Finding religion in science fiction

I do not believe that religious texts are the only places to find, learn about, or struggle with god or religion.
I actually have better luck finding theology in secular texts.

I recently finished listening to the audiobook of Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler, a science fiction book that was published in the 1990s.

In this book, the protagonist Lauren Olamena doesn't understand the loving god, god as parent (even though her father is a Baptist preacher).

I have always struggled with god as parent as well.
As a child, I knew my parents got frustrated with me, and I didn't fully understand what parent love meant.
How you can both hate your child and love your child in the exact same moment?

I've always had trouble wrapping my head around god that loves unconditionally because even though I would die for my children and will love them no matter what, which I suppose means I love them unconditionally, I don't really feel like this is the same love I would want from my god.
I know what I think sometimes about my children; those mean thoughts I keep tucked inside my head.
How angry I get at them, how frustrating they can be, the feeling of resentment that sometimes pulses through me.
How I sometimes think I could literally get in my car and abandon them because being a mother is just so exhausting.
So I put those same feelings on god when I think of god as parent.
And that makes god not so endearing to me and not really anyone or anything I want to determine things about my life or my afterlife.

The other idea that I struggle with is the god of the bible offering his only son.
Again, I realize I'm struggling to not put my human parameters around god, but I cannot fathom this. To sacrifice one of my children (a flesh-and-blood one at that) for the good of my other children (who are kind of jerk heads)?
I can see a Sethe (from Beloved) decision to sacrifice one's own child to keep one's own child from extreme suffering.
(See how I revert back to non-sacred texts.)

Anyway, because the whole god-as-parent thing kinks me up, I found myself drawn to the notion of god as change, which is what Butler suggests in her aforementioned sci-fi novel.

I love this quote:
All that you touch, you change.
All that you change, changes you.
The only lasting truth is change.
God is change.

This is an idea I can understand. God as something pliable, something that I have some control over at times and over which I have no control at times.
God that doesn't wish me ill or well.

I think mine and G's OCD makes this God as change idea really powerful.
OCD wants control and creates ridiculous rules for attempting to establish control.
What the psychiatrist (with my help) is trying to do is to make change and being out of control acceptable to G.
One of my favorite prayers is the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Humans want to feel in control, and the god as parent idea makes that hard.
Parents, as sci-fi writer Alix Harrow says, are plot-spoilers.
Parents want control over their children. And children rebel against this. (Which is why, in novels, having no parents in the picture makes for better stories.)

I have always rebelled around anything and anyone that tries to control me--my body, my thoughts, my beliefs, my feelings.
God feels more workable to me if he/she/it is neutral and malleable and allows me the capacity to exercise control as I can. 

How quitting the gym is healthy (for me right now)

It seems strange to connect my decision to end my gym membership with health.
It isn't like the gym was costing me a ton of cash ($15.89 per month).
But the gym membership was costing me psychological energy.
It was causing me psychological stress.

As the kids have gotten older, my mental energy load has increased what feels like a thousand-fold. (It probably is actually a thousand-fold and not just a feeling of that being the case.)

I'm trying to keep up with all their things:
field hockey practices
science fair paperwork
student council schedule
homework
Girl Scout events
doctor visits (which feel like all the time, given G is seeing a psychiatrist once a week for ERP and M has a plantar wart that has been needing twice-monthly visits, and M has orthodontist appointments once a month, and the boys and I need allergy shots anywhere from 2-3 times a week (me) to every 2-3 weeks (the boys).

Plus, there are my jobs---subbing, cottage school, tutoring, consulting, freelancing.

Plus, there is the podcast which is my hobby right now.

Back in the days of yore, I was home a lot with the kids. Nap times made afternoon outings impossible. I yearned to be out doing something.
At that time, getting out of the house was a treat for me, a much-needed opportunity to speak to adults and get away from my children.
It was my me-time.

But now, I'm rarely home, and when I am, I don't want to leave.
I don't want to get in the car and drive somewhere I don't absolutely HAVE.TO.BE.
I am happy to go for a walk on the treadmill or take a walk with D during his lunch break when he works from home or do some yoga stretching on the floor of my living room.

Having the gym membership was one more thing that required my attention and needed me to remember it.

