Thoughts on depression....a continuation of a friend's FB note

A friend of mine shared his thoughts for the day on depression and asked that others write their own. So here goes.....

I technically have never been diagnosed with depression. I am clinically diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but when I had my breakdown (or breakthrough as I like to think of it), I was suffering from a number of symptoms of depression----feelings of guilt and helplessness, feelings of hopelessness, inability to eat, insomnia, persistent sad feelings.

To some extent, none of these symptoms were really new. I had battled anxiety and sadness for many, many years, but they would subside eventually. The grunge period of the 1990s was especially well-timed because I looked as miserable as I mostly felt in my flannel shirts and torn jeans, listening to Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain wail and holler. I was able to get along, though.

But this time was different. This time I really, truly felt like I was going mad. I was terrified someone would take my daughter from me because I knew I was "losing it."

My dearest friend had suffered from depression for quite awhile when I had my episode, and it was at this point that I apologized to her because until that time, until I had lived it, I never got it. I never fully understood what a horrible existence it is to suffer untreated or to be beginning treatment and not feel any instant relief. I guess like most things in life, it takes someone walking in the same shoes to fully appreciate the extent of your joy or sadness.

And my friend who wrote his thoughts on depression on FB? He sent me the most wonderful, caring letter, sharing his own experiences and giving me hope that I would feel better. And I did feel better over time, after some medication tinkering and therapy.

Now, as this blog suggests, I, in many ways, have defined my life by my experience with mood disorders. It defined my life for a long time before I even knew it was a combination of mood disorders that were making my life, outlook and attitude what they were. And I am happy and proud to share my experience with others, to offer hope or help in whatever form I can, because I am a much better, stronger, kinder person as a result of my experience.

I am not as judgmental. I am not as hard on myself or others. I am much more empathetic towards others who are living their own breakdown or breakthrough. And I understand what makes me tick now in a way I wouldn't have had it not been for my experience in 2004.

A little this, and a little that

Hey, I don't feel like being political. Hurrah. A non-controversial blog post for Labor Day (unless the ASPCA wants to knuckle down over how much I hate my cats....see below).

1. Went to Wal-Mart and purchased lots of cleaning/home-care items so that neither I nor D will have to run out to purchase diswasher detergent or Aveeno soap for a good, long while.

2. Have reached desperation regarding my knickers. Am this close to violating all sorts of public decency laws and just going with a fig leaf. Seriously, there comes a time when even pregnancy clothes don't cut it, and you just need to wear a potato sack for maximum comfort.

3. Visit the doctor manana for 35 week appointment and will hopefully get a D-date on the calendar. Our "plan" (which I say loosely because by this time I truly "get it" that childbirth and babies are always apt to throw a wrench is whatever plan you have) is to get N off to school, go to the hospital, slice & dice and recover for a bit, have D pick N up a little early from school and tell her FIRST what the baby is.....then she can tell the grandparents and great-grandparent, and D can announce on Twitter and FB at that point. So, FB friends, you might know I've had the baby, but you won't know the gender until N knows.

4. If I don't murder my cats before 2010 it will be a small miracle. I am so, so, so, so, so fucking sick of cleaning up mustard yellow cat bile and half-digested kibble. There are wet rags all over my floors on every level of the house. I wish my carpet was a combo of shit-brown and mustard yellow (to hide all the dirt and vomit stains). I am seriously considering getting new flooring (non carpet) on the first floor next year just so it eliminates one area of the house where I have to spray neutralizer/carpet cleaner. D and I could probably afford to refloor the entire house with all the money we've spent on carpet sprays for cat "accidents" over the last 12 years.

5. G is talking up a storm. He knows when N starts singing, "Lolly, lolly, lolly get your...." that he can follow up with "adverbs here." He knows all his body parts, including his penis, but he often calls it poop (I guess he confuses a shit bulge with a sex organ bulge). He is very adept at saying, "Mommy, sih down!," "Mommy pay (play)," and "He com Mommy."

