Let's bludgeon the phrase "You got this!"

I hate the phrase "You got this!"

I hate the exclamation point on the end of the phrase.

I hate the toxic positivity that this phrase expresses. (Everytime I see it, I imagine the person saying it with bulging eyes, a weird grin, and maybe holding pom-poms and waving them like a lunatic.)

I hate that people use this phrase all willy-nilly, whether someone is starting a new job, wallpapering their bedroom, making a recipe they've never tried before, or getting ready to undergo chemotherapy for a life-threatening cancer. 

It is back-to-school time so I'm seeing "You got this!" all over the place, and it's driving me insane. 

Yes, yes, I realize the intention when people use this phrase is to offer support, but it is just a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad phrase (to borrow from a writer who recognized and used a great phrase when she thought of it). 

Here is the thing:

You don't know whether the person you're saying "You got this!" to actually has "got this." 

Maybe they are a freaking hot mess of unmitigated garbage as they prepare for their job or chemo or wallpapering extravaganza. I know from watching a parent go through chemo that there is no "I've got this" going on in their heads. Cancer has got them, although the hope is that that isn't a permanent condition. "You got this!" sounds insincere and trite. 

Starting a new job is terrifying, and to be told "You got this!" may make the person feel like they "should" feel confident, which makes them feel even more scared and nervous. 

Moving into a dorm and starting college is, likewise, scary as hell. "You got this!" presumes that everything will be fine, but maybe everything won't be fine. Maybe the kid will hate dorm life and their roommates, hate their professors, and change their major 17 times before finally dropping out to do something that actually fulfills them. 

To me, blasting "You got this!" as a comment on every new thing that someone is dealing with is careless and downright unkind. 

And it's also really lazy.

"You got this!" to the person who is getting a new job instead of saying "It is so nerve-racking to start a new position, but I know you are smart and a hard worker, and any job would be lucky to have you."

"You got this!" to the person who is wallpapering their bedroom instead of saying, "Man, I did that once and glued my legs together, but I think you are probably a better direction follower than I am. Good luck!"

"You got this!" to the person starting chemo instead of saying, "I really hate that you are having to deal with this, and I am sending you hugs and wishes for comfort and peace."

So I would like to bludgeon that stupid phrase to death, bury it under a rock, and forget about it forevermore. 

Helping my kids embrace their "fuck thats"

If you ask my mother, she would probably tell you that even as a young child, I was very in tune with my "fuck thats." (Suffice it to say, I wasn't always the easiest kid to handle.) 

I had (and have) strong opinions and wasn't (and am not) scared to tell anyone what those opinions are. I don't try to knock people over the head with what I think, but if a discussion or debate comes up, I'm not a shrinking violet. 

When I was a kid I hated going to church and made zero effort to try to shut my mouth about it. I let Mom, Dad, my brother, the priest, god, and the devil know how I felt. But I kept going until I was 24 years old (which is about when I learned not only to say my "fuck thats" but also act on them). 

As a teenager, I hated messing with my hair so while other girls had their long locks, I got mine cut at a barber shop. I said "fuck that" to looking like every other teenage girl. 

Despite coming out the way I was, when I had my own children, for a short time I thought of myself as an artist, rendering in clay what my children would become. I would shape, mold, and produce these amazing kids.

I quickly learned that 1. I don't know what I'm doing and 2. they are who they are from the moment they are born and while I can do some things to guide them and provide them a solid basis on which to form, I am not the artist that creates a child. 

At the same time, I also began to resent the idea that my child was an extension of me, both for myself and my kids. Just as I was a person beyond being a mother, my children are not little Carries or little Ds running around. They may have similar things in common with us because they share our genetic code, but they are not us. To not see them for who they are is as wrong as people seeing me only as a person who has produced children. 

N loves to shop, and I despise shopping. It isn't an activity we do together. But we both love reading, so we talk books.

G loves to play video games, and I have zero interest in them. It isn't an activity we do together. But we both like films, so we watch them together. 

M loves.... I'm not sure, exactly. We're still working on activities we do together, but he enjoys being snarky, and I love his snarkiness. 

Recently N and G have been in situations where they have felt like someone is trying to make them into something they aren't or get them to do something that doesn't align with their desires. 

For the past several years, the popular thing is for college students to do "study abroad" for an entire semester or multiple semesters. It can be a cool opportunity, but N doesn't want to do it, yet she feels some pressure from classmates and even some teachers to do it. So we talked about why she shouldn't feel badly that this isn't something she is interested in doing. 

She would rather travel after college when she can feels like she can have total fun and not worry about fitting in schoolwork between visiting new places. Doing a semester abroad is her "fuck that," and it is totally fine if she doesn't do it. 

I had encouraged G to join Beta Club or National Honor Society this year since before long he will apply to college and for scholarships. I figured these groups are the least time-consuming things he could probably get involved in at his high school. He thought about it for a couple days and asked if I was going to make him join one of these organizations. 

"I'm not going to make you do anything beyond go to school and work to the best of your ability which is A and B work," I responded.

Forcing him to join an organization that he has zero interest in doing (his "fuck that") would cause both of us endless grief, so why do it? I was president of my school's NHS when I was a senior, but he isn't me. Would it possibly be beneficial to him to join? Maybe, probably. But would it be beneficial for him to be forced to join when he absolutely doesn't want to? No. 

It has occurred to me on occasion that when my kids ask me a question, and I respond with "I don't care" they may take it as "My mom actually doesn't care," but I try to help them understand that things like what clothes they wear or hairstyles they have or interests they pursue (provided they are legal) doesn't matter to me as long as they are doing what they like and not hurting others in the process. I didn't care about field hockey one iota but I supported N when she played (and complained about it too if for no other reason than to emphasize how much I freaking loved that kid because I did "the sports thing" to support her). 

I think they have learned that mom "not caring" about a lot of trivial things means that I do care about who they are an awful lot.