To have it off my mental to-do list makes me feel so much better.
And that is worth a lot more than the $200 it was costing me every year.

Tempering my wants

Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows I love to travel.
I don't necessarily love the "traveling" part of travel, but I love visiting new places and experiencing new things.

I had hoped to take the family to Yellowstone and Grand Tetons this year but decided a while back that that goal was feasible but not responsible.

Last year was a bit of a money hemorrhage.
New HVAC system and water heater in May.
New-to-us car in October.
And I realized that we had actually gone on not one, not two, but three trips in 2019:
Atlanta, GA during Spring Break, 2019
Cape San Blas, FL during summer 2019
and
Michigan City, IN during fall break 2019.

To go to Yellowstone and Grand Tetons would involve airfare for 5 people, a rental car, and probably two home rentals since we would want to minimize driving between the national parks.
If you've ever looked into flying to Jackson Hole, it is crazy-expensive.

As much as I hated to let the idea go, I had to let it go.
If I proceeded, I would feel guilty for spending so much money when what we really need to do is save.

So, I had to think about where we could go that might give us a bit of a Yellowstone feel without the airfare and rental car.
My kids will agree to just about anything if it involves the possibility of seeing animals.
When we visited Rocky Mountain National Park, we spent an entire day on a hunt to see a moose, and when we finally did on our way out of the park, even G didn't want to get back in the car to leave.

I realized that we could venture to Land Between the Lakes, which is less than 4 hours away and has a bison & elk prairie.
So we're doing a "state"-cation this year.
There is horseback-riding at LBL, and the place we're staying is right on the water and has kayaks.
If we get bored, we can visit Fort Donelson in Tennessee or Paducah.
We're even taking my niece, which will change things up since she has never traveled with us before.

Also, on my list for a short day-trip in spring is Big Bone Lick State Park which, surprisingly, also has bison on site.
The draw, though, is simply the name. 

OCD is part of my reason

This past fall marked 15 years since I began treatment for my OCD.
It has taken almost that entire time for me to get comfortable with this disorder.

That diagnosis has changed my life in many ways.

It made me see the value of therapy and encourage it for others.
It made me vocal about the need for better and more mental health care.
It made me realize that having a mental health issue does not equate to being useless, crazy, or unworthy.
It made me better equipped to handle my own son's OCD and be empathic.
And beyond my son, it has allowed me to offer help and hope to other people.

A young person I know and see regularly was diagnosed, and her mom, who is also my friend, made sure to mention to her daughter that "Ms. V has OCD" to help ease her daughter's handling of the diagnosis.

It made me feel very proud to know that in some ways I have become a "poster-girl" for OCD among people I know.
Because when you have a condition that isn't going to go away and that can be crippling and embarrassing, you need to know that a person can have the condition and still thrive.
That a person can still have healthy long-term relationships.
And be smart.
And be productive.
And be cool.
(Ok, I'm not really cool except in my own head.)

It also makes me glad that I've been a bit of a loudmouth about my OCD, allowing others to feel comfortable enough to ask me questions and seek my suggestions and guidance. 

A decade of freelancing

While I don't do new year resolutions or get jazzed about celebrating what is an arbitrary "time change" event, I do recognize that within our human-imposed calendar we have milestone events that we recognize.
Birthdays, for example.

I do celebrate birthdays (mostly other people's birthdays), and I give a passing nod to anniversaries, too.

This year, 2020, marks a decade of freelancing for me.
I didn't ever intend to be a freelancer.
I didn't go "looking for it."
It was pure accident.
I saw an opportunity and thought, "What have I got to lose?"

In my first year of freelancing, I wrote three articles, and only one was paid.
I made $50 for it, which was fine because I was just so excited to have my name in print.
At the time, I was knee-deep in baby- and toddler-care, so to use my brain in a way that allowed me some quiet alone time and made me feel intellectual was huge.

Now, since the freelancing is still part-time, I write around 70 articles a year.
I've branched into more advertising-type work.
My pay has increased, too.

Opportunities have presented themselves in which I edit others' work.
Opportunities have presented themselves in which I train other writers.

