When you feel pukey as soon as you drag your ass outta bed, you know it is gonna be a sucky day. I must have a little stomach bug because I spent a little more time than I like in the bathroom and have had virtually no appetite. And I had only enough energy to grab an extra pillow from the hall closet to make myself a little bed on the living room floor. So the malaise of which I wrote last night is still in effect only a little worse.
I wasn't so sick that I didn't notice all the lint on my carpet and crumbs/dirt on my kitchen floor. My purpose in being on the floor was so G could get to me for cuddles or whatever, but I didn't know it was gonna add to my neverending "To Do" list. Dammit.
N got in trouble at school today. Her first time. She and 4 other kids were put in Time Out for running. When her teacher left the room momentarily to get something, N and her friend decided to get up from their seats and hide. Seemed funny until her teacher made N and her friend stay in Time Out for the remainder of playtime as a result of not staying in their seats. Fortunately, her teacher said N was mortified, and she thinks it will not happen again. While a part of me is glad she is not a total obedient robot like I was as a child and has a bit of the mischevious about her, I am also a wee bit disappointed....but just a wee bit. I expect her to act a fool around me but I would prefer she not around her teachers.
G is learning how to dance. He stomps his feet, beats his hands on the couch or whatever piece of furniture is in front of him, and shakes his head back and forth. He'll stop to clap his hands, and then roll back into his little routine. I'm sure I'll read that this dance is a marker for autism, but for the moment I'm just gonna think it is a cute as heck. Seeing him do this while N and I watched cartoons from the floor was the highlight of my day.
Let's hope my GI tract feels better tomorrow because we've got a Halloween party to attend.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Malaise
Most of the time I go chugging along pretty happily. I might have a bad spell of a day, but then it is over. I am now in the midst of a funk, largely because I am having my first period in 22 months. I knew it was coming. I'd been feeling twinges of activity in my abdomen for about a week, so I knew something was in the works. And I had been super freakin' irritable.
Going almost 2 years without a menstrual cycle really spoils a girl. I was just so, so even-keel. Now I remember how it felt to be ages 10-30, LBA (life before antidepressant). I would just have these episodes of blah....like nothing is really wrong, but everything feels not right. I always liked E.M. Forster's reference to a muddle in his novels, and that is how I thought of these times, although they never worked out quite as nicely as they did in A Room With a View and others. They would go away and eventually reappear.
So there it is. My malaise of the moment. Another reason to have a 3rd child. (Oh, and I obsess more when my ovaries are awakened.)
Going almost 2 years without a menstrual cycle really spoils a girl. I was just so, so even-keel. Now I remember how it felt to be ages 10-30, LBA (life before antidepressant). I would just have these episodes of blah....like nothing is really wrong, but everything feels not right. I always liked E.M. Forster's reference to a muddle in his novels, and that is how I thought of these times, although they never worked out quite as nicely as they did in A Room With a View and others. They would go away and eventually reappear.
So there it is. My malaise of the moment. Another reason to have a 3rd child. (Oh, and I obsess more when my ovaries are awakened.)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The semi-polygamous village
I have some crazy ideas at times. Ask D. He thinks my idea to have a 3rd child is by far my nuttiest.
My personal favorite is my dream of revamping society as a whole into a semi-polygamous village. Basically I kinda want to go back to hunter/gatherer days but without all the hunting and gathering. I want to keep my jeans, appliances and car. Sister ain't about to live in a loincloth.
I just don't think the whole 1 working man/1 stay-at-home woman in a house with their kids in a neighborhood of mostly dual-career families is the way to go. I'm sure my dream village would have its faults too if played out in real life, but it is a dream so it can be as nirvana-ish as I imagine.
Here are the problems I see in modern life and how the village would solve them:
My personal favorite is my dream of revamping society as a whole into a semi-polygamous village. Basically I kinda want to go back to hunter/gatherer days but without all the hunting and gathering. I want to keep my jeans, appliances and car. Sister ain't about to live in a loincloth.
I just don't think the whole 1 working man/1 stay-at-home woman in a house with their kids in a neighborhood of mostly dual-career families is the way to go. I'm sure my dream village would have its faults too if played out in real life, but it is a dream so it can be as nirvana-ish as I imagine.
Here are the problems I see in modern life and how the village would solve them:
- Stay-at-home mom in house with kids while stay-at-home mom friends live across the city. Pain in butt and usage of gas to get to them on a daily basis. If in a village, we'd all be close-by, so we could visit quickly in between doing laundry or cooking food and all the older kids could run around the village playing with the wild dogs.
