails and I'd lose my shit whenever I saw her; I'd run up and hug her and ask to see her nails. 

Apparently, this qualified as homosexual in the late 1980s. 

And these were the "popular" girls who asked me, so I should probably spell it "stoopid" because that's what their comment was.

In 4th grade, the cutest boy in the school, grabbed me from behind while we were sitting on the floor of the classroom cleaning out our desks and said he was raping me. I guess I was kind of cerebral then because I was like, "Uh, dude. This is not rape." 

Do you see why sending my kids to Catholic school did NOT seem like a better option than sending them to public school? Why pay tuition for this kind of garbage?

I dated two gay guys in college. Admittedly, at the time, they were still figuring things out which I didn't know, but many years later, when things were clear for them and me, it made me consider what I find attractive in a guy. I knew I liked guys, but I definitely never liked that macho, tough guy shit. 

I liked the smart, cultured, eccentric guys. I liked the falsetto singer guys. 

Long before I was a teen, I loved Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran who was so secure he could wear cosmetics and rock out on the synthesizer. He was thin and non-muscley. I guess from the time I was 10 years old, I knew what kind of male I liked and it wasn't the machismo guy.

I married a man who is sensitive and quiet and funny. And virile enough to produce three children without trying too hard.

So I don't understand and have never understood why men have to be a certain whatever. 

I have taken this into how I raise my sons. 

They are smelly and farty and genuinely gross. But they are encouraged to be understanding and empathetic and sensitive. They have never been told not to cry. 

I guess I just think it is all absurd, us humans trying to put each other in these stupid boxes of categorization. 

Like what you like.

Don't be a dick to other people. 

Why is this so hard?