Freelancing has made me a better English teacher.
Not every English teacher gets paid for their writing, and I'd venture to say most don't.
When I think about going back to teaching full-time, I know I'd have to give up my freelancing, and I really don't like that idea.
My freelancing feeds my teaching and vice versa.

One of my favorite things about freelancing is the serendipitous way in which it happened and how that one thing created a cascade of openness to other serendipitous opportunities that have brought me a tremendous amount of pleasure and growth. 

The one (and just about only) thing that brings me joy at Christmas

Sometimes, I can get into the spirit of Christmas (light in darkness, hope for the future, the kindness of strangers, etc, etc.), but this year was not one of those times.

I have just felt angry and resentful and frustrated and generally not-too-happy.

However, there is one thing that consistently brings me a bit of happiness during the Christmas season, and that is the ornaments I have bought (or others have bought) for my children.

Of course, there are the baby ornaments, which are sweet, but the ones I like most are the ones that show my children's interests throughout the years and the ones I have purchased for them from vacations and trips we've gone on.

For example, these are the ornaments I got for the boys from our three trips this year: Kennesaw National Battlefield in Atlanta, GA; Washington Park Zoo in Michigan City, IN; and Cape San Blas, FL. They are never excited to get ornaments, but I think they like pulling them out all the years later and remembering our adventures.

These are others...

Sanibel Island, FL

Grand Lake, CO

Rocky Mountain National Park

and Quebec City, where D and I visited for our 20th wedding anniversary.

Edisto Island, SC (pirate),

Tiana from Disney, and Sleeping Bear Dunes in Michigan. 

When I haven't been able to find actual ornaments, 

I've made do with magnets that I glue ribbons on. 

The E.T. one was from Universal Studios in FL.

And then there are the ones that show the kids' interests, even if, at the time, they made no sense to me. When G was 2, he loved any kind of car or truck, so the red tractor made sense. When N was 2, she picked out a school bus.

Then there was when N was big into dancing and being a ballerina.

When G was heavy into dinosaurs, I got this one for him. 

By the time the kids are out-on-their-own and have trees, they will have plenty from their childhoods to take with them.

OCD treatment, Part 1

Along with my medication, I have found motherhood to be a pretty good way for me to deal with my OCD and its incessant desire to have certainty.

There is nothing certain about motherhood, which is why I nearly lost my mind 15 years ago.
You can do everything "right" and your kid is still a mess or gets sick or is an asshole.
Also, what is "right" when it comes to parenting a kid?
Who knows.
There are no guaranteed "rights" or "wrongs."
What I do that is "right" for my oldest is a definite "wrong" for my middle or youngest.
Or vice versa.

I have become much more comfortable with the certainty that I cannot control my kids or their outcomes.
The only certainty I have is that it is all uncertain.
I have to be ok with doing what was in my power to do, even if it is not everything and even if it doesn't work.
I have to be ok with saying "I tried."

I keep reminding myself of this as G and I work on his OCD treatment.

This past week was the first in which G had homework for his OCD, and it has been a doozy.
If G defined this homework, he would probably call it torture:
He had to wear pants for 2 hours every day and tie his shoes "the standard way" and wear them 2 hours every day. (The "standard way" is the bunny knot, possibly a double knot; not his convoluted tucked and rolled travesty of shoe-tying.)

He (and I) tried every day.
Some days he could wear shoes for 2 hours and some days he could wear pants for 2 hours, but he could only tolerate uniform pants for 20 minutes tops.
And he struggled with doing both at the same time.

For someone who does not have OCD, this all sounds absurd.
"Put on pants and move on with your day!"
But there are people for whom throwing on a pair of pants is like....an ordeal.

The whole not wearing pants thing and only wanting to wear one pair of shorts is a relatively new phenomenon; last spring and summer he wore whatever.
I think middle school had something to do with it--the uniforms, the new place, the weirdness of middle school boys in the bathroom, having to change clothes for physical education class.

Some of it is his changing body.
He is in that awkward stage where it is hard to find clothes that fit.

Unfortunately, in dealing with OCD, we are making it very unhappy, which means G has been having bursts of anger and irritability.
No one likes feeling anxious, which is why the compulsions begin....to make the anxious feelings go away.
But they don't go away for long, which means the compulsions get worse and more involved.

At the moment, we're pissing G's OCD off royally.