- Pain in butt to find childcare for things like doctor appointments, part-time work, etc. If in village, nearby moms could watch kids and vice versa for such appointments. Older kids would still be chasing wild dogs, so we're only talking babies here. And stay-at-home moms wouldn't have to ask their 70-year-old moms to do it.
- Hmmm, I don't know how to be delicate about this one. The stay-at-home moms I know either want 1. no sex, or 2. sex with someone different who helps with the housework. I like to think in the semi-polygamous village there would be very hygienic single gals to help out with issue #1 for the working husbands. I don't know what the solution is for #2 because I have yet to meet a man who does housework that I'd actually like to..... well, ya know.
- Near the village....within walking distance....is a bookstore, preschool, elementary school, grocery store, library, farmer's market, Target/Wal-Mart, Starbucks, doctor's office, pool, park/playground, zoo and botanical garden, Kazoing or All About Kids, mall and gas station. I can put the kids in a stroller to do my errands...thereby ensuring we all get plenty of outside time and exercise. And save on gas money.
- Within driving distance (no more than 15 minutes' drive, tops) is an IKEA, hair salon, fancy restaurant, nature preserve, hospital, and orchard.
- There is a big community garden right in the middle of the village with a nice compost pile where everyone wheelbarrows their yard waste every couple of weeks.
- Everyone collects rainwater in large drums so nobody has to water the grass in the summer.
- Everyone keeps their yards weeded themselves or hires handsome men to do their yard work (I'm talking Clive Owen or Robert Downey Jr. in IronMan good-looking). Hey--these guys might be able to solve problem #2 from bullet number 3 up there.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I need a backbone
The downside to blogging and having it public (as opposed to only inviting certain people to view my blog) is that I have to digest the comments that may come from people who don't agree with me and feel compelled to tell me so. And even though I like to act all "fuck ya'll" as if I have a cast-iron gut, the truth is that I am antacid-addicted with a queasy GI tract.
For example, my blog about my pet peeves. Those things I mentioned do peeve me off....though not like in a Rush Limbaugh way. I'm not having to take blood pressure medicine or anything. These are slight irritations. But then a couple people commented about my married name peeves, and then I worry: Are they mad at me because I wrote what I wrote? Was I offensive in any way? Will they no longer consider me nice?
So it is this see-saw act I do, where I feel a need to say what I feel, get things off my chest, but then have to contend with any negative or simply contrary views. I know I am a glutton for punishment, but I also must feel a need to toughen up my yellow-bellied self.
Someone please kick me straight up in the ass if I ever decide to act on my secret desire to run for public office.
For example, my blog about my pet peeves. Those things I mentioned do peeve me off....though not like in a Rush Limbaugh way. I'm not having to take blood pressure medicine or anything. These are slight irritations. But then a couple people commented about my married name peeves, and then I worry: Are they mad at me because I wrote what I wrote? Was I offensive in any way? Will they no longer consider me nice?
So it is this see-saw act I do, where I feel a need to say what I feel, get things off my chest, but then have to contend with any negative or simply contrary views. I know I am a glutton for punishment, but I also must feel a need to toughen up my yellow-bellied self.
Someone please kick me straight up in the ass if I ever decide to act on my secret desire to run for public office.
Christmas gift anxiety
I think I am an idiot because I am spending an awful lot of time thinking about what to get N for Christmas. I believe obsessing would be the word for it. Nooooo, Carrie obsess? That's crazy talk.
N is at a hard to buy for age, I think. She is too old for some things, like Dora. And she already has tons of girl stuff like a dollhouse, a Barbie house, baby bed, play kitchen. But she is too young for a lot of artsy/craftsy things which would require tons of mom participation, which I wouldn't mind doing but G makes nearly impossible.
But she also says she wants everything she sees on tv and in magazines/catalogs. She has mentioned a ton of items, some that make sense to me and some that she evidently pulled out of her butt. She asked for a camera. This makes sense since she is always asking if she can use my camera to take pictures. She asked for an American Doll, which makes sense because we get American Doll catalogs in the mail (I don't know how we got on that mailing list, but we are). But then there are things like an Etch-A-Sketch and a Jack-in-the-Box and a Butterfly House (this is the girl that abhors all things that fly smaller than birds).
