Boy oh boy

When moms without sons ask me if it is a different experience from having a girl, I tend to roll my eyes and sigh wearily, "Oh my god, yes."   And to think I will have two little boys running underfoot in a year or so.

G is my imp and will likely be the death of me.  That is unless I die from fatigue as a result of the other boy in the house who keeps me awake all night with teething issues and general 4-month-old shitty sleeper stuff.  

When N was a toddler and would wake in the morning, I could bring her to my bed where we would snuggle, chat and doze a little longer.  When G wakes in the morning, and I bring him into my bed, it is Wrestlemania.  He's flipping, flopping, kicking, turning, hollering, and trying to tackle me.  There is no dozing going on.  

And then there's the constant throwing of toys.  Which is generally preceded by shrieks of frustration.  

There's also the chasing cats and pulling their tails.  Which is generally followed by hissing, and the cats running for their lives to the basement.  Their escape is followed by G trying to break down the basement door in an attempt to get to them.  

G is all energy---rough and tumble.  All boy.  

And I love that he is this way, except that it is exhausting.  On days like today where he is also cranky, it is all I can do not to body slam him into his bed and leave him their for hours.  

A little of this, and a little of that

Just odds and ends here to post.

1. We are looking to get a pretty chunky refund back, so my new flooring is on BABY!!!  And I grossly underestimated the cost of the flooring.  I was hoping for $3,000 or so.  Double that plus some, and that is the cheapest estimate we got.  But I am determined to get rid of this linoleum and carpet (with so much cat vomit stain I can't even stand it).

2. I know I don't want anymore children, but I am starting to feel all sentimental and baby-pangish what with M cutting 2 teeth in the last week.  He is growing up so much faster than N or G did.  And he's squealing for crying out loud.

3. I have got to get some pics of me nursing M.  With N, I had a zillion pics of her suckling.  With G, a few.  With M, none so far...well, maybe one from when he was first born.  I am trying to remember all the sweetness of him nursing.  Like how as he's nursing, he rubs his forehead with his hand, as if he is rubbing away all the stress of life as he gets his milk and comfort.  And that milk-drunk look, with the milk dribble running down his chin and his body utterly limp.

4. Tonight G zinged D at supper.  When I was doing something to help G, D started to say something to me.  G said, "We talkin," and shot his daddy a serious look.  D didn't get why I thought this was so funny until I mentioned that D is the one who shoots a serious look and says, "We're talking here," whenever N or G interrupt me and D while we are attempting a conversation at dinner.

5. I am starting to do some writing for a local magazine.  No, I don't have much time, but it makes me feel like I'm using my brain.  Which is unusual.  And nice.

6. N is having her 6-year-old birthday at My Gym.  We started filling out the invitations tonight.  She is biting at the bit, and even though we aren't doing it at home, I still somehow have a mountain of shit to do related to her birthday. I guess because she gets to take a treat into school too.

Alright, that's all for now.  I really need to go to bed.  Those darn teeth made M sleep like crap last night.  And therefore mommy slept like crap as well.

Raising children--Part 2

I think in teaching, just as in parenting, a big part of being in any way effective is picking your battles.  And I try to do that.  There are some things I am simply not going to make an issue of.  Like what my kids wear out in public.  As long as their genitalia is covered, nothing raunchy is written on their clothing, and it is all relatively clean, I really don't care if things match.

And as I mentioned in my last post, there are issues that I am definitely going to battle over, such as if the kids are disrespectful.

But then there are the issues where I'm stuck in the middle---they bug me enough that I feel like I should make them an issue, but I have my reasons for not.  And I go back and forth over what to do, what to do.

One of these issues is mealtime.

Every evening N does this Mexican-jumping bean routine during dinner.  She cannot sit still.  She is up and down, on her knees, sitting on the arm of the chair, bouncing around in the chair.  Putzing around to the point that everyone else is done, while she still sits at the table, only occasionally taking a nibble of food.

I find that I am constantly saying, "N, please EAT!!!"  or "SIT DOWN!!"  It drives me nuts.  I have tried using a timer.  I have tried removing her food when D is done with dishes and saying, "The kitchen is closed."

But I always seem to waiver, and here is why.  First, I think to myself that she has to sit and be still and attentive and focused all day at school, so maybe she really does have a hard time sitting still at home and needs to be able to wiggle if she needs to.  Secondly, although I know she won't starve, I just have a difficult time taking food away from a child when she says she is not finished.  Thirdly, she often saves her healthiest food for last, so in order to get her to eat her carrots or grapes (which is very important to me), I find I have to let her dinner continue and continue.

