I finished the novel This is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel this past week after being sidelined by a stomach bug. It is a book about a family with a transgender child and how they both successfully and unsuccessfully help their child navigate the world.
Prior to finishing the book, I listened to one of my favorite podcasts, Hidden Brain, which had an episode all about gender.
I haven't totally finished it, but it discusses how gender is not all biology or all social environment. What in this life exists in a vacuum? Nature has blurry edges.
Many people don't like blurry edges.
I happen not to be one of them.
Just because a person has XX or XY chromosomes doesn't mean they weren't heavily influenced by estrogen or testosterone in utero (or maybe something else?), which may play a role in how they feel, regardless of what their DNA "says."
Gender identity is not a choice.
Sexual identity is not a choice.
Just like personality is not a choice.
It is what it is, and as anyone knows who has tried to change their personality, it doesn't really work.
You can fight it as much as you want for as long as you want, but there it is.
It occurred to me that anyone who has strayed outside the boundaries in even the smallest ways can understand a bit how a person who is LGBTQ feels.
Let's take hair, for example.
I have worn my hair short since I was in high school.
My hair doesn't grow long so much as it grows fat, and it simply doesn't look good long.
I am also a woman who doesn't want to waste even five seconds of my existence messing with my hair.
When I was a teen, I went to a barber shop for my haircuts, which means they often weren't the most "feminine" cuts.
I can't tell you how many times in my life I was mistaken for a boy or assumed to be a lesbian simply because of my haircut.
I didn't stay in the socially constructed lines of "long hair equals femininity."
G likes his hair long, and he has been mistaken for a girl numerous times. At a young age, he is learning that straying outside the lines has its consequences. Fortunately, he doesn't care.
Some people despise the notion of an "anything goes" society, and I can understand their concern.
Although I consider myself fairly progressive, there are some things about which I feel pretty conservative, pretty traditional.
For instance, I have mixed feelings about giving unmarried pregnant teens baby showers.
I'm sure some of this is residual from how I was brought up.
But then I think back to when a friend of mine in college accidentally got pregnant. A bunch of us had a baby shower for her, and that was the kindest thing to do.
Was it a difficult situation for her to be in? Of course.
Was she scared? I'm sure.
Did she feel embarassed? Probably.
But would shunning her or denying her friendship and kindness have made it any better?
Her baby hadn't "violated societies' dictates" (if you want to call it that), so why shouldn't we be excited about a new life?
Another traditional view I have is that separated individuals shouldn't date until they are officially divorced.
Again, I don't know where this comes from, but it is there.
I don't think it is fear that guides it as much as the concern that people may move from one failed relationship into another without taking the time to figure out what went wrong.
But I have to remind myself that I don't know all the ins- and outs of their marriage.
I don't know if they've been in counseling for the past five years struggling through their marriage.
And how does whatever they do within the confines of their marriage, separation or divorce CONCERN ME IN THE LEAST?
It doesn't.
It is absolutely none of my business.
So if a transgender person uses whatever restroom they decide is appropriate to them, and they don't come into my stall and interfere with what I am doing, what difference does it make to me?
What difference does it make to John Q who has an opinion about "queers invading our bathrooms?"
In the course of subbing, I have seen transgenderded children.
Despite what some may think, these kids do not lord their identity over others.
It's not a drag show moving up and down the hallways.
These kids struggle in ways that I cannot even wrap my head around.
Because they are children, I choose kindness.
Because they are HUMAN, I choose kindness.
I tend to think I am a pretty moral person, and that is more important to me than religiousity.
Within me are progressive ideals and conservative ideals, but sometimes I think I am at heart pretty libertarian.
It's complex.
There are some blurry edges in my beliefs between progressive, conservative and libertarianism.
Just like with gender.
Prior to finishing the book, I listened to one of my favorite podcasts, Hidden Brain, which had an episode all about gender.
I haven't totally finished it, but it discusses how gender is not all biology or all social environment. What in this life exists in a vacuum? Nature has blurry edges.
Many people don't like blurry edges.
I happen not to be one of them.
Just because a person has XX or XY chromosomes doesn't mean they weren't heavily influenced by estrogen or testosterone in utero (or maybe something else?), which may play a role in how they feel, regardless of what their DNA "says."
Gender identity is not a choice.
Sexual identity is not a choice.
Just like personality is not a choice.
It is what it is, and as anyone knows who has tried to change their personality, it doesn't really work.
You can fight it as much as you want for as long as you want, but there it is.
It occurred to me that anyone who has strayed outside the boundaries in even the smallest ways can understand a bit how a person who is LGBTQ feels.
Let's take hair, for example.
I have worn my hair short since I was in high school.
My hair doesn't grow long so much as it grows fat, and it simply doesn't look good long.
I am also a woman who doesn't want to waste even five seconds of my existence messing with my hair.
When I was a teen, I went to a barber shop for my haircuts, which means they often weren't the most "feminine" cuts.
I can't tell you how many times in my life I was mistaken for a boy or assumed to be a lesbian simply because of my haircut.
I didn't stay in the socially constructed lines of "long hair equals femininity."
G likes his hair long, and he has been mistaken for a girl numerous times. At a young age, he is learning that straying outside the lines has its consequences. Fortunately, he doesn't care.
Some people despise the notion of an "anything goes" society, and I can understand their concern.
Although I consider myself fairly progressive, there are some things about which I feel pretty conservative, pretty traditional.
For instance, I have mixed feelings about giving unmarried pregnant teens baby showers.
I'm sure some of this is residual from how I was brought up.
But then I think back to when a friend of mine in college accidentally got pregnant. A bunch of us had a baby shower for her, and that was the kindest thing to do.
Was it a difficult situation for her to be in? Of course.
Was she scared? I'm sure.
Did she feel embarassed? Probably.
But would shunning her or denying her friendship and kindness have made it any better?
Her baby hadn't "violated societies' dictates" (if you want to call it that), so why shouldn't we be excited about a new life?
Another traditional view I have is that separated individuals shouldn't date until they are officially divorced.
Again, I don't know where this comes from, but it is there.
I don't think it is fear that guides it as much as the concern that people may move from one failed relationship into another without taking the time to figure out what went wrong.
But I have to remind myself that I don't know all the ins- and outs of their marriage.
I don't know if they've been in counseling for the past five years struggling through their marriage.
And how does whatever they do within the confines of their marriage, separation or divorce CONCERN ME IN THE LEAST?
It doesn't.
It is absolutely none of my business.
So if a transgender person uses whatever restroom they decide is appropriate to them, and they don't come into my stall and interfere with what I am doing, what difference does it make to me?
What difference does it make to John Q who has an opinion about "queers invading our bathrooms?"
In the course of subbing, I have seen transgenderded children.
Despite what some may think, these kids do not lord their identity over others.
It's not a drag show moving up and down the hallways.
These kids struggle in ways that I cannot even wrap my head around.
Because they are children, I choose kindness.
Because they are HUMAN, I choose kindness.
I tend to think I am a pretty moral person, and that is more important to me than religiousity.
Within me are progressive ideals and conservative ideals, but sometimes I think I am at heart pretty libertarian.
It's complex.
There are some blurry edges in my beliefs between progressive, conservative and libertarianism.
Just like with gender.
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