6. And Miss N adores kindergarten and is doing wonderfully well. Every school day she gets up on her own, dresses herself and then comes into my room to harass me out of bed. We're still working on getting breakfast eaten within a 5-hour time frame, but she hasn't missed the bus yet, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

7. Am more than halfway through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I asked for #7 for my birthday as well as Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book, so I'll have plenty to read over the next however many months (since I won't finish a book every 2 weeks for awhile). D has moved all the movies I'd really like to see before the baby comes to the top of the Netflix queue, although I think that there are more movies than I have weeks left in the pregnancy.

So we are wrapping things up. I am increasingly excited to meet this little bugger.

I must be itchin'

For a fight. I seem to be getting into more and more FB "rows" with people over health care reform and the President's upcoming speech. I'm not just randomly starting shit with people....unless you count my blogging, which I don't because I try to be reasonable in my writing...but I have just seen people write really mean-spirited comments. Sarcastic remarks about people's status updates and name-calling. I might "think" someone is a jackass, but I'm surely not gonna call them that on FB.

I am of the opinion that this type of behavior utterly undermines whatever argument someone is trying to make. If you are making an argument, stick to the point, the facts. Once you resort to name-calling and "mind-reading" (as in saying, "You know I'm right"), you have started sliding down the slippery slope of stupidity, and no one with any sense is going to take you seriously. The other idiots who resort to these behaviors will think you are right on, but the level-headed people of the word think you are a slimebag, an asshole, a shithead.

Of course, the level-headed people of the world are too level-headed to call you what you are because they aren't uncouth and ignorant.

Seriously people???? Really????

I find myself either saying this alot or thinking it....

First, let me begin by admitting the following:

1. Yes, I voted for Obama.

2. No, I do not think he is the Messiah. He is a fallible human, just like the rest of us.

3. No, I don't want the US to become like Communist China.

4. No, I don't think George W. Bush was the brightest or most articulate president we've ever had.

5. And Yes, I disagreed with most everything he did.

BUT, if George W. Bush had broadcast a speech on the importance of education, setting goals and respecting one's parents, I wouldn't have gone ape-shit. Because those things are important, regardless of your political affiliation. My biggest concern is that he would have messed up the pronunciation of most every word he encountered on the tele-prompter, making him look like an ass and resulting in kids not taking him seriously.

If you disagree with Obama's politics, fine. But I would think most reasonable people could see how he is a good "role model" for children. Of mixed race, raised by a single parent, and achieved amazing things both in terms of his education and his career based on his skills, not because of his family connections (like a certain president who's initials are G.W.B., but we could also lump the Kennedys in here too).

I know all the health care hubbub has people up in arms and suspicious, but I cannot help but be continually amazed at how unreasonable folks can be. I don't think we've reached North Korea style propaganda just yet.

What little I can do

I have often thought that at some point I might be interested in serving in a public office. I don't know that I've ever actually admitted that to anyone, even D.

Whenever I have this thought, though, I have to remember that even though I think I can "rumble" fairly well, my insides go all bonkers whenever I face conflict, and I obsess over it.

Which brings me to this never-ending saga of the health-care reform debate. There are many things I think could be done to reform health care. Put caps on malpractice torts. Regulate the health care industry so no one can be denied coverage or charged exorbitant prices. Mandate that everyone has health insurance (we do it with car insurance, why not health?) Throw out the whole pre-existing condition rule. Make preventative care and public health stronger than what they currently are.

I am all for personal responsibility. I live my life according to it's principles. It burns my rear when I hear of folks using Medicaid who want to bitch about their "inadequate treatment," like having to see a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor. It pisses me off that generations of families live as parasites off the welfare system.

BUT, I cannot help but keep in my head the saying, "There but for the grace of God go I." A strong work ethic, an appreciation for help when it is given, a belief in the power of education---these are learned. My parents, who both came from very meager circumstances, taught me these values. And sadly, there are many, many people in this country who don't learn these things.