So my inconsistency is a big part of this problem.

Bedtime is another "problem" area for me, primarily because, again, N putzes around with getting on her pajamas, brushing her teeth, and getting into bed.  I feel like I am constantly harping on her.  And I don't want to "punish" her by reading fewer books because reading before bed is a priority to me (importance of reading books in general and having special, quiet time with my kids).  But I keep thinking there has got to be something I can do to motivate her to get ready more efficiently.

So if anyone has any suggestions for mealtime and bedtime, I am open to advice.  Because that is another way teaching/raising children are similar:  you talk to other experienced teachers/parents for ideas on making the bumps more smooth.

Teaching middle schoolers and raising children--Part 1

My friend K and I have begun an online discussion of sorts about discipline.  She and I were both middle school teachers prior to being stay-at-home moms, and I think both of our experiences in the classroom have informed how we raise our kids.

I think I was a very good teacher considering I only did it four years.  My first year was a challenge, as it is for everyone, but I managed to develop an excellent relationship with my students overall.  Part of that was because I read and re-read Harry Wong's The First Days of School.  Whenever I get back to the classroom, it will be one of the first books I turn to as a refresher.

Wong stressed the importance of having a few rules (three to five) and many procedures and routines so kids knew exactly what was expected and exactly how to do it.  He stressed how critical it is to have high and positive expectations for students.  He stressed how critical it is to develop relationships with students.  Reading K's blog about discipline and relating it to her experience as a teacher had me up last night thinking about Wong's book and how I used its teachings in the classroom.

Although I never really considered it until now, I think I try to run my home the way I did my classroom.  In general, I have very few rules.  Probably the biggest rule I stress to my kids is to be respectful of self and others.  I will not tolerate disrespect (sassiness, eye-rolling, hitting, etc).  That doesn't mean my kids aren't disrespectful; it just means there are serious consequences when they behave inappropriately.

And I really try to keep our routines.  On school days, there is no tv before school for anyone (since it is distracting and keeps everyone from moving along with the day).  When N comes home from school at 4:40, she and G can have a snack but nothing after 5:00.  She can watch tv until D comes home at 6:15. but then the tv is off for the night.  We begin bedtime routine between 7:00-7:30---getting into pajamas, brushing teeth and reading books before bed.

I try to lay out my expectations prior to doing something with the kids, such as telling them in the parking lot that we are going to get the 5 things on my list, they must hold onto the grocery cart as we walk through the store (can't run ahead), and if they behave only then will we look at toys for 10 minutes.

I try to use logical consequences for their behavior, although this is sometimes difficult.  When N is sassy and uses a disrespectful tone, she cannot be around me or the family until she is able to speak appropriately.  If G throws a toy, it is taken away until he can play with it without throwing it.   I find that I often have to peruse another favorite book of mine, Love & Logic-Magic, for help on setting logical consequences for the kids' behaviors.

When I was a teacher, I had very few discipline problems because students knew I cared about them and wanted them to learn.  If they had gum, I wasn't going to make a big stink.  I'd just quietly ask them to ditch it.  If they forgot a pencil, I'd give them one or have them ask a friend.  If they paid attention and tried their best, they had my utmost respect, patience and encouragement.  There were many students who were royal shits for other teachers on my team, but who came into my classroom and did exactly what I asked of them.

I hope some of that is what happens in my home with my children.  Of course, it is a different story when it is your own children---different emotions, stronger bonds.  Plus, I am with my same kids all day and all night long, even on weekends, even during the summer, so I am not always at my best.  But I think my children feel loved and respected, and their behavior mostly shows that.

When did I move to Infanticide Town???

I don't know what the fuck is going on around here, but some people have gone and lost their ever-loving minds.  

Within the past 3 weeks, the news has been littered with reports of infant abuse and infanticide.  A 4-month-old died after being thrown against a couch and shaken, and a 6-week-old was killed by his father (who killed another infant son of his some twenty years ago).  Two days ago, an 8-month-old baby drowned after his mother left him in the tub to go fix him some food.  And another baby was thrown 3 feet onto the floor by his mother but didn't die.  

I'd say god needs to reevaluate whom on this planet has to deal with infertility.

Having a baby is stressful, no doubt about it.  There were plenty of times when I was nursing M in those early weeks, when my raw nipples were nearly detaching from my body and he would swat at them with his flailing baby hands, that I felt the urge to launch him across the room because the pain was so intense.  