While I want to start buying and just get it over with, I worry that she will pull another Santa letter like last year. I thought I had gotten her things she wanted, and then when she had me write her letter to Santa, she named 1 thing that I had never heard her mention before. Since it was only 1 thing, I felt like she'd be disappointed if Santa didn't bring it.
I think I need to knock myself in the head with something metal to snap me out of this. My purpose in life is not to get N her heart's deepest 4-year-old desire for Christmas, especially when she changes her mind every 12 minutes about what her heart's deepest desire is.
And last year I bought her waaaayy too much. So this year Santa is bringing 1 gift and stocking stuffers, and Mommy and Daddy will give her one "big" gift and one "small" gift. Or that is the plan anyway. I'm thinking our big gift will be the camera, and the small gift will be a DVD or craft thing. I'm gonna wait until next month to nail her down on the Santa present.
G is easy because he doesn't know, and he doesn't care. So I can buy him bottles of Puffs, and he will be happy. I bought him a second-hand Little Tykes Coupe (for $20), which he has already sat in when I was downstairs in the office closet.
Apparently, I need a life since this is all I have to think about. (Better than stewing over wanting a 3rd child, I guess).
N is at a hard to buy for age, I think. She is too old for some things, like Dora. And she already has tons of girl stuff like a dollhouse, a Barbie house, baby bed, play kitchen. But she is too young for a lot of artsy/craftsy things which would require tons of mom participation, which I wouldn't mind doing but G makes nearly impossible.
But she also says she wants everything she sees on tv and in magazines/catalogs. She has mentioned a ton of items, some that make sense to me and some that she evidently pulled out of her butt. She asked for a camera. This makes sense since she is always asking if she can use my camera to take pictures. She asked for an American Doll, which makes sense because we get American Doll catalogs in the mail (I don't know how we got on that mailing list, but we are). But then there are things like an Etch-A-Sketch and a Jack-in-the-Box and a Butterfly House (this is the girl that abhors all things that fly smaller than birds).
While I want to start buying and just get it over with, I worry that she will pull another Santa letter like last year. I thought I had gotten her things she wanted, and then when she had me write her letter to Santa, she named 1 thing that I had never heard her mention before. Since it was only 1 thing, I felt like she'd be disappointed if Santa didn't bring it.
I think I need to knock myself in the head with something metal to snap me out of this. My purpose in life is not to get N her heart's deepest 4-year-old desire for Christmas, especially when she changes her mind every 12 minutes about what her heart's deepest desire is.
And last year I bought her waaaayy too much. So this year Santa is bringing 1 gift and stocking stuffers, and Mommy and Daddy will give her one "big" gift and one "small" gift. Or that is the plan anyway. I'm thinking our big gift will be the camera, and the small gift will be a DVD or craft thing. I'm gonna wait until next month to nail her down on the Santa present.
G is easy because he doesn't know, and he doesn't care. So I can buy him bottles of Puffs, and he will be happy. I bought him a second-hand Little Tykes Coupe (for $20), which he has already sat in when I was downstairs in the office closet.
Apparently, I need a life since this is all I have to think about. (Better than stewing over wanting a 3rd child, I guess).
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The truth
Here is something I hate to admit, but I know....I KNOW...other mothers have got to feel the same way, at least sometimes.
Right now, I like G more.
Mostly because he can't mouth off like the 4-year-old does.
I know when he is able to do so, I will not like him either.
G is simply at the stage I adore. He thinks everything is funny. He is easily distracted. He likes to give snuggles and kisses and hugs. He is a mass of fat (not gangly arms and legs that poke into my bones and hurt). He doesn't have an attitude or a tone. He is just developing his little personality but still has a babyish look about him. Wonderful stage of development.
I have lots of moments of the day when I like N, but there is always, always at least an hour of the day when I cannot tolerate her because of the attitude or the demands or the whining. God, the whining.
Today we had a mostly good day until about 5:30 when I gave G and N their baths. G loves his baths---splashes, plays, giggles. N hates her bath---cries, whines, fights, screams. And it just wears me the hell out emotionally. So after dealing with this for even 20 minutes, especially so late in the day, I am fed up, which means I have zero patience when she interrupts me talking to D. Or being under my feet when I am trying to get supper on the table.
And I hate it that I get so aggravated with her, but I simply can't help it. There it is, the ugly truth.
Fortunately, we were able to wrap up the evening well, reading books together and me telling her more of The Lord of the Rings (she's gonna be a sci-fi fool by the time D and I get done with her). And thank heavens for these redeeming moments because it is the worst feeling in the world to not like your own kid, even if it's only for an hour.