And even among those who do, life is sometimes a bitch and hands you a bucket of shit to hold. I think of them primarily whenever I think of the health care reform debate. The people who hold the jobs and work and try to keep their homes and raise their families and are forced into dire circumstances because of the health cards life dealt them.

I guess I simply don't understand the reasons behind some people's arguments against a government option for health care.

Some say it will be expensive to pay for. I agree, but not doing anything is going to be even costlier to individuals and the country as a whole. When my daughter was born 5 and a half years ago, I think we paid maybe $200 for her delivery. As I've mentioned numerous times, this third child will cost close to $10,000. And I would much rather be taxed at a certain percentage than have all sorts of "hidden fees" in my private health care to cover the uninsured.

Some say they don't want the government's hands all over everything. Maybe not, but have these people ever mailed a letter through the US Postal Service? Do their parents utilize Medicare? Have they ever filed unemployment while laid off? Have they ever used the internet at their local public library or checked out books? Do their kids attend public schools? If you utilize all of these things, and have no problem with it, then what exactly is your fear with a public health care option? The government isn't going to make you use it, right? You will still have the choice of private health care, so run with it if it makes you happy.

Some people are just plain scared of the unknown, and I can completely understand this. The devil you know is worse than the devil you don't know. But the current state of health care is a pretty bad fucking devil, so I'm willing to take a chance on the other boogeyman waiting behind the door.

To do list is nearly done

But this doesn't mean I want baby to come right now.

Here is the list I posted a couple weeks ago....

1. Buy newborn diapers -CHECK

2. Finish scrapbooking all pics from April-current -- CHECK

3. Sand & paint wall behind bookshelf in basement --this is D's job. I just gotta harass.

4. Try to repair the VCR -- CHECK

5. If VCR can't be fixed, take to electronics recycling center along with shredder that no longer works.

6. Put down more lava rock in front flower beds--CHECK

7. Buy G's birthday invites, plates, napkins, etc--CHECK

8. Schedule a pregnancy massage--CHECK

Plus, we even got around to doing the following:

Baby bed bought, put together and made--CHECK
(notice how it is sandwiched between the wall and my dresser--lovely, lovely nursery).

N and G artwork in basement (revised N's and completed G's)--CHECK

Bought myself some new pjs for the hospital--CHECK

We're getting there.

Addicted to craigslist

As I mentioned on this blog recently, I am not a big shopper, but I have discovered the joy of craigslist, especially concerning the purchasing of most things kid-related.

When N was a baby/toddler, I bought everything new, but eventually I realized that this was kinda stupid because kids have two purposes in life: 1. drive their parents nuts and 2. destroy everything they touch.

So I wised up and have since been much, much, much more adept at searching consignment sales and online for gently used and much less expensive items.

When G turned 1, I wanted to get him one of the Laugh & Learn Learning Home, which retails brand new for $80. I got one off craigslist for either $20 or $25. It is in great condition other than the little flower in the flower pot is gone.

For Christmas 2008, I wanted to get him a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe, which retails brand new for $50. Again, craigslist to the rescue, where I got his for $20-25. Great condition again.

G isn't the only one who has benefited from my online shopping. I bought a big bag of Barbie clothes for $12 for N this summer (I think we counted up like 28 outfits in the bag). They weren't in super marvelous condition, but after a 5-year-old spends a couple months changing doll clothes repeatedly, they are all rags anyway.

And third baby is reaping the rewards of craigslist before birth.

This weekend I met up with a woman who sold me a really nice exersaucer for $15. Great condition, and I should be able to get most if not all of the money back out of it when I sell it sometime in the future (provided G doesn't break it while trying to launch himself off the top).

Now tonight, after an unsuccessful attempt at finding a glider for the new baby on Sunday at the half-price consignment sale, I found a white one on craigslist being offered for $30. I'm waiting to hear back as I type this.

I know there will come a time when my kids may balk at the idea of gently used items, so I'm spending wisely now and saving up for those big-ass ticket items (if they are anything like their daddy they are gonna have champagne taste).