Monday, February 8, 2016

I didn't know what to title this post

It is 4:53 am.

I would still be sleeping, but the youngest woke me up (as soon as I get the middle to sleep through the night, M starts up this sh*t).

I didn't know what to title this blog post.

As I was lying in bed trying unsuccessfully to go back to sleep, I was running through possibles.  These were some of them:
Cause I'm (un)happy
I want the sesame seed bun, the meaty middle and ALL the toppings
A nebulous nugget of dissatisfaction

It is easy for me to "catch" other people's moods, and D has been dissatisfied at his job, so maybe I've just picked up on his funk.
Or maybe intentionally trying to scale back what I am doing (since I felt so overwhelmed with activity in the fall and December) has backfired, and I am bored.
Maybe I'm worrying about money (with working on taxes and all) and feel like I need to contribute more to the household budget.  Maybe knowing our oldest is 6 years from college is making me panic.
Maybe it is hormonal.
Maybe it is that these windows of empty time between schlepping kids in the car is sucking my soul.
Maybe I want to be more than a taxi-driver and errand-runner.
Maybe it is a little bit of all of the above.

I clearly remember scoring portfolios in the summer to earn extra money when I found out I was pregnant with N alongside a woman who was also newly pregnant and the mother of a toddler.  Talking with her made me realize that the old spiel about "being a teacher with kids is great because you are off when they are off" was bunk until the kids were in full-time school.  I'd never considered having to pay for daycare in the summer to hold your kid's spot even if you opted not to send the kid in the summer because you were off from teaching.

Staying at home was what I wanted to do and what seemed to make the most financial sense.  I willingly gave up years of my professional life, and I don't regret it at all.

Still, it did set a precedent that feels nearly impossible to get out of:  mom handles everything kid-related.  This is one of the downsides of stay-at-home mothering that no one really talks about.  Not that things can't be changed, but it is hard to undo 12 years of something without struggle.   If mom's "job" is to handle the kids, then she handles the kids until they are out of the house forever.  Or at least that is how it feels in my house.

It isn't fair, really, for me to want just a little bit more.... another 1-2 mornings a week of using my skills and love of teaching.  That is having the cake, eating it, and licking every shred of icing from the plate.

I know this.

But it is what I want anyway.

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