Right now, I like G more.
Mostly because he can't mouth off like the 4-year-old does.
I know when he is able to do so, I will not like him either.
G is simply at the stage I adore. He thinks everything is funny. He is easily distracted. He likes to give snuggles and kisses and hugs. He is a mass of fat (not gangly arms and legs that poke into my bones and hurt). He doesn't have an attitude or a tone. He is just developing his little personality but still has a babyish look about him. Wonderful stage of development.
I have lots of moments of the day when I like N, but there is always, always at least an hour of the day when I cannot tolerate her because of the attitude or the demands or the whining. God, the whining.
Today we had a mostly good day until about 5:30 when I gave G and N their baths. G loves his baths---splashes, plays, giggles. N hates her bath---cries, whines, fights, screams. And it just wears me the hell out emotionally. So after dealing with this for even 20 minutes, especially so late in the day, I am fed up, which means I have zero patience when she interrupts me talking to D. Or being under my feet when I am trying to get supper on the table.
And I hate it that I get so aggravated with her, but I simply can't help it. There it is, the ugly truth.
Fortunately, we were able to wrap up the evening well, reading books together and me telling her more of The Lord of the Rings (she's gonna be a sci-fi fool by the time D and I get done with her). And thank heavens for these redeeming moments because it is the worst feeling in the world to not like your own kid, even if it's only for an hour.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Former flames
I have been patting myself on the back a little bit lately for something that is seemingly unimportant but of which I feel proud.
Prior to marrying D, I dated maybe 10 guys, some more seriously than others. Now this doesn't count the stupid, barely preteen, at the pool relationships I had (those are totally forgettable).
And of those 10 guys I dated, I had more serious relationships with 5 of them. (Ok, I considered them more serious relationships either due to the intensity of the relationship (you can use your imagination here if you are on the dense side) or for the length of the relationship. It is quite possible, though, that the guys did not agree with my perspective).
One I saw when I was pregnant with N, and he didn't whop me in the face, which was considerate of him given how badly I dumped him when I was 19. My high school sweetheart got in touch with me by email a couple years ago, so I knew how he was doing and that he didn't hate me for breaking up with him during my freshman year of college. Another I saw at a church picnic a couple years back with his family and caught up.
But there were 2 gentlemen I hadn't heard from for many years, and FB helped me make contact. It was a little awkward, especially with one of them, because in that case I had been dumped by him and for many years felt like whopping him in the head should I ever have an occasion to see him.
Anyway, so now I have made contact with all of my more serious former flames and feel a sense of closure. I am over any lingering animosity I may have had due to an unhappy split and have moved on with my life, and they have done likewise. It wasn't like I was harboring any unhappy feelings, but it feels good to have reconnected and know that I am not on anyone's shit list from years past (which is good because I'm on shit lists from the more recent past of early 2008).
Hmmm, I must be channeling John Cusack from High Fidelity. Where is my cool background music?
Prior to marrying D, I dated maybe 10 guys, some more seriously than others. Now this doesn't count the stupid, barely preteen, at the pool relationships I had (those are totally forgettable).
And of those 10 guys I dated, I had more serious relationships with 5 of them. (Ok, I considered them more serious relationships either due to the intensity of the relationship (you can use your imagination here if you are on the dense side) or for the length of the relationship. It is quite possible, though, that the guys did not agree with my perspective).
One I saw when I was pregnant with N, and he didn't whop me in the face, which was considerate of him given how badly I dumped him when I was 19. My high school sweetheart got in touch with me by email a couple years ago, so I knew how he was doing and that he didn't hate me for breaking up with him during my freshman year of college. Another I saw at a church picnic a couple years back with his family and caught up.
But there were 2 gentlemen I hadn't heard from for many years, and FB helped me make contact. It was a little awkward, especially with one of them, because in that case I had been dumped by him and for many years felt like whopping him in the head should I ever have an occasion to see him.
Anyway, so now I have made contact with all of my more serious former flames and feel a sense of closure. I am over any lingering animosity I may have had due to an unhappy split and have moved on with my life, and they have done likewise. It wasn't like I was harboring any unhappy feelings, but it feels good to have reconnected and know that I am not on anyone's shit list from years past (which is good because I'm on shit lists from the more recent past of early 2008).
Hmmm, I must be channeling John Cusack from High Fidelity. Where is my cool background music?
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