The Sixteen Candles birthday letter

Dear N,

This week you turn 16, a birthday that feels monumental to both of us, I think.

I've never been good at projecting what you might be like at a certain age in the future. I remember Daddy asking me this question (What do you think N will be like when she is X years old?) when you were a small girl, and I just couldn't imagine what you might be like.

I lack imagination, but mostly, it simply didn't matter what I thought you might be like or what I wanted you to be like. It didn't take me very long into motherhood to recognize that I am less the sculptor of my children and more the museum curator who finds the best spot for the sculptor's work to be admired or viewed.

My children are both their own sculptors and the sculptures they create.

I like to think you are the kind of girl who has a range of friendships with people, who can move between "groups" of people and be equally comfortable and nice to all.

You are just good-hearted and not the person who looks down on others. However, you definitely have your opinions about things and don't value people who come across as snobby or fake but, unlike your mother and more like your dad, you generally keep those feelings under wraps.

Speaking of that, you are a blend of me and Daddy. You are involved and have a wide range of friendships like me, but you also truly treasure your downtime and don't require other people to be entertained (I'm better about that as an adult, but definitely was not when I was 16).

Recently you wrote your essay for induction into the National Honor Society at your school. Though you initially struggled with what to write, your essay was fantastic and just epitomized who you are:

I thought the John Lennon pun at the end was simply brilliant; your freelance writer momma was super proud of that one!

Enjoy your day, and keep studying for your permit test. You and Daddy are gonna have a blast with driving lessons.

I love you to the upside down and back even when you act like a Demogorgon (which isn't often, but you are a teenager so it happens),

Momma

The meanest, cruelest mother in the world, and I don't care

I am making N pay for her own car insurance.

Someone call CPS.

(I have received a little flack for this, and not just from the soon-to-be 16-year-old.)

I am expecting N to get a part-time job this summer (like 20 hours a week) to help make money to cover car insurance and gas, which leaves her 148 other hours during a week to do whatever. Assuming she sleeps 9 hours per night, that leaves her 85 hours per week to do whatever else she wants to do.

(FYI: I do not currently have 85 hours per week to do whatever I want.)

A summer job will do a number of things for her in addition to helping her pay for her insurance:

1--She will see that working in a job can blow, and there is nothing more motivating than working in a job that sucks to help you never want to be in that position again and make sure you keep your grades up and take education seriously.
2--She will see that even though mom and dad make XYZ gross, there are taxes taken out. Every young person needs to experience the magic of taxes for themselves.

For the past year, I have been having her give me money from her neighborhood pet-sitting business and babysitting to put towards it.
And, the truth is that I will help her a little if she is close but not exactly there.

I'm not the parent who gives her children everything their hearts desire.
They are fed, clothed, housed, and their medical needs are taken care of.
They are expected to go to school, do their school work to the best of their abilities, not be assholes to the general public, and gradually take responsibility for themselves because I don't want to be paying for their shit when they are 30.

I do nice things for my children, like buying N Elton John concert tickets for her birthday, which I think is profoundly generous.
But I don't buy tickets for N to go to Elton John, Forecastle, Bourbon & Beyond, and every other concert that comes to town.

Having my kids be financially responsible in little ways gives them some power and freedom with the goal that they will, one day, have total power over themselves and freedom from me and their dad.

As an adult, I would hate to have my parents paying for stuff because that gives them a voice in what I do.
If my parents offered to pay for my kids' education, that means they get to have an opinion about where I send them to school.
I love my parents, but I want to do what I want and make my own choices.
And I want that for my children.

Expecting them to slowly take responsibility isn't hurting them.
In my opinion, the parents who pay for everything for their children are hobbling them in ways they don't fully realize. 

Why am I doing this? (I have to ask myself about subbing)

There are times when subbing is pretty great, like last week when I subbed at an elementary school for a teacher I know who asked me to "teach her 2nd graders something about writing." (She says writing is not her strong suit.)

So, I did a lesson on adding descriptive details to sentences to make them more interesting. Students were working on fables at the time. We also practiced punctuation for dialogue, and I moved among them answering questions and helping them edit their work.

There are also times when subbing is soul-crushing, like yesterday when I subbed double-periods for a band teacher who left a note that basically said, "The day will be easy. Show a movie."

While this wasn't the hardest subbing day I've ever had, I also may have allowed kids to get on their phones because my main role was to keep kids alive and from fighting. They don't want to watch a G or PG movie, especially not one of the three I offered them and for which they had to vote. They wanted to sit with their feet propped up (and who doesn't), but there weren't enough chairs in some classes for everyone to do this, so I then had to argue with people over that. (Because middle schoolers are all about what is fair.)

I realize the teacher doesn't have desks in the band room, but there are things called clipboards (and I am happy to buy 50 of them for him), so students can have some work to do in groups that is actually about music education. Even a little bit of work keeps kids occupied and the sub has SOMETHING to hold them accountable to.

I said this much to the AP when I left (nicely, of course).

Am I a difficult person?
Perhaps.
Do I deserve being called a "Karen?"
Possibly.
I have been known to not be able to keep my mouth shut when something is just dumb or wrong or not well considered.


But I became a sub because it galled me to see subs in my kids' classes who were sitting on their phones.
So, here I am, ready to be more than that, and I am sometimes hobbled by the teachers. (Which annoys me, and yet I.SO.GET because planning work for a sub is like another whole stinking job.)