I sometimes hear parents complain that their children are not responsible. They forget to brush their teeth. They stay up too late. They don't pack what they need.
In some cases, I am able to observe what parents do around their kids, and what I notice is a distinct lack of checking up on the part of the parents.
Now, I realize that everyone parents differently, and what works for one child may not work for another. But, I also know that kids are kids. They are not little tiny adults who should be able to do something after being told once or twice.
I am a firm believer that kids need to be told approximately 100,000,000,000,000 times between the ages of 0-18. By the time they have been reminded this many times, your reminding voice will be firmly established in their heads, and they will no longer require you to do it.
And I don't mean yelled at 100,000,000,000,000 times. I mean there needs to be reminders of what to do in calm voices. This isn't nagging as much as it setting routines and procedures. There is a difference.
Routines and reminders have to be practiced until a parent feels like he/she is going to die from having to remind and establish routines.
Perhaps I find this easier because my OCD brain is a record-player that circles around and around and around on repeat naturally?
Earlier I said parents need to check up on their kids, and what this means is after reminding them to brush their teeth, you smell their breath to ensure it was done. If you tell your child to set out clothes to pack, you ask them to show you what they have packed so that you can catch any forgotten items. If you tell them to go to bed, you check to ensure their butts are in bed and lights are out.
Does this cut into "me" time?
Yes.
But in these cases, like tooth brushing and packing, a child forgetting something doesn't just impact the child. Not brushing teeth often leads to cavities, and parents pay for cavities financially and time-wise when they have to leave work for repeated dentist visits. Not packing items for a long family trip means parents pay for items when they realize their kids have forgotten x, y, or z. A child who stays up too late playing video games means a cranky, sleep-deprived child the next day, which isn't good health-wise for the child or psychologically for the parent who has to deal with the cranky child.
I am a huge believer in natural consequences, but a parent has to think about what are natural consequences that solely affect the child and those that affect the child a bit but a parent more.
If a kid forgets his jacket to school, he/she may be cold one morning at the bus stop. That only affects the child and usually for only one day. A parent should NOT check up on that.
If a child forgets to brush his/teeth repeatedly, that affects the child AND the parent. A parent, in my opinion, should check up on that.
If a child forgets his/her homework, that only affects the child. No checking up or running homework up to school when a child forgets.
If a child doesn't sleep enough, it impacts the child, the parent, and every other human who has to deal with the child (including the teachers who have to wake the child up at school). A parent, again, should check up on this.
N is pretty responsible, but she is also a teenager, and there are some things I simply would not expect her to be responsible for. When we flew to Colorado, I didn't give her and her brothers their boarding passes until 1 minute before they got on the plane because if they had lost theirs, it wouldn't just impact them. It would impact the entire family. If I had given their passes to them, and they lost them, it would have been their fault and MY FAULT for thinking a 14, 10, and 8-year-old could hang onto those items.
N IS responsible for hanging onto her wallet, which holds however much money she wants to take wherever she goes. It is money she has earned from her pet-sitting business and babysitting. It is not money I gave her, and if she loses it, it will not be replaced by me. The natural consequence of not paying attention to her stuff would fall solely on her.
It would be far easier if I didn't have to think so much about whether the consequence of an action only affects the child or impacts me too, but it is necessary.
In some cases, I am able to observe what parents do around their kids, and what I notice is a distinct lack of checking up on the part of the parents.
Now, I realize that everyone parents differently, and what works for one child may not work for another. But, I also know that kids are kids. They are not little tiny adults who should be able to do something after being told once or twice.
I am a firm believer that kids need to be told approximately 100,000,000,000,000 times between the ages of 0-18. By the time they have been reminded this many times, your reminding voice will be firmly established in their heads, and they will no longer require you to do it.
And I don't mean yelled at 100,000,000,000,000 times. I mean there needs to be reminders of what to do in calm voices. This isn't nagging as much as it setting routines and procedures. There is a difference.
Routines and reminders have to be practiced until a parent feels like he/she is going to die from having to remind and establish routines.
Perhaps I find this easier because my OCD brain is a record-player that circles around and around and around on repeat naturally?
Earlier I said parents need to check up on their kids, and what this means is after reminding them to brush their teeth, you smell their breath to ensure it was done. If you tell your child to set out clothes to pack, you ask them to show you what they have packed so that you can catch any forgotten items. If you tell them to go to bed, you check to ensure their butts are in bed and lights are out.
Does this cut into "me" time?
Yes.
But in these cases, like tooth brushing and packing, a child forgetting something doesn't just impact the child. Not brushing teeth often leads to cavities, and parents pay for cavities financially and time-wise when they have to leave work for repeated dentist visits. Not packing items for a long family trip means parents pay for items when they realize their kids have forgotten x, y, or z. A child who stays up too late playing video games means a cranky, sleep-deprived child the next day, which isn't good health-wise for the child or psychologically for the parent who has to deal with the cranky child.
I am a huge believer in natural consequences, but a parent has to think about what are natural consequences that solely affect the child and those that affect the child a bit but a parent more.
If a kid forgets his jacket to school, he/she may be cold one morning at the bus stop. That only affects the child and usually for only one day. A parent should NOT check up on that.
If a child forgets to brush his/teeth repeatedly, that affects the child AND the parent. A parent, in my opinion, should check up on that.
If a child forgets his/her homework, that only affects the child. No checking up or running homework up to school when a child forgets.
If a child doesn't sleep enough, it impacts the child, the parent, and every other human who has to deal with the child (including the teachers who have to wake the child up at school). A parent, again, should check up on this.
N is pretty responsible, but she is also a teenager, and there are some things I simply would not expect her to be responsible for. When we flew to Colorado, I didn't give her and her brothers their boarding passes until 1 minute before they got on the plane because if they had lost theirs, it wouldn't just impact them. It would impact the entire family. If I had given their passes to them, and they lost them, it would have been their fault and MY FAULT for thinking a 14, 10, and 8-year-old could hang onto those items.
N IS responsible for hanging onto her wallet, which holds however much money she wants to take wherever she goes. It is money she has earned from her pet-sitting business and babysitting. It is not money I gave her, and if she loses it, it will not be replaced by me. The natural consequence of not paying attention to her stuff would fall solely on her.
It would be far easier if I didn't have to think so much about whether the consequence of an action only affects the child or impacts me too, but it is necessary.