But I didn't.  

And I have felt like beating the hell out of my kindergartener when she mouths off at me in that sassy way of hers.  

But I don't.

I can totally understand the urge to harm a child because babies and children have the innate ability to drive a person to the brink of sanity.  And the fact that I understand this is one of the main reasons I do not spank my children---it is just too easy for it to go too far. 

After hearing these reports, it makes me think about abortion.  I don't think abortion is right, and I would never make the choice to have an abortion.  But I sure as heck wish these babies had been aborted at 8 weeks gestation than to suffer an incredibly painful death at the hands of people who are supposed to love and protect them.

My idea of heaven

As a totally non-religious person, I don't know if there is a heaven, but if there is one, I have an idea of what I want it to be like.

Tonight, I was rocking M to sleep, holding him close in my arms, feeling his round little bottom and watching him suck on his pacifier.  And even though there are a million things I want to do to decompress from being with the kids all day, I felt the need to savor that time with him.  Because I can't recall the feel of rocking N or G to sleep.

I listen to G talk in his sweet 2-year-old voice, and I can't remember the sound of N's voice when she was his age.  In a couple years, I will listen to M's voice and not be able to recall the sound of G's.

So my heaven is to be able to re-feel all of these wonderful, delightful, cherished moments with my children.  To hear their childhood laughs and voices.  To smell their baby smells.  To touch their fat, wrinkly rolls of skin.  To feel their bodies against mine in nighttime embraces.

I want my senses to be able to live in these little moments forever.

Doing what feels right and doubting it anyway

Let me begin by saying I love Dr. Sears and have since my friend T turned me onto him when N was a baby.  I am an attachment parent---the whole breastfeeding, bonding, blah, blah, blah.   Lord knows I screw up on a daily basis as a parent, but I am overall pleased with my parenting philosophy.

Still, I find myself doubting myself, and so I pick up parenting books that friends recommend.  Because there is always something for me to learn. 

K mentioned the book Saving Childhood by Michael and Diane Medved.  I have skimmed it, reading more deeply in certain areas than others.  And overall I like the message---that we should do more to protect our children's innocence, to keep them children longer.  Three of the things they suggest parents should do is provide security, encourage a sense of wonder, and instill optimism.  

I think I am the type of parent who tries to do these things, although I probably let my kids watch too much tv and dvds....to the point that they completely lack imaginations.  I have often worried about N's lack of imagination compared to other children.  But I think that is more of a genetic thing than a tv thing because I was never terribly imaginative as a child, or as an adult for that matter.  (In college my creative writing teacher more or less told me my ideas suck, but my writing is great.).  

My biggest problem with this book was that it just made me feel inadequate, especially since the Medveds really talk a lot about the influence of the media.

For example, over Christmas break, N's Mamaw took her to see Alvin & the Chipmunks:  The Squeakquel.  Last week, I heard N singing, "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."  I asked where she heard it, and she said the movie.  So I googled the song lyrics (since I personally live in freaking bubble), and found that it was a Beyonce song.  I found the video on YouTube and let N watch it.  

Now I have always loved dance, so I enjoyed watching Beyonce's video because of the beat and the dancing.  Yes, the moves and outfits are a little "sexy," but it was great watching N dance, in her kindergarten flailing kind of way, to the song.  And now she and G both are singing the song.  There are few things funnier than one's 2-year-old son repeating the phrase, "All the single ladies" in his carseat and wobbling back and forth.  

But I have been filled with self-doubt, wondering whether I am smashing my children's delicate and innocent sensibilities by allowing them to watch the Beyonce video on YouTube.  

The second book was suggested by my friend C, and I looked to it because M is a crappy sleeper.  I mean, he's not even 4-months-old but he certainly ain't falling into that category of "sleeping through the night."  Not even close.  So the book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, sounded promising.  

Unfortunately, Weissbluth talks about allowing a baby ages 4 months and up to cry themselves to sleep, and I simply cannot do that.  I'd rather deal with being tired.  Plus, he says that a nap of under an hour doesn't even count, which may be true.  But some babies, including my son, take naps of under an hour.  So since reading that, I have been stewing when M takes one of these micro-naps rather than just accepting that this just may be the way M sleeps right now.  

I'm glad I'm an educated parent who reads parenting books, but I wish I could just read them, take the bits and pieces I like and want to try, and chuck the rest without feeling guilty or inadequate.